the story of a secondary

[AnnabelMore]

In other news, I just had a very weird and upsetting phone conversation and I wanted to get it off my chest.

Two days ago I sent Harry a long email explaining that I'd broken up with Davis and that I wasn't sure whether or not I was open to the idea of resumption of physical intimacy between he and I, but that I might be, that I was open to the idea. Background on my connection with Harry: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...&postcount=667

As some further context, Harry's wife Violet and I have been chatting casually, as friends, and had talked just yesterday (the day after I sent the email) about nothing much of consequence. During that conversation, she mentioned that she and Harry weren't poly, but were potentially interested in playing with another woman together. The "not poly" thing surprised me. Between that and the implication that they would only play together it occurred to me that my email had been way off base. Oh well, I thought, no harm done.

WRONG.

Today, Harry messaged me and told me that Violet had been very upset by my email and saw it as me going behind her back since I didn't check in with her before sending it. He said that he thought she was overblowing the matter, and that she wouldn't have interpreted it that way if she knew me, but that he thought it might be a good idea for me to call her if I wanted to mend that bridge. I said that certainly I would.

I called her just now and learned something very upsetting. She never knew that Harry and I had been intimate. At first she hadn't wanted to know about any involvements he'd had before they got married. Fair enough. But then, a few months ago, she had asked him point blank about me and apparently he lied. He lied and said we'd never had a thing going on between us besides friendship.

My whole plan of what to say to her had been based around the idea that of course I knew Harry would never lie to her and so how could I have possibly thought I was going behind her back? Once she laid it all out, I was at a complete loss. I would have sworn to you that Harry was a man of great integrity and just would not lie to the face of someone he loved. What on earth was I basing that on? Maybe I can be too trusting. Something to keep in mind with Clay, I guess.

She told me that he said he'd lied just to spare her feelings. Ok, dumb, really dumb and also wrong, but maybe understandable. But what really takes the cake is that apparently after he got my email he asked her what she thought about the idea of a threesome with me. That was when my email to him came out and he was forced to admit that he'd lied. Apparently he eventually apologized, but only after a long back and forth. Apparently she went a little crazy and was beyond furious with me, saw me as some shady liar smiling in her face while scheming to get with her husband behind her back.

As we talked on the phone today she just got everything off her chest. She was clearly still upset but she let me explain and listened and actually apologized to me, so I respect her for that. She also made it abundantly clear that independent dating or sex was never going to be on the table for her and Harry (he told me once, shortly after we first met, that he'd never be so dumb as to make himself miserable by getting into a monogamous relationship again... I chose not to mention that fact, even though it would have bolstered my "case" as to why my email had seemed reasonable to me), that threesomes to enhance their sex life were the only thing currently acceptable for them and that one day a triad with another woman might be viable.

SOOOO, that unicorn hunter vibe I was afraid of getting from them? Yeeeeah, called it.

By the end of the conversation it was clear that she still thought that, at best, I'd made a selfish, thoughtless mistake by not talking to her before approaching Harry. I didn't try to argue, just apologized again, wished them the best, and let the conversation end.

What.
The.
Fuck.

I immediately messaged Clay.
Me: "Hey, er, weird question, but would any of your partners be expecting me to check in with them before our date by any chance? Like, I'm absolutely positive you would have mentioned it if that were the case but I just had a weird experience that made me think of it."
Him: "No, I consider it my responsibility to tell my partners what's going on with me. If you and I hit it off, you can certainly meet them later."
Me: "How immensely sane and reasonable, thank you."

ETA: Violet just called me back to apologize again and to make it clear that she considered this to be all Harry's fault, but that it was something that she was willing to forgive him for (among the mitigating factors is the fact that his last wife was emotionally abusive and made him afraid to talk about hard things), and that she hoped we could still be friends. We were all actually supposed to hang out on Friday to meet some of Harry's old friends. I said that it was very nice of her to call, but that I assumed they would need at least a little time and space and therefore I wouldn't plan to come on Friday. She said that canceling might not be necessary and that we could check in with each other tomorrow. I might well skip it even if she's cooled down sufficiently... I'm pretty pissed at Harry right now. He's way too smart of a guy to have made such a dumb call.

