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  #21  
Old 03-14-2013, 03:53 PM
LateToTheParty LateToTheParty is offline
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Finally heard back from M, and yep...she's out. What was a nice moment for me was actually uncomfortable for her. While she doesn't judge what my wife and I are doing, she says she has a much more conventional view on marriage, and doesn't care to spend time connecting with someone who is going to stay married. But she still wants to hang out in the same manner that we always have, so great. I was afraid our last outing had screwed that up, and I'm very happy to know that it didn't. We might go out next week...not sure.

But romantically...back to square one. Oh well.
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  #22  
Old 03-14-2013, 04:24 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by LateToTheParty View Post
Finally heard back from M, and yep...she's out. What was a nice moment for me was actually uncomfortable for her. While she doesn't judge what my wife and I are doing, she says she has a much more conventional view on marriage, and doesn't care to spend time connecting with someone who is going to stay married. But she still wants to hang out in the same manner that we always have, so great. I was afraid our last outing had screwed that up, and I'm very happy to know that it didn't. We might go out next week...not sure.

But romantically...back to square one. Oh well.
You never know something might develop down the road. People think about things and sometimes change. The important thing is that you realize that you can't change people to suit your own style. You get imaginary-internet-points for handling yourself in a noble manner. "Noble" = "worthy, dignified" not "noble" = "aristocratic". I guess I just could have said "worthy & dignified" in the first place, but I enjoy playing with quotation marks.
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  #23  
Old 03-28-2013, 06:07 PM
LateToTheParty LateToTheParty is offline
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Well...new developments have occurred, but not with M.

This is backing up a bit, but needed...

The night I had gone out with M and ended up kissing her (a couple of months ago), she was running late, and I was already at the pub. I stood in the parking lot by my car because the weather was beautiful, and started messing around on my phone, looking at Facebook, etc. I happened to look at who was online, and noticed S...a girl that used to be a barista at a coffeehouse I frequented. I had quite a crush on her, too.

We've known each other for a few years, and I had chatted her up a couple of times in the past...but we've never really known each other that well, because all of our interactions were limited to about 30 seconds at a time. Still...I've always thought she's one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. I was feeling bold that night, and ended up chatting with her online for about 15 minutes. Not sure how I got there, but I ended up complimenting her and admitting the crush I had (have). She was quite flattered by it. After a bit, I had to go because M was nearly there, but we decided to talk again sometime.

***

So, about three weeks ago, I was sitting outside at a bar by myself, enjoying a couple of beers with some time to kill. Picked up my phone, got on FB, and she was online. We started chatting, and really hit it off. I must have talked to her for an hour. Over the following week, S and I sent brief messages back and forth. I told her I was playing a gig that coming Friday - which happened to be her birthday. She was going to be in the area and might stop by. Told her I'd buy her a beer and maybe give her a birthday kiss...she seemed pretty receptive to that.

Some things came up that night - insignificant to this story - so, she never made it out. However, I suggested that I follow up with that beer offer another night, and she accepted.

I was supposed to meet S this past Tuesday, but she had to cancel (dealing with some personal stuff that I won't mention here). She apologized and told me she'd like to try again this next Tuesday. I said, "It's alright...do what you need to do. I'm going out for a couple of drinks regardless, so if you wanna chat, call, whatever, I'll be available."

About a half hour later, just after I sat down with my beer, she sent me a message on FB. So, while I was disappointed that I didn't get to see her, we ended up chatting online for 3 1/2 hours that night. Pretty sure that if she wouldn't have been so tired, we could have easily gone another hour. We got on really well, and it kind of felt like a date, regardless of logistics. It felt very nice.

We texted a little bit throughout the next day (yesterday), and then ended up texting for a couple of hours last night. Great, fun conversation. At one point, I went upstairs to check on one of my kids...came back and made mention of it to her. She said something like "Ohhh yeah, you have kids!"

So, let's stop here for a minute.

Like I said, I've known her for a while, albeit not very well. Despite that, we've been MySpace (which I no longer have...good riddance) and Facebook friends for a few years. And I have no idea if she's ever actually looked at those pages, but there are/were all kinds of pictures of my wife and kids on those sites. And throughout all of our recent talking, nothing had ever come up about it. I was thinking, "Wow...she knows I'm married. I guess she's just cool with this. Great!"

Back to the story...

Since it hadn't come up, I said, "Speaking of kids and all that...just so you understand and aren't left wondering, I'm in an open marriage."

