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  #1  
Old 03-12-2013, 03:41 AM
stephmm20 stephmm20 is offline
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Default Trying to cope

This is my first time postingÖ.
My fiancť told me back in October that she thinks that she may be Poly. This seemed to be triggered by her meeting a man over the summer that she really connected with and felt sexually attracted to.
Let me preface this by saying that we are a lesbian couple and for me, I never imagined sharing my partner with anyone else, especially another man. She has always been a very loving person. She loves the world and I guess Iím not surprised by her coming out as Poly, but I am having a really hard time, understanding what she needs from other people that I canít give her.
She explains it like she has so much love in her heart to give that it extends beyond just me. That she can love others while still loving me the same, even more, because she knows what a big deal this is for me. She loves me and I know she wants to grow our love and share our life together, that I am her primary person.
But right now its really hard to see all that. She is visiting that man that first brought up all these feelings this week. She flew to the opposite side of the country to see him. I just feel so lonely, sad and abandon. Itís hard to connect with her while sheís gone because I keep visualizing them being intimate in some way. Itís difficult to sleep, or even function. I just want her home. I know all these insecurities are unfounded and she will never leave me but I want to know desperately how to come to peace with all of this. Any advice will be greatly appreciated
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  #2  
Old 03-12-2013, 04:01 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I know all these insecurities are unfounded and she will never leave me but I want to know desperately how to come to peace with all of this. Any advice will be greatly appreciated
Sounds like she could do a better job of reassure. You could do a better job of stating your wants, needs, and limits.

Also sounds kinda rushy to me. Is she drunk on NRE and neglecting the needs of the established relationship with you?

Could you be willing to tell her? Something like...
"You are now gone on your visit, and I am left feeling lonely, sad and abandon. My needs are for connection with you are not met. (Before she left? While she's gone? When she returns? Is there a plan to tend to that need for connectiong with her?)

I need you to be aware that I would have preferred some reassure and reaffirm before you left that we are still in a CLOSED relationship. I fear you being intimate with him. I want to talk about that.

I am willing to talk more, but just you coming out to me as poly is NOT me agreeing to be in a polyship with you. This feels too fast to me.

Are you willing to provide that reassure and reaffirm that we will be talking about this when you return? I need to feel emotionally safe in my relationship with you."
Quote:
I know all these insecurities are unfounded and she will never leave me but I want to know desperately how to come to peace with all of this.
"Her not leaving you" is not the same thing as "I want a monoship with her. I do not want to be with her in a polyship as one of her concurrent lovers."

This is a conflict. To be at peace, some conflict resolution must be arrived at.
  • You remain closed -- but you offer her open enough to listen to her poly thoughts and feelings and crushes, while she offers you closed enough so that she's with nobody but you. You both do this with willingness, joy in your hearts, and it is a healthy configuration for both.
  • You choose to Open because YOU want to open for yourself -- not for her but for YOU. You are willing to be a monoamorous person loving a polyamorous person in a polyship shape relationship as a "V arm." You both do this with willingness, joy in your hearts, and it is a healthy configuration for both.
  • You choose to end the romance and be friends because you want mutually exclusive romance shapes for yourselves. You both do this with willingness, joy to still be friends in your hearts, and it is a healthy configuration for both.
  • Something else I cannot think of right now.


You guys could talk and sort it out and arrive at a conclusion.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-12-2013 at 06:57 AM.
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  #3  
Old 03-12-2013, 04:56 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I'm so sorry you are going through that. Its so hard to understand how people can and do have more than one love in their lives. Understanding why someone would suddenly go from mono to poly is kind of like trying to understand why someone would suddenly change their religion I think.

I don't envy your position. I understand what you might be going through and I want to reach out and give you a hug right now. It will be okay. It will always be okay because everything is movement to something better. If you stay grounded in your body, stay fast to your own goals in life, take a deep breath, keep breathing and do your best to empathize as much as you can while using the most reasonable emotional communication you can, you will see through this and come out a better you one day.

Time changes everything. In time you may just see how this will all fit for you in your life and how you will survive and be happy with your relationship life again. There is a lot of work to be done between you and her but most of all the work is in you to do. Finding ways to cope and use what you are going through to benefit you in the future is probably the best you can do right now. Keeping busy on the task of being your own primary is my advice to you. None of us are every alone if we have ourselves. Start thinking of ways you can make this time about you. Find stuff to do that you love to do that you don't get to do when she is around. Make a list of your own goals and start thinking about how to achieve them. Really, she is doing the same in her own way. Be challenged by this new occurrence rather than devastated. Many of us here have been and we are still a live and better for the experience.
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  #4  
Old 03-12-2013, 05:20 AM
Matt Matt is offline
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I have never given advice, but I do hope you find peace and solace in your situation. I'm sorry you are going through any of this.

