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  #21  
Old 03-10-2013, 02:16 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Eth, how long have you been married...and how long have you been open ?

And what would be your ideal relationship contruct regardless of any of these specific players.....what's your vision of perfect?

Do you feel like you had to settle over and over to be in this ?

Last edited by dingedheart; 03-10-2013 at 02:36 AM.
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  #22  
Old 03-11-2013, 01:49 AM
Eth76 Eth76 is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Eth, how long have you been married...and how long have you been open ?

And what would be your ideal relationship contruct regardless of any of these specific players.....what's your vision of perfect?

Do you feel like you had to settle over and over to be in this ?
We have been together for 15 years, married for 12, and we have been open for six!

I think that we have done really good for the most part, and I do love her, so my ideal relationship is what I've had. This baby thing was thrown a real spanner into the works though, and has made me realise that ou need to know when to let a good thing go!

Have I had to settle over and over? Well she is the one that had the affair, she is the one that wanted to open things up, she is the one that fell in love with someone else, she is the one that initially pushed me away and allowed him to be her main lover, and she is the one that had his child, although that was not deliberate! However I'm not gonna pretend that I've been some kind of victim in all this, that would just be a whole bunch of bullshit. I've had a ball, a great time, and I was able to do that because she was the one that did all of the above. There was no bitterness until now!

Alex is more reliable with his time, he is at her beck and call, and in truth, I'm not, and never was. I have always done my own thing, had my own friends, and social life, and done pretty much as I pleased. I never once cheated on her though, never touched another woman without her being present. When she said she wanted to open things up, it would be fair to say that I really went for it, and as I said, I've had a grand time. I never loved anyone but her though!
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  #23  
Old 03-11-2013, 02:08 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Affairs suck. I did it-learned the lesson and don't approve.

But once it is put in "forgiven" drawer-its off the list of topics to continue to mull over.


I cringe over the lack of prioritizing the child in your story.

But-yes, I have a child from prior to marriage, a child with my husband and a child with my boyfriend (who was the man I had an affair with).

We all live together, the kids come first and yes it works. They are noww 21, 13, and 5.
We also co-grandparent Little P who is 2 and are looking forward to his baby brother who is in the oven.

I love them both.
I got to poly by way of some shitty choices.

If you want to ask me anything-feel free. I am an open book.
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"Love As Thou Wilt"
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  #24  
Old 03-11-2013, 02:16 AM
Eth76 Eth76 is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You are his second dad, that's all. You are already a dad. That's why you miss him. And he surely misses you.

I think it is quite unfortunate that your wife and her lover have this notion of not wanting a "half" sibling. To a child, a new brother or sister will just be a brother or sister. They would only look at them as "half" anything if the parents tell them to. And it is a pretty shitty thing to do to a family, making a full sibling more important than a half. They need to get over themselves.

You and he are both fathers, one by biology and the other by love and commitment. If I were you, I would go back to your wife and both of you try to get her pregnant, and everyone love all the children equally and stand by each other in unity as co-parents of all the children together, no matter whose sperm fertilized the egg. The more important thing is love.

You should PM LovingRadiance or read her posts about her family dynamics. She has a husband and a boyfriend and children from each. They all parent together and it works.
I really appreciate that sentiment nycindie, its what my wife says. I'm just as much of a father to Harry as Alex is, and I'll be the same to their next child.

To be frank though, its just not true, and she knows it. I am not his Dad, Alex is! Alex is Daddy, and I'm Ethan! I'm not his Uncle or step-father or anything else. To Harry, I am Ethan! I do not have a problem with that. It is true that I do as much for him as they do, I bath him, dress him, take him to school, take him out places, and I do really enjoy being with him, and I love Harry to bits, and vice versa, but I am not his Dad. Alex is his Dad.

While she was pregnant, I really wanted to be the Father. I got proper into it, while Alex was not that bothered either way, but then, he had not been through a late miscarriage with her like I had. Its dumb, but when we found out that he was the father, it felt like I had lost another child, the sense of upset was similar. Dumb, but thats the way I felt!

She knew this, and thats why she promised me what she did, and now she has gone back on that promise. It hurts. She loves me, but does not want my child, when she knows what it means to me. She cannot doubt that I would be a really good Dad, she could see how I was with Harry, and I dont believe her bullshit about half brothers/sisters either.

The truth is that she just wants to have another child with Alex, and not with me.

I think that she is very selfish to be on the phone to me again today, crying and sceaming, and trying to make me feel guilty about leaving her, and asking me to go back.

Its not gonna happen.
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  #25  
Old 03-11-2013, 02:31 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I think that she is very selfish to be on the phone to me again today, crying and sceaming, and trying to make me feel guilty about leaving her, and asking me to go back.

Its not gonna happen.
Stand firm then. You are done, let it BE done.

