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  #11  
Old 03-10-2013, 12:30 PM
ferenc ferenc is offline
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Thankyou all for your comments . All good food for thought and Thank you again JaneQ I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not ego – I KNOW I can’t be everything for everyone. As far as cultural conditioning goes I’ve always broken the rules and am totally comfortable with that. So I started thinking “what state would I be in to confidently say my wife has a lover?” and that would be if I could say “I trust my wife wants to be with me” and here’s the kicker – she’s thinking about leaving me (for him or anyone else if he doesn’t work out) to continue her spiritual journey. So I don’t have the confidence she wants to stay with me.

I have joined a group (Brisbane Poly People) and went to their meeting this afternoon. I met a V (man/wife/gf) and asked how the wife dealt with the introduction of a gf. Turns out the wife had the first lover so I asked the man how he dealt with it. “Lots of talking and checking in with each other” “Do you love me? Do you still want to be with me?” to which the wife emphatically replied “yes” every time. So I guess my situation is different in that I don’t know what she wants. If I could confidently say “I trust my wife wants to be with me” I wouldn’t be embarrassed. So I’m insecure in our relationship for starters, and have just come out of 3 weeks of psych hospital due to long term depression including a slowly decaying marriage, and realized I have lost ‘me’, become totally fused in my family (so if my family life is fucked my whole life is fucked) and become lost and needy. Very unhealthy I know but such is life ATM…so feeling insecure in myself as well.

So my wife meets a guy who’s wise, centred, not needy, giving her energy instead of draining like me, teaching her something new (tantra), and is new and shiny (and doesn't have to pay bills, do housework, raise children). No wonder she wants to keep me at arms length… I’m working on my issues and regaining my sense of self, but I’m not there yet, and it seems to me that my bouts of neediness are met with “very unattractive, keep away, too hard, stop impinging on my NRE bliss bubble”. But we’d decided to work on our relationship for a year and re-assess.

So last Friday night after much talk and empathy about how devastated she would feel in my situation, we had a magical tantric sex experience. She always wondered if she could have with me what she’s been sharing with her lover, but after Friday night she said she hoped she could have what we had with her lover. So I was on top of the world. Then Sunday night (first time they hadn’t been in contact for 3 days ) she calls her lover and he expresses how much he missed her, how much he loved her, and how he wished that the circumstances were different and that he could live with her. Suddenly my wife starts thinking again about leaving me. Emotional roller-coaster is an understatement, and in my post-depression fragile state it’s doing my head in. So tonight I’ve said that I want some space for me to ‘find me’, remove myself emotionally from her and to another bedroom, and give her space to work out what she wants. So of course that was taken as “we’re breaking up” and ”you realise that by removing yourself emotionally from me that you’re pushing me into my lovers arms”

I’ve told her repeatedly that I love her, I think we’re meant to be together, but I can’t take the emotional turmoil in my current state. What to do…?
In turmoil,
ferenc
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  #12  
Old 03-11-2013, 12:15 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Tough situation, but I suppose my advice is that if you need to take a break from the romantic/intimate aspect of your relationship with your wife, at least try to keep the channels of communication open, let her know what you're thinking and feeling, and hear her out on whatever she's got to say. I suspect that she is in a bit of an "NRE fog" and it is affecting her judgment. Not to excuse her, but this type of thing has been known to happen. She may one day regret having neglected you now.

Sounds like embarrassment is the least of your challenges; you're trying to work on yourself as a person and cope with the possibility of a split (divorce?) in the future. You have a tough year ahead of you; you'll have to cut yourself some slack and just do the best you can.

I'm sorry things are as difficult as they are. Hope you'll get a break soon.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #13  
Old 03-11-2013, 12:53 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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It does sound like she is trying to create a climate where she can get out of the marriage but not feel guilty for dumping you. If it looks like you "drove her to it" then mission accomplished.
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