Poly Isn't For Me/Tired of Sharing My Wife

[JaneQSmythe]

I find the discussion of the word "metamour" interesting. I, personally, like it but think it's really only useful short-hand for discussions with other poly-aware people - for the general population I would use the long hand, "my husband's girlfriend" for instance.

We don't tend to use the term to describe the relationship between MrS and Dude because their OTHER relationships to each other - best friends, roommates - are actually more important and intimate than is implied, to me, by the concept. I would be more likely to apply it to someone to which I had NO other relationship - say someone that Dude was seriously dating whom I had yet to meet. She would be peripheral to my life but have an effect, through him, on it.

(An aside, I find it interesting to note that different languages have both more and less specific terms to define certain relationships depending on the culture. For instance "sister-in-law" could mean my husband's sister or my brother's wife. Some languages have different words for "paternal" vs. "maternal" aunt and whether they are the blood relative or not - whereas in English my mother's sister and my father's brother's wife are both my "aunt")

JaneQ

[JaneQSmythe]

I am having a hard time following the discussion/argument about children. It is my impression, from reading here, that there has been a fair amount of discussion on the effect of poly relationships on children.

I recall a discussion where the "secondary" partner was talking about the time constraints to pursue the relationship due to concerns about introducing people into her children's lives before they were "long term" relationships and that this seemed to be a common theme - that "dating partners" were not introduced to the kids until things were firmly established, because it wasn't fair to them to allow people to become important to them and then have them vanish from their lives. (I think that LovingRadiance has talked about this on a number of occasions?)

(I wouldn't have followed these threads very closely as it doesn't pertain to our kid-less situation - although I can liken it to the fact that our friend's kids tend to get attached to MrS if he has been visiting/babysitting frequently and ask after him if they haven't seen them in a while and that my nephews are fascinated by Dude and inquire if he is going to be there at family functions. But I would liken this to extended family that you only see on limited occasions, even if you really like them you aren't crushed that you only get together a few times a year.)

JaneQ

[Matt]

I don't know what to call her other than my wife's girlfriend or something else that isn't so nice. I'll stick with the first one. I think I just dislike the term "metamour" simply because it implies some type of connection to her, which I'm strongly against and refuse to have at all. I don't know what to do about that.

[BoringGuy]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

I hated organic chemistry. I have a minor in chem, and I got it with a great deal of phys chem, which was basically dumbed down quantum mechanics, and as little organic as I could get away with...

But, good point.

I took the second semester of lecture twice. Did really well in the lab though.

This is just a little fun with IUPAC nomenclature. No mechanisms, no curved arrows, no SN2 rearrangements, etc.

[BoringGuy]

Originally Posted by Matt

I don't know what to call her other than my wife's girlfriend or something else that isn't so nice. I'll stick with the first one. I think I just dislike the term "metamour" simply because it implies some type of connection to her, which I'm strongly against and refuse to have at all. I don't know what to do about that.

It's the "-mour" part that doesn't apply to you; the "-meta" part still does, for now at least.

[dingedheart]

Originally Posted by BoringGuy

It doesn't even say they HAVE children in that one. That is a very short thread, 9 posts, and the person who started it only posted three times in it, I re-read it and could not find one instance of children being mentioned. .

Is this really the best you could come up with in 3 1/2 hours of searching?

BoringGal....Are you kidding. The name !!! #1 I had to use her for her username ...2nd with her long history everyone knows she's got 2 or 3 kids and lastly if its a hot button issue why didn't anyone ask? oh yeah it's not only in the reverse.

ditto. This thread is about a couple that has been married for 25 years and they do not mention any kids in the picture. They might not have any, or maybe they have them and they're adults now.

Reread.... first full paragraph.

These are the typical response to a newbie after an awakening. I thought this one made things somewhat gender neutral. The problem was to finding one written from the "awakened " POV harder than you think Many many come from the reluctant spouse ...not many from the "awakened ". Fitting yrs, awakening, reluctant spouse, kids, gender balance...AND THE TITLES ARE no help. Hence the 3.5 hrs.

You've been around here a long long time way longer than me. Are you honestly saying you've seen a member(s) caution a newbie in regards to the impact his /her decision will have on their kids ? Would you say that's typical ???

I'm not bothering to go through the rest of your message point-by-point because it's probably just more of the same WTF (and I don't have 3 1/2 hours to waste).

I sort miss this back and forth we use to have I dont know how you picked boring.... you were never boring....actually the opposite. The thread of opposites

[BoringGuy]

You've been thinking while i've been drinking.

We both know that it's just not right.

[dingedheart]

I forgot about your town and it legendary St Pat's partying. good luck with the hang over

This year the dye they used on the river here actually seemed to make a difference...years past I could nt tell the difference.

And no I just got up to early to start drinking ...even for me

[BoringGuy]

I "party" the other 364 days and on the seventh day, i rest.

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by FullofLove1052

And you want to know what Matt really thinks of Si now? Expendable and unneeded like tonsils or the gallbladder. They serve their purpose, and then you get rid of them if needed or if the time comes. After that, you can still live without them.

This ^^^ is what I'm up against. There's no mistaking that or no amount of counseling that can even begin to fix that. Add that to two people who aren't even willing to seek counseling together, a girlfriend who isn't allowed in your home, years worth of history, a dead friendship, strained relationships, two perceptions of what family is, and it's easy to see how I'm close to blowing a fuse.

May I beg to differ?

Our start was different.
But-15 yrs together, 14 married.
Kids.
Boyfriend.

There were several years dh would not have cared if bf died.
But-he is a third parent to our kids (21, 13, 5).

We all live together. But there was a time in the middle when we could not because Maca felt much how matt describes his current feelings.

However-being given the space to have no contact with GG, being able to identify set date times alone with me, family times without GG, assurance that he is free to request GG leave him fully alone at any time without explanation;
He has been able to stop being emotionally flooded. Now they have a companionable friendship.

Matt needs to have Si leave him alone.
His posts make it clear he is emotionally flooded.
It may take a month or ten years to stop being flooded.
But-when he isn't flooded he will be more able to identify what is or is not reasonable going forward.
Today is not tomorrow.

Much like asking a woman during delivery if she wants to have another baby. She's flooded. The answer is almost always a violent outburst of "hell no!".
But a few weeks later-that can change.