Online Dating...When to Mention Poly?

[MeeraReed]

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

Interesting. Because I think in dating partner, noting "Asian" is important. People come with their family of origin culture stuff and that could affect compatability. It's also easy chitchat for date openers -- "My family culture is____. Tell me more about yours. " Maybe it is easy chitchat for ME because I'm multiethnic? I dunno. People always are asking me "So... what blend ARE you?" It doesn't seem like a biggie to me.
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But from her profile, he doesn't know that her CULTURE is Asian, only that her FACE is.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

I'm more concerned about "don't want to deal with the hassle of monoshipping" --- what hassle? It's the same skills, just more players. If anything polyshipping has more "hassles" because you are trying to get along with more people!

I don't think someone who refers to the "hassle" of monogamous relationships is necessarily a red flag. Many people are seeking poly dating because they do indeed find mono dating to be emotionally difficult or impractical. I myself feel that for me it's not worth the trouble of deciding to give up other dating opportunities just to be exclusive with one person. That would be my interpretation.

And sure, she may be approaching poly from a more casual / dating around perspective, but that can work just fine.

[GalaGirl]

But from her profile, he doesn't know that her CULTURE is Asian, only that her FACE is.

So? Again... Asking her more about herself, her family, and her family culture is still a valid "get to know you" question. Doesn't everyone have a family and their family quirky stuff?

To clarify -- I'm going with the 5b definition of culture there. "Hi there. Could you tell me more about you and your way of life? What's being YOU like?"

EVERYONE has a family culture, a school or work culture that they can talk about in chit chat mode.Their own way of doing things, how they grew up, customs they observe. Maybe they want to talk about pop culture and what they like about that. Who knows.

I don't think someone who refers to the "hassle" of monogamous relationships is necessarily a red flag.

It isn't a red flag. Casual approach is fine. I just meant that it could be "a please clarify" for Man of Discovery. Like... "I noticed you mention hassles...What could those be to you?" Again... "tell me more about you!" type stuff to learn how that could align with the things Man of Discovery is seeking.

I'm not trying to make it be a bigger deal that it is. I'm just coming from the POV of -- "could do some more online chit chat first" to see if it is worth making an "in person" date with this responder or not.

Man of Discovery -- I hope you have fun if you do decide to chit chat some more with her or even go out in person.

Galagirl

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by BoringGuy

Except there is one thing wrong with that reasoning:

"Asian" is not a "culture". By the way, "African" is also not a "culture". Neither is "Latin" a "culture". "European" is also not a "culture". Those are CONTINENTS, not CULTURES (although "Latin" is not a continent but usually refers to South America and/or the Caribbean region). There are MANY "cultures" within those broad ethnic and geographical delineations.

Enough people disagree with you that there's a long wiki page dedicated to the "Culture of Asia."

Depending on which convention you use, Asia is not a continent either. It's a region of the continent of Eurasia, as North America and South America are regions of the continent of America.

[[Aside: my gf's hubby is perpetually amused by citizens of The United States of America making such a big deal about "America this" and "American that," especially when they start talking about "Mexicans vs Americans." Mexicans ARE Americans.]]

My point being that there's enough controversy on the subject that you can't definitively say "You're wrong, everyone agrees that it's actually like this."

To GG's side, no matter what "Asian" means, it's pretty much guaranteed that a white man from England is going to have a different culture than someone who identifies as "Asian" in any sense of the word.

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

I'm not trying to make it be a bigger deal that it is. I'm just coming from the POV of -- "could do some more online chit chat first" to see if it is worth making an "in person" date with this responder or not.

I generally think it's almost always worth meeting someone in person. If I'm even slightly interested in someone, I prefer to meet them as quickly as possible. You could spend weeks chatting with someone online and think they're really great, and then discover within 5 minutes of meeting that you just don't click. Very rarely is someone so awful that an hour of coffee is a waste of time. If they are, I have no compunctions against suddenly remembering I have to do my laundry after 15 minutes.

Conversely, if I can't find time to meet them even once, then I obviously don't have time to date them.

[Tonberry]

Honestly, I thought the "Asian" was part of him giving lots of details for some reason. I agree saying she's Asian isn't relevant to the story. But neither is saying she's really cute, or giving us her age. If he had just said "A woman contacted me", the interesting part of the story would have remained unchanged.

Some people just add lots of details, I wouldn't read too much into it.

[ManofDiscovery]

Originally Posted by Tonberry

Honestly, I thought the "Asian" was part of him giving lots of details for some reason. I agree saying she's Asian isn't relevant to the story. But neither is saying she's really cute, or giving us her age. If he had just said "A woman contacted me", the interesting part of the story would have remained unchanged.

Some people just add lots of details, I wouldn't read too much into it.

Exactly.

Details (within reason) tend to add to the story, helps to build up a picture of what's going on. A lot of times when I say 'a girl contacted me', I get questioned on what she was like...hence this gives a quick picture.

I certainly wasn't expecting the 15 pages of discussion on Asia vs Eurasia afterwards.

I will have to be super careful on here in future not to say anything that could be twisted/misinterpreted etc. I will have to turn myself into a politician.

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by ManofDiscovery

I certainly wasn't expecting the 15 pages of discussion on Asia vs Eurasia afterwards.

I will have to be super careful on here in future not to say anything that could be twisted/misinterpreted etc. I will have to turn myself into a politician.

It's a discussion forum. Hence, we discuss. You'll notice your question was answered repeatedly before the thread got derailed in several directions.

I've never had an enjoyable conversation of the form "Question. Answer. Question. Answer." All the best discussions use one question as a starting point, and then the conversation follows a winding path of interest.

I don't understand your complaint - is it your intention to continue the "when to disclose poly" discussion? I don't think anyone can add to that topic, but if it suits you, you're welcome to attempt micromanagement with pointed follow-up questions.

[ManofDiscovery]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

It's a discussion forum. Hence, we discuss. You'll notice your question was answered repeatedly before the thread got derailed in several directions.

I've never had an enjoyable conversation of the form "Question. Answer. Question. Answer." All the best discussions use one question as a starting point, and then the conversation follows a winding path of interest.

I don't understand your complaint - is it your intention to continue the "when to disclose poly" discussion? I don't think anyone can add to that topic, but if it suits you, you're welcome to attempt micromanagement with pointed follow-up questions.

You make the best points, SC. Thanks for being here.

[Surriess]

to get back on topic...when to disclose poly?

I find it easiest to bring it up right away. why extend it and later find out that she may not be into it? because if you bring it up right away and find out shes not into it, move on to the next one! that is exactly what i do when i do my online dating at lavalife.

I have no idea why some people find it so hard to be honest.

[Natja]

Originally Posted by Surriess

I have no idea why some people find it so hard to be honest.

Insecurity.