This kind of caught her off guard. She seemed curious - not offended - claiming that she'd never known anyone in such a position. She asked several questions about it. I explained that we're not swingers...this is relationship-based, and sex is not the focus. I told her that my wife has had a steady guy for about half a year, and that she knew we were meeting up, etc. I then asked her, "So, after giving you this info...do you still want to hang out next week?"

"Um, I need time to digest all of that (she was a little buzzed, admittedly). You're great, but I just have more to consider now." I told her I understood, and that I'm more than willing to talk more about it when everyone is sober , and she thanked me for my honesty. Curious, I then asked, "So, you were aware this entire time that I'm married...right?"

Apparently, no.

I don't understand how that's possible, honestly...maybe she thought I was divorced with kids?? I have no idea. I told her that I was sorry...I wasn't meaning to hide anything...I simply thought she knew that. She said it was okay...she should have asked about it.

We ended the conversation by me telling her that I really liked her...felt we connected really well...but I would understand if she decided it was simply not comfortable for her. She replied, "I like you, too. Just gotta process "

***

I'm trying to keep with the positive, thinking that while she could come back and say 'no thanks'...there's an equal chance that she'll be up for it. And without seeming to push - because I want her to remain as comfortable about everything as possible - I'd love to let her know that I'm happy to get together next week just as friends instead of a 'date', to talk about it - and whatever else - in person.

Is that a bad move? Should I just shut up about it and let her decide with the info she has?

Ugh. This is frustrating. We really hit it off so well. Seems so unfair to make a beautiful connection like that, and have circumstance looming around the corner, waiting to possibly destroy it. Any thoughts are much appreciated.
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  #24  
Old 03-28-2013, 06:34 PM
feef feef is offline
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It seems like you're doing everything right from my female perspective. I don't think it would be pushy to let her know that if she wants to talk to you about it in person you'd be happy to, maybe after she's had a little bit of time to process. I usually find myself wanting more info than less, especially when making big decisions, as long as it's not an overwhelming amount.
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  #25  
Old 03-28-2013, 06:50 PM
LateToTheParty LateToTheParty is offline
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Thank you, feef. I love female perspective! Glad to hear it seems that I'm on the right path in dealing with this.
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  #26  
Old 03-28-2013, 08:01 PM
Lotsoflove Lotsoflove is offline
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Some more female perspective

as far as i know, whe are complicated we don't want you to be pushy, and we do not want to make all the moves... and i understand that for you to find the middle road is quite a challenge, especially if not knowing each other for years...

So, 1: trust your gut feeling. 2: keep it light (as you are obviously doing) 3: I personally would love the openness of: "i want to ask you out for dinner with a small or long conversations, but i'm not sure you are ready for it yet." In that way, you make the move, and she can decide the speed! Which is the perfect middle road between pushy, and letting her make the move.

Any other ladies who appreciate that?

Lotsoflove
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  #27  
Old 03-29-2013, 07:36 PM
LateToTheParty LateToTheParty is offline
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Thanks for the feedback. I bit the bullet and sent her a message, asking about Tuesday...saying that we didn't have to consider it a date, but I'd love to maybe just have drinks and talk...said to let me know if she's up for something like that. I purposefully stayed away from the phrase 'meet just as friends.' I do NOT want to get myself put in the friends box. That used to happen to me all the time when I was younger.

My gut feeling is that she's interested, despite the new info. Hope I'm right. *fingers crossed*
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  #28  
Old 03-30-2013, 02:07 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LateToTheParty View Post
My gut feeling is that she's interested, despite the new info. Hope I'm right. *fingers crossed*
Good luck! My fingers are crossed for you, too!
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  #29  
Old 03-30-2013, 11:19 PM
LateToTheParty LateToTheParty is offline
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Thanks, nycindie.

So I texted with S a few times yesterday, but she never made mention of my idea...meeting up and not necessarily considering it a date. I'm sure she's still processing everything, and that's fine...but I'm wondering what the best next move is. If Monday or Tuesday rolls around, and she still hasn't mentioned it...make plans with another friend and not say anything about it? Or ask her about it? "So, haven't heard about tonight, and just wanted to know..."

Seems like the latter might border on pushy, but not sure. Finding it difficult to see the line between letting her know I'm still interested and really want to see her, and resigning myself to the notion of "it is what it is."
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  #30  
Old 03-31-2013, 01:41 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by LateToTheParty View Post
If Monday or Tuesday rolls around, and she still hasn't mentioned it...make plans with another friend and not say anything about it? Or ask her about it? "So, haven't heard about tonight, and just wanted to know..."
Don't be too wishy-washy. I would just say, "I'd really like to see you. What night is good?"
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