DrunkenPorcupine: Reflections and Stuph
Okay, I'm not sure where I am going to take this, so please consider every post of mine on this forum to be a "work in progress" until I respond later and ammend it.
I do hope to ammend it, rather than correct it. My journey, my relationships and the people I'm in love with aren't correctable, just evolving. So I hope my reflections in this thread will help me and them and all of you voyeuristic readers grow and evolve.
Tonight, I want to talk about "crushes" and being male and falling in love and communication. Whoa... Way too diverse. So let me give an example.
Several months back, my wife of 6 years and I had an "odd spell". Someone in my political community had flown out from California to New Hampshire to consider her move her permanently (please see http://www.freestateproject.org/ if you're not familiar with why this would happen or would matter to me; it's discussed on a few threads here).
She stayed in a house rented by several (4-10) friends of mine.
I'm completely enthralled by movers here to New Hampshire, and I seem to have hit it off with her pretty well. As drinking and smoking and enjoying each other's company sometimes entails, I spent a lot of time with this lady over these next few days. One of the nights, I spent the evening at her serogate place, sleeping next to her on the couch.
Perhaps a day later, this lady and I and my wife and about 10 other political allies went to a cuddle party. I drank a bit and apparently doted on this lady more than I realized I did. I won't toss her business out there, or the business of anybody else, but one of my (now) friends asked me "It's really tough, isn't it?" and I answered pretty affermatively "I just want her to be happy" which my friend replied "Sounds like a load of bullshit to me!"
This friend saw my affection towards my visiting lady friend and called me on it.
A few days later, the visit ended and I drove my friend to the airport. We got there late and I was very sad as she went through the TSA checkpoint late. I never got to hug her goodbye, with all of the fussing. I spent an hour at the airport, checking the Departures screen every few minutes until her flight left. Once the flight vanished from the screen, I went over to the airport clerk and asked if my friend had gotten on her flight on time, and he assured me she had.
I didn't realize then that I'd doted on this... Why should I be so afraid? I wasn't hoping she was delayed and had a chance to stay longer... was I?
I drove home that night and had a chat with my wife. It was the non-monogamy chat. Not unpleasant, but a little weird. I'll say this... I've spent the past 6 years with my wife, and we've been through some ROUGH stuff together. We even met and intellectually debated monogamy and non-monogamy before. Our marriage (not our commitment to each other, but our MARRIAGE) was a legal formality. I was WELL prepared to eventually have the "practical non-monogamy" talk, but it was still weird as hell.
I spent a ton of time with this lady that I was realizing I was crushing on. Did my wife resent me? Did she think I fucked this lady? Was she waiting for me to mess up to tell me she'd been doing guys left and right? The logical mind prepares for all of these, and defends against it. The emotional mind curls up into a little tight ball and murmurs it's own name.
Fellow men, women, mono and poly friends... I promise you, as scary as this is, if you have these feelings you're in GOOD shape unless you subsequently are handed divorce papers and see the barrel of a .45 leveled at you. I PROMISE you this.
I won't detail the specifics between then and now, since EVERY post I've made between my introduction and this one has touched on it.
My wife had spent a night away from me... the first night EVER since we've become non-mono (I consider myself poly... she might be poly at some point, but so far it's "just sex" for her. Our relationships is open, but we're not both poly as I define them.) and it scared me. I know of two of her partners and nothing this night seemed to make sense. Her "sex kit" was still here, I hadn't recieved a note telling me where she was and she was driving an unfamiliar vehicle. All kinds of thoughts went through my head between "she died" and "she's at her partner's place having fun". (I should note.. I lost my phone... this is a lack of communication but not a lack of trust and responsibility between us...)
This morning, she was safe and such, and told me where she was and told me about how she tried to tell me where she was. She'd spent the night cuddling with one of her partners (that I knew about) and left a voicemail message on my cell phone... Anyway...
I was filled with weird emotions, so I chatted with my friend (the lady from California) about it all. This isn't the first time I'd chatted with her, but my state of mind this evening made it weird. I told her how much she means to me and that I'm attracted to her. I've said this before, but there's a level of honesty now about where our relationship is and where it might go now. My lady friend isn't interested in me sexually, at least, she conveys that she is not. Yet I'm still totally in love with her and that's all okay. I can love her without having sex with her.
And I can chat with my wife about what I feel about her. And I'm amazed.
I asked my wife what she feels about this lady and she responded with answers that blew my mind. So many facets that she analyzed and measured that I'd not really reflected on. I don't think I've EVER felt this close to my wife, and at the same time, I don't think I've ever felt this close to someone I've had a "crush" on before.
Because I've "explored poly" I've had the chance to know my wife better. She's exploring herself sexually in ways that I've not been able to go with her on. And I'm finding myself in a relationship that constantly challenges my notions, myself, my fears and strengths and I feel no fear. I can share whatever I want with both of them, and I'm moved every few seconds by how amazing this is.
This is polyamory. I love multiple people, and am loved in turn by multiple people. Nobody is loved "more" and nobody "less" but each loved differently. Polyamory isn't fucking, it isn't sex. It isn't living quarters and finances.
Polyamory is love. Polyamory is no longer feeling fear in my relationships. Sure, we might disagree now and then and we will, as amazing unique people, but I think my biggest hurdle is past with them now. I love them, and they know it. They're not afraid of me on a pure, deep level. By extensions, they're not afraid of who I love, not afraid of each other. My world is finally coming full circle.