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Old 03-14-2013, 07:33 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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In other news, I just had a very weird and upsetting phone conversation and I wanted to get it off my chest.

Two days ago I sent Harry a long email explaining that I'd broken up with Davis and that I wasn't sure whether or not I was open to the idea of resumption of physical intimacy between he and I, but that I might be, that I was open to the idea. Background on my connection with Harry: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...&postcount=667

As some further context, Harry's wife Violet and I have been chatting casually, as friends, and had talked just yesterday (the day after I sent the email) about nothing much of consequence. During that conversation, she mentioned that she and Harry weren't poly, but were potentially interested in playing with another woman together. The "not poly" thing surprised me. Between that and the implication that they would only play together it occurred to me that my email had been way off base. Oh well, I thought, no harm done.

WRONG.

Today, Harry messaged me and told me that Violet had been very upset by my email and saw it as me going behind her back since I didn't check in with her before sending it. He said that he thought she was overblowing the matter, and that she wouldn't have interpreted it that way if she knew me, but that he thought it might be a good idea for me to call her if I wanted to mend that bridge. I said that certainly I would.

I called her just now and learned something very upsetting. She never knew that Harry and I had been intimate. At first she hadn't wanted to know about any involvements he'd had before they got married. Fair enough. But then, a few months ago, she had asked him point blank about me and apparently he lied. He lied and said we'd never had a thing going on between us besides friendship.

My whole plan of what to say to her had been based around the idea that of course I knew Harry would never lie to her and so how could I have possibly thought I was going behind her back? Once she laid it all out, I was at a complete loss. I would have sworn to you that Harry was a man of great integrity and just would not lie to the face of someone he loved. What on earth was I basing that on? Maybe I can be too trusting. Something to keep in mind with Clay, I guess.

She told me that he said he'd lied just to spare her feelings. Ok, dumb, really dumb and also wrong, but maybe understandable. But what really takes the cake is that apparently after he got my email he asked her what she thought about the idea of a threesome with me. That was when my email to him came out and he was forced to admit that he'd lied. Apparently he eventually apologized, but only after a long back and forth. Apparently she went a little crazy and was beyond furious with me, saw me as some shady liar smiling in her face while scheming to get with her husband behind her back.

As we talked on the phone today she just got everything off her chest. She was clearly still upset but she let me explain and listened and actually apologized to me, so I respect her for that. She also made it abundantly clear that independent dating or sex was never going to be on the table for her and Harry (he told me once, shortly after we first met, that he'd never be so dumb as to make himself miserable by getting into a monogamous relationship again... I chose not to mention that fact, even though it would have bolstered my "case" as to why my email had seemed reasonable to me), that threesomes to enhance their sex life were the only thing currently acceptable for them and that one day a triad with another woman might be viable.

SOOOO, that unicorn hunter vibe I was afraid of getting from them? Yeeeeah, called it.

By the end of the conversation it was clear that she still thought that, at best, I'd made a selfish, thoughtless mistake by not talking to her before approaching Harry. I didn't try to argue, just apologized again, wished them the best, and let the conversation end.

What.
The.
Fuck.

I immediately messaged Clay.
Me: "Hey, er, weird question, but would any of your partners be expecting me to check in with them before our date by any chance? Like, I'm absolutely positive you would have mentioned it if that were the case but I just had a weird experience that made me think of it."
Him: "No, I consider it my responsibility to tell my partners what's going on with me. If you and I hit it off, you can certainly meet them later."
Me: "How immensely sane and reasonable, thank you."

ETA: Violet just called me back to apologize again and to make it clear that she considered this to be all Harry's fault, but that it was something that she was willing to forgive him for (among the mitigating factors is the fact that his last wife was emotionally abusive and made him afraid to talk about hard things), and that she hoped we could still be friends. We were all actually supposed to hang out on Friday to meet some of Harry's old friends. I said that it was very nice of her to call, but that I assumed they would need at least a little time and space and therefore I wouldn't plan to come on Friday. She said that canceling might not be necessary and that we could check in with each other tomorrow. I might well skip it even if she's cooled down sufficiently... I'm pretty pissed at Harry right now. He's way too smart of a guy to have made such a dumb call.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 03-14-2013 at 07:37 PM.
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bisexual, boundaries, mono/poly, pregnancy, secondary, unrequited, vee

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