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  #11  
Old 03-19-2013, 03:13 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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You are already pregnant (due in June), mothering a toddler, two stepchildren, and they are possibly trying to conceive right NOW?! Space is limited as is, and they are trying to add another little tiny being to the mix? Are they bloody serious? In what alternate universe does that make sense? Oh sweet baby Jesus. Yes, it is her body and her right, but at some point you have to slow down and take a hell of a lot of things into consideration. Children are expensive, and they have a lot of needs. They never ask to be born into chaos and dysfunction, which is what this is right now. You cannot turn them off when the NRE dies and fades. You are not just left out of the NRE. You are being left out of important familial decisions that will adversely affect you, your life, and the lives of your children. Oh my goodness. If you were to decide to leave, is there anywhere you can go? All of this stress is not good for you or the baby.
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  #12  
Old 03-19-2013, 03:43 PM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
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I can't imagine that uprooting my life and going on social assistance or moving into a women's shelter is better than staying in this difficult situation. I have considered it. I don't have enough work experience or a strong enough skillset to get a good job right now, nor can I even really fathom it with a new baby on the way. I want to make it work. I was.just sooooo not ready to cement this triad so quickly. We are still working out all sorta of kinks in the dynamic, which is normal, and I think its going pretty well, but this? It's too much. Our home isn't even really big enough for the baby to come once she moves to her own room, but manageable. Another baby? No way. Two infants in a three parent five child hpusehold? Crazy! Obviously, the fifth baby is still hypothetical but, my god, what were they thinking? We needed to talk first, not deal with a surprise pregnancy because they were caught up in the moment. I am meeting G for lunch this afternoon to talk. It won't change what happened but at least I can find out how he feels. I had a nice conversation with H, but I worry I will get too emotional w G and he will shut.down or feel attacked. Gonna try to keep a level head.
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  #13  
Old 03-19-2013, 04:03 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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The problem is, when you make stupid mistakes (like moving a partner in after two months) you will end up paying for it, in one way or another.
Triads are unpopular for a reason, it always goes tits up in one way or another, you are just experiencing one of the many ways. I am sorry about that
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  #14  
Old 03-19-2013, 04:38 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Triads are unpopular for a reason, it always goes tits up in one way or another, you are just experiencing one of the many ways. I am sorry about that

Triads don't "always go tits up" (is "tits-down" supposed to mean something was successful?), but you don't see people in "successful" triads posting about their problems on forums and asking for advice from strangers how to make it NOT work.

I see two problems with most of the "tits-up" triads:

First, everyone is "equal", but someone(s) is/are always more "equal" than the other(s).

And second - when it is a FMF triad, the problem usually centers around making babies (I say "usually" to mean "when the women are of childbearing age and don't have any yet").

So yeah, since most of the cases of triads we see on here usually involve those two ingredients to a significant extent, they usually "always go tits-up".
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  #15  
Old 03-19-2013, 04:50 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Triads don't "always go tits up" (is "tits-down" supposed to mean something was successful?)
No.

Quote:
but you don't see people in "successful" triads posting about their problems on forums and asking for advice from strangers how to make it NOT work.
Good point, I am definitely only referring to FMF triads, MMM,FFF,MMF triads tend to work better, why? I dunno....but if I was just talking about people on forums that would be true, but IME even people who choose not to talk about their problems on forums, it still go tits up, sometimes quickly, sometimes it takes a while.
Thing is, I don't know any live in, equilateral triad to last much longer than the NRE does in real life or online.
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  #16  
Old 03-19-2013, 07:34 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hey purpleboots,

Sorry to hear about this latest SNAFU, it sounds like G and H are making a rash decision. If you're already expecting, then you could end up with two infants in the house. That's two very-high-maintainance human beings.

If it's not too late, if H is not pregnant yet, then now would be the time for them to switch back to safe sex and do so quickly. I don't know if talking with them about that will help, but I hope it will.