Lather, rinse, repeat.
"I hear your upset. I hear your disappointment. I am disappointed to. But it is what it is. We cannot go back. I am sorry."
GG
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  #26  
Old 03-11-2013, 02:37 AM
Eth76 Eth76 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Affairs suck. I did it-learned the lesson and don't approve.

But once it is put in "forgiven" drawer-its off the list of topics to continue to mull over.


I cringe over the lack of prioritizing the child in your story.

But-yes, I have a child from prior to marriage, a child with my husband and a child with my boyfriend (who was the man I had an affair with).

We all live together, the kids come first and yes it works. They are noww 21, 13, and 5.
We also co-grandparent Little P who is 2 and are looking forward to his baby brother who is in the oven.

I love them both.
I got to poly by way of some shitty choices.

If you want to ask me anything-feel free. I am an open book.
The affair is long forgotten and is not an issue between the three of us, and has not been for a long time.

Its great that your arrangement works for you, I'm sure it could for us also, it is what I want! They do not though!

I've talked over and over it with her. I love her, I love that kid, I love Alex, the four of us were great together. The two of them, tight together, and me also loving her, but doing my own thing as well. The three of us loving that boy, them as the more traditional parents, and Harry and I as something else. He is the absolute priority, and she is a great Mum, and Alex is a great Dad, and I except that Harry is upset that I'm not there, but.....what can I do?

I just feel that we have taken this as far as we can now, and that makes me sad, and her sad, and Harry sad, but it is what it is.

I want to be a Father at some point, and she has made it clear that it will not be with her, and yet she does not want to let me go. Its selfish and I cannot see anyway back from that.
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  #27  
Old 03-11-2013, 02:50 AM
Eth76 Eth76 is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Stand firm then. You are done, let it BE done.

Lather, rinse, repeat.
"I hear your upset. I hear your disappointment. I am disappointed to. But it is what it is. We cannot go back. I am sorry."
GG
I have excepted that we are through now. It does not make it easier though, 15 years is a long time. However, as upset as I am, I am also relieved.

If I'm honest, I would like a clean break, I would prefer not to see her, as I believe that seeing each other will make things harder for us both! That is not possible though because of Harry! Its not his fault.......So I'll be picking him up from school tommorrow, and we will just do what we always do.
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  #28  
Old 03-11-2013, 03:03 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I think that we have done really good for the most part, and I do love her, so my ideal relationship is what I've had. This baby thing was thrown a real spanner into the works though, and has made me realise that I need to know when to let a good thing go!

Have I had to settle over and over? Well she is the one that had the affair, she is the one that wanted to open things up, she is the one that fell in love with someone else, she is the one that initially pushed me away and allowed him to be her main lover, and she is the one that had his child, although that was not deliberate! However I'm not gonna pretend that I've been some kind of victim in all this, that would just be a whole bunch of bullshit. I've had a ball, a great time, and I was able to do that because she was the one that did all of the above. There was no bitterness until now!
It sounded to me that you've had to settle along the way too and to me that would never be the case in the imagined ideal. So are you saying your next relationship will be a poly dynamic with you as a secondary but with you having biological children ?


Who's names are on the birth certificates ? Does Harry use your name.

I'd get the paternity documented and consult with an attorney you could be on the hook for child support.
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  #29  
Old 03-11-2013, 05:43 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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If I'm honest, I would like a clean break, I would prefer not to see her, as I believe that seeing each other will make things harder for us both! That is not possible though because of Harry! Its not his fault.......So I'll be picking him up from school tommorrow, and we will just do what we always do.
Could you give them a heads up? That you need to have a time apart -- say a month? Starting on _____. So best they make alternate arrangements for Harry pick up that month?

They'd have to do it if you went on vacation or a business trip. This is no different. In fact, it could be more important than vacation/business adjustments. It's making the space for mourning so your best health and hers could be able to move forward. Then you can see what new shape this family could take so you are able to date, bond with someone else, and see if bio fatherhood is in your future or not.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-11-2013 at 05:46 PM.
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  #30  
Old 03-13-2013, 11:40 PM
Eth76 Eth76 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
It sounded to me that you've had to settle along the way too and to me that would never be the case in the imagined ideal. So are you saying your next relationship will be a poly dynamic with you as a secondary but with you having biological children ?


Who's names are on the birth certificates ? Does Harry use your name.

I'd get the paternity documented and consult with an attorney you could be on the hook for child support.
I guess I have settled for things along the way, but I have had the most amazing time, so I think it would be a bit rich for me to complain to loudly! Also, my wife sees things differently to what I do, although certain things she cannot contest!

Alex is the boys Dad, and his name is on the birth certificate. It would not be an issue anyways, neither Alex, nor myself have any financial issues!
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