I, too, have struggled with understanding the entire polyamory concept. I am the monogamous spouse, and I can't wrap my brain around it. I can't speak on behalf of your S/O, but know that she is not doing any of it to hurt you. Know that your relationship is important and hopefully something she too values. Know that you are more than enough and perfect in your own right. I guess that's where that thing called confidence kicks in. Be confident in who you are and what you bring to the table. There is nothing wrong with you or even her. She is just wired a different way. You could be her idea of perfect, and she would still seek something else. You are more than enough, and she has presumably been happy with you and still is. You are engaged after all, so she saw something in you that she has yet to see in another. It is not that this other person has something you don't. She is doing this because she feels some want to share her love and life with another person/other people. Some poly minded people say the heart doubles to accommodate the love of others as opposed to being divided amongst those who are fortunate enough to be in their hearts. Time is an unfortunate sacrifice. There are only 24 hours in the day.

Your S/O needs to slow down and give you time to adjust. There are things that need to be talked out. Poly/monogamous relationships can work, but it takes work. First, for her to go from lesbian to bisexual or feeling some attraction to a male, is different for you. That alone is an adjustment. Second, she has come out as poly, and you need time to process what's being said. She needs to reassure you and remember that your relationship is important and deserves attention and consideration. I have already kind of noticed a red flag. When introducing a monogamous partner to this lifestyle, you have to slow down and think about how it is making them feel. You actually need support from her, too. Once the overall shock wears off, boundaries need to be established.

Talk to her when she gets back. Feeling lonely, abandoned, and all of that is not cool. That means for the time she is so into her new thing that she didn't take time to slow down and ask you how you felt about any of this. In the meantime, take some time for yourself. Take up a hobby, complete tasks that you have been putting off, or just busy yourself until you can have that much needed conversation. Formulate questions to ask her upon her return. Be prepared to spell out your needs, limits, and boundaries. Think about whether or not you even want to be in this type of relationship. It's a lot to handle, and you have every right to say, "I love you, but I can't do this." I wish you well and peace. There are some really awesome people on this forum, and they have been where you are.
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Old 03-12-2013, 07:59 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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I have no real advice but agree very much with redpepper that working out what your needs and wants in life are and sticking to those is well worthwhile.

Having said that - this
Quote:
It will be okay. It will always be okay because everything is movement to something better.
- I utterly disagree with. People say this sort of thing all the time - not to worry because all change is for the good.

It isn't true and for me believing it to be true is dangerous. It allows us to blind ourselves to what is going on around us in the world - to the millions of people being tortured and oppressed (quite often by those in power in the countries we live in), to the people dying of hunger, to the way that we allow outsourcing of goods and services in the name of making money to make the lives of millions just a bit worse.

More - on a personal level this insistence that everything is a change for the better puts pressure on people as individuals to not feel down. If they do feel down, not only are they letting the side down a bit, they are doing things wrong. Watching a gentle person who you've loved for years become distant, violent and aggressive is not a change for the better. It's something to live through but it isn't a change for the better. Having a partner die suddenly isn't a change for the better - it's something to live through but it isn't better.

Some people are lucky and get through these things more easily. They might have lots of loved ones around them to help or they might be particularly resilient. Others are not so lucky. For them these events can blight their lives for years and years to come. Some get depressed enough to kill themselves. Or simply live a life for decades that makes them miserable and bitter and then they die friendless and alone.

I would not get into something that hurt me with the belief that eventually things would be okay - because very often they are not okay in the end.

Be cautious. Think things through and take care of yourself and everybody around you who cares about you.

IP
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  #6  
Old 03-12-2013, 02:10 PM
stephmm20 stephmm20 is offline
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Thanks everyone. I think just knowing that I am not alone makes me feel better. I don't want to give the impression that my partner hasn't taken time with me to work through my feelings, after all she is a therapist. I feel like a lot of the time she puts her own feelings about being poly aside to tend to my needs. She even asked before she left if we needed to make some boundaries surrounding sex before she left but I said no. I just feel like I'd rather almost get that over with (that she has sex with someone else) just to help relieve the anticipation of it!

We talked a lot before she left, she wrote me a long love letter, bought me a bear to cuddle with and so on. She very much cares and loves me, otherwise I wouldn't be marrying her. I can't imagine ever finding anyone like her, I just need to find differentiation about her seeing someone else and her being with me.

I know I need to learn how to distract from this, I think I feel jealous.... and that's a horrible feeling. Anyways-- I appreciate all the support. And believe me, we will be doing a lot of processing when she comes home
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Old 03-12-2013, 02:14 PM
stephmm20 stephmm20 is offline
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She is doing this because she feels some want to share her love and life with another person/other people. Some poly minded people say the heart doubles to accommodate the love of others as opposed to being divided amongst those who are fortunate enough to be in their hearts. Time is an unfortunate sacrifice. There are only 24 hours in the day.

This really resonated with me-- she has said this before and I appreciate the validation that you gave by repeating it.
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Old 03-12-2013, 02:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I know I need to learn how to distract from this, I think I feel jealous.... and that's a horrible feeling. Anyways-- I appreciate all the support. And believe me, we will be doing a lot of processing when she comes home
Could this help? esp page 5 and page 6 things?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

GG
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Old 03-12-2013, 05:42 PM
stephmm20 stephmm20 is offline
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Thanks for the link to this... funny, my partner mentioned this reading this morning when we talked. Seems from a quick glance it's alot of what I'm feeling for sure.
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