I don't keep track of relationship stats and configurations, and my experience (outside my own MFM V) is limited to forum experience, so I'm not qualified to say what the failure rate is for FMF triads. Off-hand, I can think of two that seem to be going pretty well, one that changed into a "V," and three that went "tits up." That is, the one female partner broke up with the original couple, but the original couple stayed together. I actually think FMF triads are pretty popular in terms of how many people try to attain them, it's why we have terms like "unicorn."

I think the best thing is to concentrate on your own situation, rather than judging how it's gonna go based on how it's went with other people. Certainly you have a crisis on your hands. We don't know how that's going to turn out. More communication is needed. Agreements need to be stuck to (doesn't mean they can't be re-negotiated from time to time).

I hope your situation improves.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #17  
Old 03-19-2013, 09:08 PM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
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Thanks Kevin. I am focusing on my situation and not whether fmf triads 'tend to fail' or not. Went and talked with G this afternoon. Nothing is resolved. I don't feel better. He agrees that its crazy and rash but was pretty unapologetic. I don't know what I expected. He says he still loves me and wants to just take things one day at a time. I don't know.I feel like crap. I always end up leaving these conversations feeling like an irrational malcontent who just makes problems for herself. I don't want to leave, but maybe I have to. I don't know what's best. I am unhappy and anxious more than I want to be, but will that be any different when I am living alone on welfare with a toddler and an infant? No. I don't think that 'i.just couldbt help myself' is a reasonable excuse. He didn't promise not to do it again and I know I can't trust him to. I don't know, maybe I am a malcontent. Or maybe my baby brain is just trying to nest and finding it very difficult. He says I'm always like this, that its always something. Maybe that's true. Or maybe its just that his threshold for accepting stress and difficult interpersonal relations is just higher than mine and I keep ending up in situations that make me uncomfortable. I can't take feeling like this anymore though. I've been cryjng all day and I'm so tired.
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  #18  
Old 03-19-2013, 09:24 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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I don't think you're being unreasonable. He shouldn't be going about "making a baby" when a baby is already on the way. And "I couldn't help it" is a terrible excuse. How much responsibility is he going to take for this additional baby if it indeed arrives? Are you expected to take care of both babies? It just doesn't make sense, and H shouldn't have gone along with it either.

Sorry you're in a tight spot, where there's no good solutions. I would think just about anyone would be "malcontent" if they were in your shoes. You'll just have to try to weigh what is the least stressful available road for you to take.

One thing to consider is that even after G and H have one baby, they may immediately go and make another baby. How many babies will there be before they can "help it?" Perhaps G should get himself snipped if he's determined to go down this road.

Sorry, hon. I don't envy your position.
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  #19  
Old 03-19-2013, 09:44 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You have a short term problem -- this "oopsie" thing. It was just today/last night? If the goal is to be not pregnant -- are we not talking about her taking ECP to prevent implant? You are still in the window. You don't have the time to "take it one day at a time" with preventing pregnancy.

G is being careless in not wearing a condom and so is she -- allowing sex without protection with all these kids and crowded living conditions.

Deal with that first.

Then you have what appears to be the longer term problem.

Quote:
He says I'm always like this, that its always something.
There seems to be a lack of boundary keeping here and accountability.

Rather than making it be about your feelings -- how about making it be about behavior done/not done here?

Shared agreements kept/not kept by him?
Shared agreements kept/not kept by you?
Shared agreements kept/not kept by her?

And the consequences? Are you each willing to be held accountable to each other or not in this triad?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-19-2013 at 09:56 PM.
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  #20  
Old 03-19-2013, 09:45 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Yeah, i don't say this too often, but i think people should not be allowed to reproduce however they want. I realize that i am not the one qualified to determine who should and should not reproduce, but so many people do it for the wrong reasons, and they're not even equipped to take care of themselves, let alone one or more totally helpless and dependent creatures who did not ask to be brought into existence.
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