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Old 03-09-2013, 07:33 AM
tempestuous1 tempestuous1 is offline
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Question My Intro...and confusion

Hi Everyone,

I am new here, and I wanted to start with a basic introduction and then maybe proceed to the confusion that has become my life.

My name is Carrie, and I'm 36. I've been married to a wonderful husband, who happens to be my 2nd, as I'm previously divorced. He's 5 years older than I am, we've been together for over 9 years and have been married for 5. We have the most amazing daughter who will be 4 in April.

For the most part we get along great. It's like we're made for eachother, although our sexual relationship has suffered since our daughter was born. We've had a lot of financial issues among other things, but we've weathered the storms thus far because of our love for eachother and our daughter.

I've considered myself bisexual for as long as I can remember, but basically have said that it was either or, for Mike's sake. If I'm with him, I don't need a woman, or another relationship for that matter...or so I thought.

For a while now, I've been interested in the concept of polyamory, partly because I feel I need more, not just sexually, but another person to share a deeper connection with, who would be considered outside the normal realm of a friend. I never thought that would happen.

In fact, this mess I seem to have created for myself began over a month ago with good intentions, as I know my husband wouldn't be able to share me with another man. A woman maybe...but a man, no.

What happened was I have a friend who has THE worst luck with men, and I decided to post an ad under the Platonic section on Craig's List, where I was searching for an IM/E-mail/Texting male friend only. My ad was apparently very well written and witty that it garnered a # of responses, but only a few stuck out. One in particular. I e-mailed a few, but I got easily bored with them as I can be picky lol. However "K" and I hit it off quite well and instantly bonded, which is odd for him. In fact I thought he may be good for my friend, until I found out he has two sons, a 7 and 9 year old, is divorced, but is in a commited relationship for the past 4 years. My husband knew of my writing "K" and why I was initially doing so, and that I then found out he was already taken. He knows I continue write him, but isn't aware of our IM's. In fact, I've been off of work for several weeks due to an ankle surgery from an injury where I broke my ankle...so it's allowed me to have a lot of time to talk to "K" for like 6+ hours a day, as he works with computers and helps to put out fires so to say...and has time to talk on IM.

I never expected this to happen, but feelings for eachother have developed, and they're mutual. We're pathetically addicted to eachother unfortunately. The only thing is he's afraid to mention me to his girlfriend as she will get jealous and not understand the motive. I can't mention to my husband that this other guy also makes my heart go pitter patter, and that I want him in my life, but want Mike as well. He'd be upset, jealous, and would feel like our relationship was lacking something. I don't think he'd understand, and this is based upon previous converstaions about this before I met "K", that I was only supposed to have as an online friend.

Well now I've got myself in a bigger bind. What "K" and I have, we don't want to lose, but we don't want to lose our present relationships, yet we want only eacother too, meaning, we're not searching for other love interests. 2 for each of us is enough as it is, if that makes sense.

And I think "K" has helped spark the passion with my husband again, which hubby doesn't understand why, but is reaping the benefits. I don't want to be a secret to "K's" girlfriend. I want to be real, but how can we come clean, and should we at this point? We've already met. Our conversation never fizzled. In fact, we made love (essentially cheating on our others), but just laid in eachother's arms, cuddling, conversing, sharing an intimate time like lovers do. But this is NOT about the sex. This started as a friednship first and has blossomed into this thing that might be out of control. He's always on my mind, but so is my hubby, and I don't want to lose him and need him in my life. I feel I have enough love to give both of them, but how can my hubby and his girlfriend know or understand? Should they? I'm so confused. I don't want to give up our happy homes, but I don't want to let him go. I want them both, and I want it accepted as it feels natural. I'm so very confused, and don't want to lose both and end up utterly heartbroken. Help? Please?
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Old 03-09-2013, 08:29 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello Carrie,
Welcome to our forum.

Polyamory is often difficult, but it can be done if everyone involved is willing, and it's usually worth it. The first order of business is to establish 100% honest communication, which, among other things, means that your relationship with "K" can't be kept a secret from your respective partners. You need an exit strategy from the situation as it is. Tell your husband that you have growing feelings for "K," and would like to be in a polyamorous relationship someday, if your husband would be willing. Tell "K" to do likewise with his partner. Do research about poly and keep the conversation going. In the meantime, if you can backpedal in your relationship with "K," do so. Refrain from sex with "K" for now, slow down on the romance in general, ease off on the IM's. If/when you and "K" have a green light from your respective partners, then warm it back up again.

This may not be an easy road to travel, but it's a necessary road to travel if you want this to work in the long run. Polyamory has to be done with the knowledge and consent of all involved. If it isn't, there will be disaster, drama, and heartbreak on the road ahead. You don't want that. Nip it in the bud now by changing your policy to a 100% honesty policy with your husband. Break the news gently, respectfully, but break the news.

I am happy to answer further questions or concerns if you post them here (or direct me to another thread if you start one). I sympathize with the difficult position that you're in, and I know I am placing a tall order in the advice I have given. Sometimes things have to be difficult for awhile before they can get easier.

Glad you could join us, in any case.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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