[AnnabelMore]

The moral for me: Don't make assumptions about other people's relationships, just ask. Especially not after a year and a freaking half. If I'd just sent an email saying "Hey Harry, Davis and I broke up. I'm not sure what I want at this point, and of course things may well have changed for you. What agreements do you and Violet have?" everything would have been fine. Of course, his lie probably still would have come to light and things probably still would have exploded, so it actually wouldn't have been fine but at least I would've felt less foolish on my end.

[AnnabelMore]

Realizing another big reason why I'm pissed at Harry is that I feel set up. He could have told me that a major part of the reason Violet was upset was because he lied. Instead, I prepared all these things to say which became completely irrelevant once we started talking. I had NO idea what I was getting into because he only gave me part of the picture.

What the hell, dude, you can be such a cool, smart, and sweet guy, I know you can. I'm so disappointed to see this side of you.

Makes me wonder what really happened between him and his ex-wife. Maybe it wasn't all about her being a hateful psycho unjustly persecuting him for just wanting to move on after all.......

[Cleo]

You know, I've been mulling over the question 'why poly?' lately. When I was visiting my new FWB earlier this week we talked about that question and as we were sitting on the couch, about an arms length away from each other, both wondering when would be the moment when one of us would lean in to kiss... I said 'you know what? this is it, this is Why Poly'.

Thought about that when I read your story about Clay. It is such an amazing feeling, the buzz, the expectation, the feeling that anything is possible. Experiencing that every now and then.. so lovely. Rooting for you that the date is as wonderful as the anticipation!

[Mya]

Oh man, that Harry thing really sucks!

[JaneQSmythe]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

... She never knew that Harry and I had been intimate. At first she hadn't wanted to know about any involvements he'd had before they got married. Fair enough. But then, a few months ago, she had asked him point blank about me and apparently he lied. He lied and said we'd never had a thing going on between us besides friendship.

... the idea that of course I knew Harry would never lie to her and so how could I have possibly thought I was going behind her back? Once she laid it all out, I was at a complete loss. I would have sworn to you that Harry was a man of great integrity and just would not lie to the face of someone he loved. What on earth was I basing that on?

Holy Crap...I just had to say that this completely rang a bell for me. (Sorry if this gets long.)

Both MrS and Dude know my entire sexual history (and I their's) - basically anything we haven't explicitly told each other is an oversight that simply never came up in conversation.

We were going to the house of MsJ and her husband ("Rube" in my Journey thread). MsJ has been my occasional FWB for several years and her husband was MrS's best friend in HS...and also a friend of mine from that time (I actually met MrS because of this mutual network of friends). MrS and Dude both know that I had sex with MsJ's husband years and years ago (20ish years) - as a FWB type thing, no romantic entanglement.

Before going to their house for the evening Dude asked me specifically if MsJ knew that I had slept with her husband way back then. I was ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that she did. I actually remember a conversation between me, her, and another friend-wife ("MrClean" in my "Journey" thread) shortly after they (MsJ and Rube) had moved in together (must be 10-15 years ago now) - where I was talking about how everyone at my wedding had slept with the bride, the groom, or each other. I don't recall the exact conversation - but my recollection is that I understood that MsJ "knew" that I had slept with "Rube" - but that I told her that she would have to get the details from him. (And that "MrClean's" wife "knew" that I hadn't slept with her not-then husband because he came along as a friend after the whole "everyone sleeping with everyone" phase). I even feel that we had talked about it on occasions after that...

WELL, after I left the boys there it apparently came up as a topic of conversation. And MsJ FLIPPED HER LID and claimed she never, ever knew! I actually suspect that she mixed up the stories of me - who he slept with but didn't have a romantic "thing" with and another girl ("PonyGirl" in my "Journey" thread) that he had a "thing" for and never slept with. I think this may also have been influenced that she had recently found out that he HAD cheated on her AFTER they were together/married (something that I NEVER would have thought him capable of!). But JEESH! - I think that she is well aware of this "ancient history" and then a whole "kerfluffle" occurs...WTF!?!

