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Old 03-18-2013, 05:20 AM
dearosarum dearosarum is offline
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Default So much confusion

My current boyfriend (my primary, as well as my Dom; we're both into BDSM) and I started off as friends, moved to FWBs, and then finally, after a year of being FWBs, became boyfriend and girlfriend.

We were monogamous for three months, until I was diagnosed with diabetes, and could no longer play heavily, and so I let him play with our mutual friend, on the condition that it stayed non-sexual. After about three months, he decided that he wanted to have her as a slave, and since I knew I could never submit completely, I agreed to it.

I gradually grew more comfortable with the idea of him being sexual with her, and somehow, all three of us grew into a vee (with me being his primary, and her being his secondary), having regular threesomes and everything. It went well for several months, until she got really sick and all physical intimacy stopped. She is also bipolar and extremely unstable now that she is off her medication.

We were, at one point, talking about moving in together, but once I saw how erratically she could behave, I backed out. She is now living with him (very complicated scenario, but in a nutshell, she was evicted from her apartment and had nowhere else to go), and I'm still living at my place.

Even though he says nothing has changed for him, other than his roommate situation, I feel like she and I have now switched roles. I used to feel compersion for them, knowing that they were being intimate, but now I don't even want to see her. I have only been to his place twice since she moved in, and I used to visit several times a week. He still visits me as often as possible. I find I don't even like her as a friend anymore. Just seeing her makes me angry and upset.

I feel so stupid about the whole poly thing, because it was my idea to begin with. I think it may have been a phase for me, and I'm starting to come out of it now.

I still love him, but even that has changed: I don't feel nearly as much romantic love as I used to. It seems to have transitioned into platonic/familial love, at least on my side.

I don't know how to deal with this scenario: it seems like she's here to stay, at least for now, so I have to put up with her, because we do share the same circle of friends, but it's getting harder for me.

I've met someone at work I'm interested in, but, even though my primary would be fine with me dating this new guy, I highly doubt the new guy would understand. I think it would scare him off he knew my situation.

I don't feel like this is working for me anymore, yet I'm scared of being alone. I've never had much luck in relationships, and usually end up on my own for at least a year between boyfriends, and I'm afraid that'll happen again if I leave.

I don't even know what advice anybody could offer me. I just need to get it all off my chest in an environment where I'll be understood. I really don't want to hurt them, but I don't see how this could end without somebody getting hurt.
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Old 03-18-2013, 12:46 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,338

I am glad you could get it aired out. I am sorry you feel upset. It is not fun to feel.

Since the change point in your feelings seems to be her moving in with him... let me throw out some possibles.

Could it be you are experiencing DISPLACEMENT? Could you have wanted more check in - collaborate from him before he invited her to live with him? Especially since you were all planning to move in together and you wanted to slow it down because learning to deal with bipolar was leaving you feeling unsettled?

Could it be you are experiencing ENVY? That now she has what you wanted? Living with him?

What do you need from
  • you
  • him
  • her

to feel at peace? Could anything here help you articulate how you are feeling?



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Old 03-18-2013, 02:04 PM
dearosarum dearosarum is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 2

GalaGirl: Thanks for your message.

I read both articles, and have found many things with which I can identify. I am certainly feeling displacement, as well as intrusion and some jealousy.

I find it especially hard if she is sick or having a bipolar episode where she needs comforting. He is a natural counselor, and I am not. He's the one you go to if you need advice or comfort, and he seems to enjoy being that person, but that also puts huge demands on his time. Everybody relies on him, and can't do without him after a while. He's also best friends with his most recent ex-gf, which bothers me to some extent, but that's a whole other ball of wax.

I definitely think things were very rushed with the secondary moving in, and there is still some unresolved jealousy there because, while I waited patiently for over a year for him and me to become an official couple (with us having known each other for over three years before that), she was officially his girlfriend after only about six months of us meeting her.

In terms of what I need from them, I'm not really sure. He gives me all the reassurance in the world and tries his best to put me first and show me that I'm still his priority, but with her living there, it just doesn't feel like that to me anymore. I don't even want to visit him at his place because she's always there (they're both on disability and uninterested in finding even part-time work), and I don't feel like seeing her until I have to at events.

I've started wishing that I could go back in time and undo my suggestion of us becoming poly, but I had no idea at that time how it would turn out. Back then, she was medicated and a lot more stable than she is these days, but she had to stop her medication to save her kidneys. Since then, she's been bouncing around between different meds, and nothing is working particularly well. She's all over the emotional map, and it's very hard to deal with.

All in all, I feel like I'm almost done with the whole relationship, the one with him included. I eventually want to get married; he has this idea that he won't even propose to someone until he's lived with them for at least five years. Given that we're never going to live together as long as she's in the picture, I don't see him ever proposing to me.

I keep thinking that maybe I just need a break from the relationship, but then I realize how depressed I get when I don't talk to him. Unfortunately, what I seem to need is something that can't happen: I need her out of the picture. I'm afraid she'd just die without him.
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Old 03-19-2013, 02:41 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,338

I keep thinking that maybe I just need a break from the relationship.
Well, could maybe take a break then. Not break up but maybe plan a weekend get away with another friend or just you. Maybe a week.

Just to visit what it feels like to not be around this energy. Away somewhere restful and quiet.

To try it on. See what that feels like. Like try before you buy? Try it on for size before making life changing choices like an actual break up.

Does that make sense? Could that help give you a fresher outlook?

Or maybe you need time alone with just him away from her?

Or BOTH -- time alone with just you and time alone with him.

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