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  #31  
Old 03-07-2013, 09:44 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Hi, all you lovely people!

I am really struggling, and it's not something I expected at all.

When Moonlight and I first got together seriously, she requested that I not sleep/have romantic relationships with anyone but her and Fly. At the time, I readily agreed. There really wasn't anyone in my life that I wanted to pursue, and Punk and I had fizzled out. On top of that, I felt that my polyness was not particularly important to me, that it had arisen from my relationship with Fly, and that I could easily be monogamous again if it seemed appropriate.

However, over the last several weeks, I've been chafing under my self-imposed "biogamy," as Fly and I call it. I've been short and irritable with Moonlight, less interested in sex with her, and feeling trapped and suffocated by her love. She constantly talks about me moving in with her, says that Fly will "deal with it" if I did, and says things like "there's no greater love than ours." It makes me feel like the walls are caving in around me.

I didn't really know why I felt like that until my coffee date with Punk. It was so incredibly nice to see him, but I felt so awkward. I was unsure if I could kiss him hello, or cuddle next to him in the booth, or what was appropriate or inappropriate behavior. Instead of freely being myself, I was constrained by the social expectations of a monogamous person. Even though he and I are just good FWB, I have a level of love and affection for him that, for the first time, made me feel guilty.

I'm beginning to think that my polyness is less a lifestyle choice, and more about who I am as a person and what I want for my life. And the more I contemplate that, the more I know that I need to talk to Moonlight, and tell her that I can't do the closed poly anymore. I hate that it's going to hurt her, and I know it may well be a deal breaker for her. I love her so much and I don't want to lose her, but I'm starting to feel resentful and I know she's picking up on it.

I need her to fully realize that I can't be everything she wants in a partner, and that isn't going to change. She relies on me for all her needs, and I absolutely know that I'm not meeting them, and I'm not willing to do what she wants to meet them (commit to her solely, move in with her, possibly get married, have babies). Additionally, I have to live in such a way that I feel happy and fulfilled, and I have very little joy to offer her when I'm so stifled and squashed. I want to have the autonomy to choose who I love and how I relate to them, and I don't think I'm a very kind partner when I don't have that.

So...I'm not sure how this is going to go. I could be losing a partner who means so much to me, for whom I have so much love. It's super scary. I think I'll probably be talking to her this weekend, so we shall see how it all goes down.

Wish me luck and think happy thoughts!
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35/bi/f

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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  #32  
Old 03-07-2013, 10:09 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I hope the talk goes well for you.

It does sound like she has been choosing to ignore certain truths, and so her comments and expectations were unrealistic and even dismissive. Saying things like Fly would just deal with it if you move in with her, actually does come off as being disrespectful of what's important to you. She has probably let herself become very attached to you and is living in fantasy because of it. I am sure you will find a way to state what you need in a loving but firm way. Keep us posted.
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  #33  
Old 03-11-2013, 10:09 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Thanks Indie

It went better than I could have possibly believed!!! Although, I really have a bad sense of timing.

I went over to Moonlight's house for dinner Friday night, and after we retired to the bedroom, she made some joke about keeping me to herself, and I busted out with, "You know I'm not monogamous, right? I've never cheated on our agreement, but you know that's not who I really am?" I probably shouldn't have brought it up right as we were getting down and dirty, but there it is.

She was quiet for a moment, and then she just lay beside me and told me to keep talking. It all poured out - how claustrophobic and pressured I'd been feeling, how afraid I was that it would be a deal breaker for her, but that I needed to be honest and authentic with her, that I loved her too much to keep a piece of me hidden away from her. She listened silently, and when I ran out of words, she asked me if I still want to be with her, if my feelings for her had changed at all. I immediately tried to reassure her that of course not, that it wasn't really about my feelings for her, it's about my feelings about myself.

We cuddled there on the bed for awhile, neither of us saying anything, just holding and breathing together. The next words out of her mouth flabbergasted me. She said, "I admire you. You're so brave. You know what you want, and you're not afraid to say it out loud. I wish I was able to do that."

We talked a bit about the flaws we both have with communication, and how much we love each other, how blessed we both feel. Her final comment was, "It might be hard, especially the first time you sleep with someone else, but I love you and I want you in my life more than I need you to be semi-monogamous. I don't want you to be boxed in by me, I love you and that includes all of you, not just the easy bits."

