Poly or monogamous in a poly relationship?

[Bella]

Well I guess this will be my first official post, well, other than my post in the introductions thread.

I've identified as monogamous for all of my adult life and have only recently begun to really learn about polyamory. I met and fell very deeply in love with a man who has long identified himself as polyamorous. He has been been married for over 10 years and both he and his wife are involved in relationships outside their marriage. I have met his wife and have complete respect and admiration for her and, of course, she is aware of our relationship.

I struggle with identifying myself as polyamorous because at this point in my life, I really don't want to have any additional relationships with anyone but him. I will admit that the thought crosses my mind when I am missing him, feeling lonely and wishing we were together or when the green eyed monster crosses my path. But once those moments pass, I find that I don't want to get involved with anyone else.

Does anyone else struggle with this same thing?

[CielDuMatin]

Yes, quite a few people do. The "polymono" configuration is not uncommon in poly circles. I am the "poly" part in a polymono relationship, so am fairly familiar with the issues and understand how it can be a bit daunting.

I'm not sure if you are familiar with the writings of Franklin Veaux but I think he writes some excellent articles on polyamory in general. In this case he has one called "Polyamory for the Monogamous" and it can be found at http://www.xeromag.com/fvmonopoly_existing.html

He lays out some very good "points to ponder" about the subject, in my opinion. Hope this helps you too!

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Bella

I struggle with identifying myself as polyamorous because at this point in my life, I really don't want to have any additional relationships with anyone but him. I will admit that the thought crosses my mind when I am missing him, feeling lonely and wishing we were together or when the green eyed monster crosses my path. But once those moments pass, I find that I don't want to get involved with anyone else.

Does anyone else struggle with this same thing?

The only time I considered trying poly was early in my relationship. It was not for good reasons though. It would have been used as a tool to desensitize myself to how I look at sex or water down the depth of relationship I have with Redpepper. I am pretty certain that I would not even be on this forum if I had of used that as a coping method. I could see how a mono partner could try poly to distract themselves or even worse, "show them how it feels".

So the question becomes one of what your heart in times of peace tells you. Perhaps you are poly, perhaps you aren't....good luck on your journey of discovery.

Peace and Love
Mono

[DrunkenPorcupine]

I struggle with identifying myself as polyamorous because at this point in my life, I really don't want to have any additional relationships with anyone but him.

Polyamory, at least to me, is a mind-word. I don't know who to explain the concept exactly. My brain doesn't work with "words", it works with concepts, memories, experiences and all that stuff. So when I say "I am thinking about Bella" I'm actually thinking about all of the things that I know about you. All of your posts, your choice in avatars, your signature, how you've related to folks on the forums, et cetera.

Maybe this is a topic for a new thread, but I've learned that not everybody thinks in this interconnected, web of thoughts.

When I "became" poly, it wasn't a grand revelation. It was almost the opposite, a letting go of the confines of everything else I held about relationships.

When I say "I am polyamorous" it means that I don't feel restricted by traditional relationship boundaries and defintions. I would call you polyamorous in my mind because you're open to the possibility of multiple relationships and loving multiple people. Not everyone here would agree with that assessment.

And the cool things, it doesn't matter. You don't need to be poly, or mono, or something else to just "be". You're who you are, and who you relate to, without any defintitions at all.

But once those moments pass, I find that I don't want to get involved with anyone else.

Does anyone else struggle with this same thing?

No, but I think I have something similar. I've never thought of myself as "mono". I've always assumed I might meet someoen I loved. What my limit was though, was hurting my wife whom I already was in love with.

Now that I can form relationships without hurting her, I've found some vestiges of my monogamy in me. Like... If I have a "crush" on someone who is in a relationship, I've found that I sometimes hope that they break up. It's a first instinct, like a "this will clear the way for me". I know in many levels that this is wrong. "Break ups" are hard, and it would be hard on someone I love and I don't want that. Also, there's no reason why our relationship can't continue to grow while someone else's is functional, but I still have those moments.

It's why I am thankful for being a logical, as well as emotive, person. The fact that I think something or react instinctively doesn't mean that I need to wish pain upon people. It doesn't mean I need to see good things falter before I can build other good things.

Go forward with love and respect. I don't think you can go wrong there, whatever fleeting feelings you might have now and then.

[StitchwitchD]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

The only time I considered trying poly was early in my relationship. It was not for good reasons though. It would have been used as a tool to desensitize myself to how I look at sex or water down the depth of relationship I have with Redpepper. I am pretty certain that I would not even be on this forum if I had of used that as a coping method. I could see how a mono partner could try poly to distract themselves or even worse, "show them how it feels".

Yeah, immediately after getting involved with a very close friend who is in an open marriage, and being scared that I already loved him too much and that I was going to fall for him really hard and everyone would freak out and it'd be a total trainwreck....So, I started screwing another friend who is a swinger and hot to distract me- and because it just seemed like if both me and her didn't occasionally have sex with some other guy, then we might as well be FLDS. And then as she became more uncomfortable with the involvement, I kept trying harder to find other partners, but it tore me up because I felt like I'd be settling for someone just to make everyone else happy that I had a man of my own....
Then after I'd taken a break from him to give her time to work through things, I met someone cute and nice and fun and in a healthy poly marriage... Which is a good thing, and made everyone happy, but it's not like it doesn't still hurt that it seems she will never be happy with poly.
She said she felt a little less guilty about it when I hooked up with cute poly boy, but that kind of seems like someone feeling less guilty about torturing your eldest child to death because hey, your new baby is healthy!

