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Old 03-10-2013, 09:34 AM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Location: California
Posts: 278

Originally Posted by writingholiday View Post
My problem is that there is a new girl at the office that I've become good friends with. We had a lovely lunch together today. Regardless of whether or not anything will happen between us, I would love to share this with her, just to have someone to talk to.
Small piece of completely un-asked for advice; DONT DATE AT WORK! Fishing off the company pier is a terrible idea for a laundry list of reasons.

Who have you told about your arrangement?
Most (if not all) of my friends know. Nobody in my family does, though that is more because I just haven't bothered to say anything rather than deliberately trying to hide.

Most of my coworkers know simply because we spend so much time socializing that it'd be hard to hide.

Have you ever experienced negative consequences from telling the wrong person?
Not really. It helped rid me of a few superfluous dickheads I had in my life but no there's been no significant blowback.

I was expecting there to be a total bloodbath once I went public but no, most people barely reacted. I think most people tend to over-estimate the response that people will have. Sometimes you get blindsided by someone you weren't expecting but usually the trouble makers are apparent before you open up.
I am as direct as a T-Rex with 'roid rage and about as subtle. It isn't intended to cause upset, I just prefer to talk plain. There are plenty of other people here who do the nice, polite thing much better than I can. I'm what you'd call a "problem dinner guest."
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Old 03-10-2013, 11:55 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Posts: 5,510

We are all out to everyone. Both the guys are out at work (both also have supervisor positions in their respective fields).
I am out at school.

All of our friends and family know.
It's just not something I can imagine trying to keep secret.

The three of us live together-have for 10 years. We're raising kids-we're out with them as well.

I often say, I just don't do closets well & poly is no exception.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 03-11-2013, 10:41 PM
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naturalblue naturalblue is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 21

We are out to most of our friends, however we have not told our family.

Most of our friends are either in poly relationships too or are poly-friendly so that was no issue.

I'm pretty sure our families would disapprove though so it's just easier to keep it from them. I'm not ashamed of our lives but don't want to spend the energy defending our choices and lifestyle to people who will likely never understand or approve. It's really none of their business anyway.
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Old 03-14-2013, 03:44 AM
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writingholiday writingholiday is offline
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 10

Thanks for the tips.

I'll have to try being less secretive about the arrangement my wife and I have. My biggest fear is that when people find out about our openess, I'll be somewhat embarrassed by the fact that my wife finds a lot more partners than I do. It sounds great on paper, but in reality it's a bit different.

When I do tell people about our arrangement, I'll make sure the one that do find out are both open minded and discrete.

Yes, I am a bit uneasy about the whole "don't get your honey where you get your money", but aside from "dating" sites which don't seem to work, I don't have many opportunities to meet potential partners. Still I'll make sure that I keep my friendship with the new girl in the office at just that. If I do meet someone at work I'll make sure they at least work in another department.
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Old 03-19-2013, 03:11 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
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Originally Posted by Helo View Post
I think most people tend to over-estimate the response that people will have. Sometimes you get blindsided by someone you weren't expecting but usually the trouble makers are apparent before you open up.
This is similar to my own experience. I've had some dumb questions asked but mainly everyone seems to just pretend I didn't say it. Most people in my personal life know well enough to keep their condemnation to themselves else they risk an escort to the door.

As far as work is concerned, I approach my polyamory the same way I always have my atheism: if I'm willing to get burned down by some religious twat because they hate what they don't understand... then I should share it. If I'm NOT willing to go to war with some hillbilly then I'd better keep my trap shut. (note: I live in Texas)
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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Old 05-02-2013, 01:29 AM
allthecats allthecats is offline
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Location: Pacific NW, USA
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Default Coming out to family as queer and polyamorous

If you're non-straight and polyamorous, did you come out to your family? As both or one of these?

If both, did you come out as non-straight and polyamorous at the same time, or did you come out as one first and then the other later?

Would you advise someone to come out to family, especially a family adverse to alternative sexual lifestyles, to come out as both at the same time, or one at a time?
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Old 05-02-2013, 02:09 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 398

I did them separately because I never intended to come out to my parents as poly. That happened because my mom thinks she can listen in on conversations (such as listening through a closed door).

However my parents have seemed to forgotten about the poly part and I probably will not bring it up until I have bought a house (the money that would be used, stocks, are in an account under both my dad and myself {was opened when I was born and according to the stockbroker it's a pain in the ass to change ownership} and I don't want to risk causing a situation that makes that money difficult to reach).
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
N8: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: N8 girlfriend
Ruby: Part of the Leather Family
Logan: Leather Sir in the Family
Arc: Logan's boy
Holly: Leather family
K: Holly's sub
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Old 05-02-2013, 02:23 AM
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Scissors Scissors is offline
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Along the dotted line.
Posts: 12

If separately, which one will you do first? What are your metrics to even choose? Can that choice be misconstrued as you being "unsure" that you are either poly or queer? Why give your apparently already close-minded family even more ammunition, albeit unwittingly?

... not worth the time/effort to think circles around doing them separately.

If you must, rip both band-aids off at once.

However, I think "the best kind of coming out" is not acting out of the ordinary, like my lifestyle is the most normal in the world. It's hard to attack someone who possesses the quiet confidence that what they are doing is right by them, and right by who they love.
Dating Rock and Paper.
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Old 05-02-2013, 06:36 AM
Eponine Eponine is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 125

I came out as poly first and as asexual later, only to my mom. The reason I did them separately is simple: I didn't realize I was asexual at first. I won't come out as anything to any other family member, because I'm not close to them at all.
Heteroromantic asexual female, sex-positive, childfree, relationship anarchist.
Married to G, and in a partially non-romantic, completely non-sexual and long-distance triad with A and L.
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Old 05-24-2013, 07:38 AM
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PolyPaulie PolyPaulie is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 9
Default How do I come out as Poly to Coworkers/Religious Family/Friends?

First of all, I don't live at home anymore and I am able to support myself. In order to avoid conflict and a bad home life as a teenager, I waited until I was out of the house to come clean to my family about some things. But now it feels like I just keep dropping bombs on them. They spent the first 18 years of my life thinking I was one way, and in the last two years I've had to explain that I am an atheist, that I had a girlfriend, and then that I was Pansexual! So, my very conservative catholic family is getting pretty tired of my announcements.


I was wondering if anyone had any advise on how to tell my parents and family about Polyamory.

How do I explain Poly to people who's religion condemns it as sin?

And on that note, What is an appropriate way/time to come out as poly to people who are interested in dating you? To new friends? How about coworkers?

Andy advise/personal stories are appreciated!
Pan, Poly, Paulie, from PA

Last edited by PolyPaulie; 05-24-2013 at 07:54 AM.
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coming, coming out, coming out poly, coming out to family, religious

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