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  #31  
Old 03-08-2013, 07:06 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Ive been busy the last few days and surprised in the direction the thread has taken since I last posted here.

In regards to the boundary dispute issue. The reason I asked the questions ...
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Have your daughters been informed of the plan ....who they will be staying with, split up or together, etc,etc,.. and why ( meaning the event ) ? And how do they feel about it. Do they feel blown off by their mother in this specific case and or in the last 2 yrs.?
It seems to me that knowing how the actual participants feel about this would be a good barometer. I imagine it could be split between kids and could range from indifference to excitement and happiness staying with friends to absolute dread and depression....and or rejection. If they were both on the front end of the spectrum they may think your being over the top too. Now ...personally I don't care about being the over protective dad so that type of input might get weighted 80/20

Also you've told the girls all about you and your wife's open marriage...they know Doc is one of mommy's BF and Nix was your gF right ?

I was thinking of safety and piece of mind and boundaries vs neurotic bullshit and then I thought doe she/ you have homeowners insurance, car insurance ??? how often do you make claims either ?? It's been 10- 15 yrs for me but yet I would go with out.



Lastly how is coming to the conclusion that poly might not be for him appreciably different then the thread by Matt ( not wanting to share his wife ). The poly part is making him unhappy, time share, etc.

Also I actually remember you writing threads or comments in which you were happy and enjoying your new GF Nix ....many non miserable posts.
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  #32  
Old 03-08-2013, 07:30 PM
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hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Also I actually remember you writing threads or comments in which you were happy and enjoying your new GF Nix ....many non miserable posts.
Nyx broke up with me back in August, just as Vix was starting to travel more and for longer stretches. My posts since then have been intermittent, but consistently pretty miserable . . .

Vix points out, as patiently as she can, that it is hardly a coincidence that my misery started just then.

When I face up to it, I realize how hard it was to lose my relationship with Nyx, for all that I think she had very good reasons for breaking up with me.

Something clicked, though, two days ago, in response to what turns out to be a minor disagreement over travel plans and children. I went through what Vix calls a "thought dump," a process as painful, as disgusting and ultimately as beneficial as lancing a boil.

I'd like to apologize again for inflicting that particular thought dump on this forum.

The fallout has been that the issue with Vix has been more than resolved, I've regained my equilibrium regarding her practicing polyamory, and I've started a new blog thread to explore more carefully and constructively and creatively my own possible practice of polyamory.

In that new blog thread, I have resolved to adhere to the highest standards of non-miserableness.

The point is that something has, very suddenly, turned around in my brain, and I can see possibilities where before I only saw problems and limitations. I can see the strength of my partnership with Vix where before I only saw the (actually very small) disagreements, points of divergence, and unavoidable irritations of living with someone who will continue to insist on being not me.

(That last bit was a joke, in case it didn't come across in text.)

As it happens, Vix and I took the time to spend a marvelous early afternoon in bed together while the girls were off in school. The effect of that is mainly that it will be difficult to focus on those essays that still need to be graded . . .
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  #33  
Old 03-09-2013, 03:49 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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So it went from a boundary dispute to a minor disagreement on travel plans ...so are you saying you were being neurotic and she was right


Glad to here it was resolved and you got laid out of it . Conflict resolution 101.
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  #34  
Old 03-09-2013, 04:33 PM
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hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
So it went from a boundary dispute to a minor disagreement on travel plans ...so are you saying you were being neurotic and she was right


Glad to here it was resolved and you got laid out of it . Conflict resolution 101.
It was still a boundary dispute, really and truly. We renegotiated the boundary. Okay, she basically ceded the point early on - within the first two pages of this thread, I think - and changed her plans for her August trip, which was the one in contention.

There were a lot of other issues brought up in the thread, and other things going on in my head, that served to inflate the importance of the conflict beyond all bounds of sense.

I think the next post on my new blog is going to be about online forums and the escalation of conflict . . . but I'll try not to get carried away.

And, yes, make-up sex can be awfully sweet.

Last edited by hyperskeptic; 03-09-2013 at 04:35 PM.
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  #35  
Old 03-10-2013, 02:35 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Her ceding to you doesn't stop her from thinking your boundaries are neurotic bullshit ...or the disrespect implied by that remark ...it could just mean a case of picking ones battles. Or the cooler 3rd party ( doc ) seeing a break point and storm cloud coming and suggesting a workable alternative.