Then we had really amazing sex.

I feel like the walls have opened up and the world is at my feet! Even though it's grey and rainy today, it seems like sunbeams are streaming through the windows. If my life were a musical, I'd explode into a song and dance. Heck, I might anyway!
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35/bi/f

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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  #34  
Old 03-11-2013, 10:16 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Oh, and we also talked a little about her dependency on me for all her needs. She still doesn't want to date other people, but she's agreed that she needs to be more respectful of my relationship with Fly, and my life choices.

Part of it is that she expresses romance through over-the-top statements and words. However, the typical rom-com/mono love story effusions make poly me itchy and uncomfortable. She's going to think about ways she can verbalize her feelings without putting so much pressure on me. She says she didn't really think about how saying the things she does would bother me, or make me feel like she's disrespecting Fly.

We're still not sure how we're going to navigate this aspect of our relationship, but we've both committed to working on it together, and to be patient with each other.
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35/bi/f

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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  #35  
Old 03-11-2013, 10:37 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RainyGrlJenny View Post
Part of it is that she expresses romance through over-the-top statements and words. However, the typical rom-com/mono love story effusions make poly me itchy and uncomfortable.
Something I learned the hard way, is that we tend to do/say the things we want/need from our partner, instead of doing/saying the things they need to feel loved. Where hearing the over-the-top sappy romantic stuff weirds you out (it does me too ), maybe she is desperate to hear sappy sweet nothings from you, because that's what makes her feel loved (or one of the things).
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  #36  
Old 03-12-2013, 07:20 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Crappy timing is how I roll, but I am glad it went well! I have trouble understanding when partners want something they aren't getting and chafe at the bits instead of just bringing it up, I'll keep my fingers crossed that I can be that graceful next time somebody brings up the hard (for them at least stuff, and thank them for their honesty)!
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  #37  
Old 03-13-2013, 10:03 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Something I learned the hard way, is that we tend to do/say the things we want/need from our partner, instead of doing/saying the things they need to feel loved. Where hearing the over-the-top sappy romantic stuff weirds you out (it does me too ), maybe she is desperate to hear sappy sweet nothings from you, because that's what makes her feel loved (or one of the things).
I totally get this. I want to try to make her feel loved in the ways she needs to hear it, but it seems so insincere because these aren't things I would naturally say. I think I'll have to ponder ahead of time some things I can say that will give her what she needs without making me feel like a fraud. Perhaps I'll have to practice in the mirror.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Crappy timing is how I roll, but I am glad it went well! I have trouble understanding when partners want something they aren't getting and chafe at the bits instead of just bringing it up, I'll keep my fingers crossed that I can be that graceful next time somebody brings up the hard (for them at least stuff, and thank them for their honesty)!
My relationship with her is a lot more "work" than any other in my (admittedly limited) experience, but one thing that makes it so rewarding is that she carries a lot of grace and generosity in her soul. She's found herself in love with someone who does not fit her vision of a partner in some very important ways, and yet she is so committed to making this work even when there are bumps and potholes along the way. And she makes me feel cherished and treasured in a way I've never been before.

I spent the night with her last night, and since our conversation last weekend, everything just feels lighter. I had so much fun with her, we're both so goofy and we laugh so much when we're together. We went out for drinks and a nutritionally naughty dinner (tempura fried bacon! Yowza! ), before returning to the house for sexy times and snuggles. We're coming up on nine months together, which is my second-longest relationship, Fly and I being the longest. Even at times when polyamory is a pain in the ass, I still wake up grateful every day that this is my life.
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35/bi/f

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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  #38  
Old 03-13-2013, 10:03 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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And yay! After over a year, I've finally figured out how to do multiple quotes! I think I deserve a cupcake.
__________________
35/bi/f

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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  #39  
Old 03-13-2013, 10:43 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RainyGrlJenny View Post
I think I deserve a cupcake.
>JaneQ hands RGJ a cupcake...and applauds! <
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #40  
Old 03-20-2013, 06:49 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
>JaneQ hands RGJ a cupcake...and applauds! <
Yummy, thanks!!
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35/bi/f

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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