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  #11  
Old 01-07-2010, 08:36 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I've said this before: it sounds irksome to me when people speak of "opening up their marriage" or "adding another person to their relationship". It's like saying "here's the deal and you can join too". It sounds like you have a sports-team and you're looking for someone to play a particular position.

My husband and I are gradually hashing out the theory-versus-reality of having other intimate/romantic relationships besides our own and it in no way feels like we're "changing" our marriage (we got married for pragmatic reasons, although we do have sex and affection). If something is "missing" in one relationship, I don't think the answer is to try to fill the void with another relationship. I think it's about meeting a person or persons that you would like to have a relationship with and trying to fit that into your life. I don't go around thinking in terms of "my husband doesn't like some of the same hobbies as i do so i think i need a relationship with someone who likes X, Y, and Z." But, I am a bit of a misanthrope and don't make a point to meet people just for the sake of meeting people. I find more quality over quantity by just doing what interests me and if I make new friends, then that's like extra gravy. That was how i met S in the first place.
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  #12  
Old 01-07-2010, 08:52 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
It's like saying "here's the deal and you can join too".

I pick up on that too..but I am a freak...oh no!..you're a freak too!
You're laughing right?...seriously, I'm afraid of you
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  #13  
Old 01-07-2010, 09:52 PM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
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Originally Posted by JessieNY View Post
For me I have insecurities about opening up my marriage because I feel that our marriage has a lot of issues in it that need to be worked on first.
Have you sat down and figured out exactly what those issues are and what needs to be done about them? Sometimes spouses who aren't comfortable with poly will point to the issues in their marriage as a reason not to be poly- and then do absolutely nothing to fix those issues, just keeping the marriage too broken to add more people.

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Originally Posted by JessieNY View Post
And I am insecure about him possible trading me up? If that sounds logical?
Honestly, I don't see the logic. Why would he want to leave you for someone else if he can have both?

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Plus I have been married for 10 years and now all of the sudden he decides he wants another woman. it is hard not to think negatively after all those years.
Can you think of it as he's been pretty happy all those years but maybe thinking about it, and now he's either feeling secure enough to actually talk about it, or maybe he learned more about poly and suddenly sees that there's a way to have exactly what he wants?
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  #14  
Old 01-08-2010, 12:54 AM
surfer surfer is offline
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Thanks for the comments and replies.

GroundedSpirit, I agree with you that using "terms that are too broad" can confuse things even more, I've definitely made that mistake in the past. I guess reading and posting on this board is good practice at being more specific.

YGirl, it's interesting that you and your husband don't see having other intimate/romantic relationships besides your own as changing your marriage. I can see how that could be true, not sure it's true in my case but not sure exactly why. Need to think more about that!
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  #15  
Old 01-08-2010, 02:18 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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YGirl, it's interesting that you and your husband don't see having other intimate/romantic relationships besides your own as changing your marriage. I can see how that could be true, not sure it's true in my case but not sure exactly why. Need to think more about that!
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said it that way. I was thinking about what I said and the way I said it as I was getting ready for bed last night, but I was too tired to log back on the computer and edit my previous post.

Of course it "changes" our marriage - or I should say, our relationship. People are always in a constant state of change, and so are relationships. I meant that it doesn't need to affect us for the reasons we got married. The reasons we got married were so that he could be my legal next-of-kin in case something happens. We did not get married so much because of our relationship as because of the pragmatic benefits. Yes, we love each other, but that would be so whether we have/had the piece of paper or not. I think of the marriage as non-synonymous with the relationship - I was in a marriage of convenience when I was in my 20's so the guy could get a green-card, and I tend to think of it more as a business arrangement with society.

If that makes more sense?
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  #16  
Old 01-08-2010, 05:31 PM
JessieNY JessieNY is offline
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Stitch...i guess my problem is with he is allowed to open up to another relationship as long as it is a girl but I am not allowed to involve another man if I wanted to. Which I do not but it would be nice to know that it isn't just one sided with my husband. Also, our relationship is strained...immensly..it has been for a year or 2 now....i can only see adding someone else at this time would only make matters worse because I feel unattended to by him now - we don't go anywhere hardly, i have to beg him to watch a movie with me...and i can't remember the last time we had a date or he bought me a gift - he does not believe it holidays,birthdays etc...but if i forget his birthday gift it turns into a fight. He says he is not the gift giving type a guy - well fine then at least spend time with me and give to me emotinally. that is why i thind adding would only hurt our relationship also hurt someone new. I can't imagine someone wanting to feel as i feel in teh current relationship. I am sorry to ramble on but I fail to see how adding someone at this point would help matters.
I do try to talk to my huband about how I feel but it is no use... he says this is my world and my house and if you dont like it leave. So what is that all about?! I am not entitled to my feelings or opnions?
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  #17  
Old 01-08-2010, 05:40 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by JessieNY View Post
I am sorry to ramble on but I fail to see how adding someone at this point would help matters.
I do try to talk to my huband about how I feel but it is no use... he says this is my world and my house and if you dont like it leave. So what is that all about?! I am not entitled to my feelings or opnions?
RED FLAG!! You are totally right on all accounts and don't let anyone tell you different. Adding to a clearly strained relationship is not healthy. Sounds to me like he wants more for himself, and gave you one very big ultimatum.
Poly relationships need a solid foundation, trust, communication, negotiation, and respect. Your relationship does not show signs of any of these in regards to his attitude and already neglectful treatment of you.

You need to seriously look at why you are with him in the first place..maybe his ultimatum is the healthiest choice?

Sorry for the bluntness.
Take care of yourself
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  #18  
Old 01-08-2010, 05:45 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
RED FLAG!! You are totally right on all accounts and don't let anyone tell you different. Adding to a clearly strained relationship is not healthy. Sounds to me like he wants more for himself, and gave you one very big ultimatum.
Mono
Yeppers - I/we are with mono on this one ! Our sympathies go out to you !
He needs a wake up call in a big way. If there's really any love for you in him, someone needs tell him that he's on the verge of losing it. And if that happens, rest assured that there are other people out there in the world that will embrace you in a far more loving & respectful way !

Keep us posted.

GS
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  #19  
Old 01-08-2010, 06:17 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by JessieNY View Post
he does not believe it holidays,birthdays etc...but if i forget his birthday gift it turns into a fight. He says he is not the gift giving type a guy -
He doesn't "believe" in holidays or birthdays, but gets mad if someone forgets his.

He is not the "gift-giving type" but he is the "gift-receiving type".

Seems to me that women should be lining up out the door and around the block to get with this swell one.

What a catch.

[/sarcasm]
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  #20  
Old 01-08-2010, 07:36 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JessieNY View Post
I do try to talk to my huband about how I feel but it is no use... he says this is my world and my house and if you dont like it leave. So what is that all about?! I am not entitled to my feelings or opnions?
Yikes...
I've been with my wife a similar amount of time. While we sometimes have fallen into patterns where someones needs occasionally get neglected. Fortunately we fight good! There's a cycle that'll kick in where we can talk about these things and we each can ante up to make changes as required to resolve these things (for her this has included some similar requests as yours about needing time and attention). This is something that served us well before and during our marriage up to this point, even before we started talking about opening it up.

Your bit above that I've quoted frankly blows my mind. If I made a comment like that, I'd probably be sleeping in a tent in the backyard faster than the 8 seconds that a rodeo bull gets to buck the rider! And it'd be more exciting to watch too, I'm sure...at least for the neighbors.
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