But I do get what you're saying with having other things in your head giving any particular situation the feel of compounding or boundary creep.
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  #36  
Old 03-10-2013, 02:54 AM
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Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
This is a sign-on-the-dotted line kind of contractual obligation. It's an academic program that ends on date certain, and I have active responsibilities up through the day before I leave.

I suppose, if there were a crisis, I could break the obligation. But what, in all honesty, could I tell the program director about this situation?

"I need to go home early so my wife can go travelling with her boyfriend in Germany . . ."

I'm sure that would go over well.
I understand what you are saying-very well.

But-honestly, I would say,
"I have to leave early because my wife has abandoned my two children alone in the US."

Interestingly I was talking to my husband about this thread today-and he asked what someone else had, "how old are they" and pointed out that he didn't think it was too big of a deal if we left our kids with someone we trusted while we were in Washington (we live in Alaska).
I then pointed out to him-yes but even that is only a 3 hour plane trip away.

This is another country and frankly-no way. I wouldn't do it.
Now I've read the ages, and I still wouldn't do it.

I would be highly ticked off with my spouse for putting me in that position-and I can't say it wouldn't result in some serious consequences to our relationship.

But-at the bottom line-I would go home to my kids.
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  #37  
Old 03-10-2013, 03:01 AM
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I've told her that, since it's my own understanding of my responsibilities that are at stake, I'll just try to be careful to avoid any further conflicts like that raised by going to the UK. If I think it's important for one of us to be available to the kids at all times, I'll just be sure I'm available whenever Vix is not.
This is along the lines of where I was going to begin with-I know I have more stringent parenting expectations than my husband. So I adhere to them, sometimes he does too-but I always do and I always ensure I can. Sometimes, that's a PITA. But-it keeps me from feeling like I have neglected my kids in any manner.

I don't think it's neurotic.
My kids have a GREAT deal of freedom and independence. To the point where I am often accused of not being protective enough of them.
But across the ocean-the list of potential issues that could arise-and the consequences of one of you not being present...
are they worth it?
To me, no.

It's not a matter of thinking "omg they will happen".
It's accepting that reality is shit happens and we can't always predict it and some things aren't worth risking.

Neurotic would be freaking out because you "just know" something terrible will happen if you aren't there.
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  #38  
Old 03-10-2013, 03:07 AM
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It's curious to me how quick people on this forum are to suggest pulling the plug on long-term relationships. This is the second such suggestion I received yesterday.

To be frank, it's one of the least admirable aspects of polyamory, and is the aspect of the would-be community here that makes me think monogamy might really be the better way to go.
To be honest-and I am very much a natural poly-I completely agree.
It's one of my frustrations.

I don't think that terminating the relationship is the best or only answer at all.
I admire your effort to not put all of the blame on her, try to find a solution that doesn't leave you feeling neglecting of your own expectations as a parent and finally-your willingness to contemplate imaginative solutions.

As someone who really needs to move-because where we live is deteriorating my health-I can empathize with that issue on your wife's part.
I spend as much time as possible away from Alaska in the cold. It's somewhat easier in that my kids are home schooled, so I can take them with me and educate them from any location (hauling books can be a nightmare though).
However, it seems that it might be a good idea to find a family priority on moving so that you can remain a cohesive family unit while also preserving her health?
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  #39  
Old 03-10-2013, 03:13 AM
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
but when someone's at the point you're at, when their partnership isn't what they thought it was, maybe never was, when they're feeling hurt, belittled, unhappy all the time, and not just for a brief bumpy period or around something that can be resolved with some hard conversations and compromise, but in an ongoing sustained way and around fundamental core values... well, I think splitting up is a very valid option to consider.
I agree it's important to be willing to step away when it's clearly not viable.
But, at what point is that?
Because frankly, it took 3 years of HELL before we found our stability in our poly dynamic and that was after a number of years of ridiculous drama brought on by ex's, custody battles and me trying to be mono when I'm not.

Now-we've finally found that place we knew all along could exist.

So, I find it a struggle when people suggest that something is clearly impossible-because it's been difficult for a couple of years.

It's more useful to me to consider-
what steps have been considered?
what efforts made on each person's part?
Are both people still working towards something more sustainable?
Are you on the right road-but just not "there" yet or are you on a completely different road?
What has helped?
What is hindering progress?
What is the next step?
Whose going to take it?
When does it start?
What is the 1 month goal?
3 month?
6 month?
1 year?
3 year?
5 year?
10 year?

Then you can at least begin to identify if it is pointless or no.
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