JaneQ

PS. I don't know that this is relevant - other than commiserating in the outcomes that happen when you think/assume/know that someone "knows" something...and they don't (or don't remember that they do).

[AnnabelMore]

There's so much I wanna say and respond to. Instead, for now, I'll just say this one thing. I was chatting online with Gia just now, and she said that she could hear Bee calling out for me in his sleep from the bedroom.

all the feeeeeeeeeeelllliiiiiiinngsss

I get to babysit him for a large chunk of the day tomorrow.

[fuchka]

Bleargh re: Harry. Yay re: Bee!

I thought it was great that you identified exactly what bothered you about the Harry incident, esp that he didn't give you a heads-up on why Violet was upset about your e-mal. I've had something similar happen to me before, and it's gross - being caught by surprise in someone else's shitstorm. Glad you're taking care of yourself, and keeping it steady for your date on Monday

[AnnabelMore]

So, uh. So. So, I... fell in love with him? With Clay.

This was unexpected.

As the last week went on, and he and I kept talking and building a rapport and an intimacy, I was feeling more and more strongly that this was going to be serious. The larger part of me has consistently felt oddly calm about this, but another part of me has definitely been scared. He suggested that we could meet up a few days before we'd planned to, at a party he was running, and I said I wasn't ready, that I needed to meet him at a familiar, comfortable, public place and stay there for at *least* the first hour or so. After that? Well, we were taking it more and more as a given that we'd be going back to his place.

I've decided to post on my tumblr blog about the journey from the night before we met to the day after, so if you want to know some of the details of how it all went down, you can read about it there.

I told him how I was feeling while we were making love (most people would have called what we were doing "particularly rough sex" rather than "making love", but it felt like both of those things). I told someone that I'd known for a week, and had just met for the first time mere hours before, that I loved him. His response, which was one part wonderment, one part anxiety, and one part simple surprise, was: "You do?" "I don't know, man, maybe?!?" I replied. Y'know, keeping my cool and all... He told me that he wasn't sure, but that he thought he might feel the same way.

We spent the night together, did all sorts of wonderful, wonderful, wonderful D/s things (he hurt me, I worshiped his feet, you get the idea), as well as mundane things (got takeout, watched a movie). We talked about how crazy, implausible, and amazing it all was. I can't stress enough how sincere, genuine, and honest he was throughout everything. He admitted to me that he was a little scared. I told him that I felt like I should be, that I probably would be again later. I'm not any more, though, for the record. Scared, that is.

We talked about our other partners, about wanting to check in with them as soon as possible, being nervous about their reactions but also trusting them. We talked about our relationship philosophies, which can be boiled down to "stay with someone as long as you're both good for each other, let your relationships affect each other only in good ways if at all possible". So often, our conversations came down to one of us saying something and the other saying "I feel exactly the same way."

I'm in love, you guys. He's amazing. We're going to explore so many things together, so many things we've both wanted for so long and have both relatively recently felt fully and completely ready to give.

I've asked myself if this is just some sort of weird overreaction to wanting D/s so much and finding someone else who wants it too and can actually give it to me. But then I remember Harry. He hurt me in the ways I wanted to be hurt, he gave me orders, he even suggested collaring me (I said no) and I just simply never felt more for him than I would for a dear friend. So, no, it's not that, not just that anyway.

He told his other main partner last night about everything he and I wanted to do and what we were becoming together, and she was very happy for him.

I saw Gia briefly last night (she and Eric had a date and I was there to babysit), and had time tell her "It went ridiculously well. This is going to be serious." She was ecstatic for me, her face lit up like the sun, she fell on me and hugged me. I laughed and said I hadn't expected her to be quite SO happy. She explained that, while she had eventually gotten over feeling guilty about not having enough time and energy to do all the things I've wanted to do with her, she had always hoped I could have that with someone.

I'm seeing Davis tonight for dinner. I'm going to tell him that I've met someone new, that I'm likely going to be getting into another serious secondary relationship not unlike the one I have with Gia. If he wants to know more, I'll tell him more, if he doesn't, I won't. I truly don't know how he'll take it, I can see his reactions ranging from unconcerned to really not ok. We'll see.

[Anneintherain]

*hug*