[MonoVCPHG]

It's interesting how the mind/heart can look for a way to achieve something even if it makes no sense when you look back at it. I would have sealed our fate if I forced myself into that. Instead I held on and found ways to achieve a balance without going against my nature.

[Bella]

CielDuMatin, thank you so much for the link to Franklin Veaux's site. I think somewhere in my mind I felt that I had to label myself as poly even when I'm still trying to sort out if I am. The writing you posted definitely did give me a lot of food for thought and made me realize that with all the challenges in my relationship, that we are doing the things we need to in order to make it work as best as it can. It's so comforting to know I'm not alone!

MonoVCPHG, I've definitely struggled with those thoughts. Nights are most difficult, especially after my boyfriend has left and I know that I likely will not see him for a few days. Those are the times when I can sometimes find myself thinking that if I just had someone laying in bed with me, I wouldn't feel so lonely without my boyfriend. And then I realize that it definitely would be for all the wrong reasons and thankfully have never acted on those feelings. Thank you for reminding me to look into my heart in those times when I feel at peace - those tend to be the times when we're together.

DrunkenPorcupine, your post really brings home to me that every relationship needs to be defined by it's own terms and what works for those involved. I think the times when I start to doubt the most or worry the most is when I get hung up on terminology - primary vs. secondary, poly vs. mono. That's definitely something I need to work on as I know it doesn't benefit me, my boyfriend, or our relationship.

[GroundedSpirit]

Originally Posted by DrunkenPorcupine

When I say "I am polyamorous" it means that I don't feel restricted by traditional relationship boundaries and defintions. I would call you polyamorous in my mind because you're open to the possibility of multiple relationships and loving multiple people. Not everyone here would agree with that assessment.

Go forward with love and respect. I don't think you can go wrong there, whatever fleeting feelings you might have now and then.

I think this was an excellent view.
At least on here - I see a lot of good people getting frequently all tangled up in terminology & labels. That often complicates things that should be simpler.
The point is, you've been exposed to a non-traditional way of thinking & living and seen some of it's potential for success. You're simply in a better place for that knowledge. It may or may not open wonderful options for you in life that you would have otherwise missed. Wonderful !
But in the same manner - there's no requirement or expectation for YOU (or there shouldn't be) as Porcupine alluded to. Just be who you are and what feels right to you !
It might also be appropriate here to mention another concept that comes up in discussions occasionally. I think of it as a concept of "fullness". There comes a time for all of us that we are just content with what we have in our life - and maybe some instinct that anything 'more' would start to cast a shadow. That point is different for everyone - and it seems to vary at different points in our lives -which obviously is one reason that conventional relationships CAN be successful. I say possible but much more rare. Many of us find we want that 'extra' in our lives - i.e. that we don't 'fill' quite as easily. And so - here we are
You'll find that point for yourself but at least now you are fully aware that should you feel you wish 'more', that is a totally valid & workable option.

GS

[glowinthedarkstars]

Bella I am in the exact same place you are talking about with my current partner who is poly. If you ever want to talk message me =)
I consider myself to be in a poly relationship even though i am new to polyamory because my partner is poly and i am open to it, and sometimes wish i could have another partner, but again, I am satisfied with just having one. This place is a great resource, it can be really confusing, I am new to this too and find myself getting tangled up in termonology or questioning if what I feel is right or "normal" but ive come to find anything you feel is in fact normal and you will most likely find people who feel or experience the exact same things you do on here. =)

[Bella]

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

I think this was an excellent view.
At least on here - I see a lot of good people getting frequently all tangled up in terminology & labels. That often complicates things that should be simpler.
The point is, you've been exposed to a non-traditional way of thinking & living and seen some of it's potential for success. You're simply in a better place for that knowledge. It may or may not open wonderful options for you in life that you would have otherwise missed. Wonderful !
But in the same manner - there's no requirement or expectation for YOU (or there shouldn't be) as Porcupine alluded to. Just be who you are and what feels right to you !
It might also be appropriate here to mention another concept that comes up in discussions occasionally. I think of it as a concept of "fullness". There comes a time for all of us that we are just content with what we have in our life - and maybe some instinct that anything 'more' would start to cast a shadow. That point is different for everyone - and it seems to vary at different points in our lives -which obviously is one reason that conventional relationships CAN be successful. I say possible but much more rare. Many of us find we want that 'extra' in our lives - i.e. that we don't 'fill' quite as easily. And so - here we are
You'll find that point for yourself but at least now you are fully aware that should you feel you wish 'more', that is a totally valid & workable option.

GS

The more I've thought about this the past couple of days, the more I'm realizing how wrapped up I tend to get in all the labels. I think somewhere in my mind I felt like I had to be or become poly since my boyfriend is. And to some I would be considered his "secondary"; identifying myself that way came with an open invitation for all my insecurities to rise to the surface, sometimes with an amazing amount of force.

I think, going forward, one task I need to set for myself is to not focus on labeling my relationship.

~Bella