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  #61  
Old 03-08-2013, 04:15 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I know, sigh.

But 12/13 years... I just had a 10/13 year anniversary with my Spouse (10 married, 13 together) and this type of story of yours is exactly what I wonder about: will i wake up one day and find out my partner is not the person I thought they were?

I have quite a few friends who are going through this. People who have been together for YEARS, suddenly their partner becomes this stranger in their life. It can be anything from finding out they never liked your cooking or your favorite sexual position but only went along with it to please you, to full-blown domestic violence involving restraining orders and child-custody battles... But It makes me look at my two partners and go, "Are you next?" (we don't have kids but it doesn't have to be about kids - I have cats and it's always in the back of my mind that Spouse will get tired of the mess and the allergies and move out because of the cats... at least their other partner has dogs and Spouse is also allergic to dogs, so it isn't like they can just run to their other partner to escape, LOL). I wonder if my fabulous spouse is going to turn into some kind of monster and beat the shit out of me for no reason... This CAN happen, it DOES happen, and if it can happen to other people, it can happen to me.


That's why I write these things on this thread. It has mostly to do with me and not so much to do with the OP's relationship. But getting answers as to what the underlying causes are gives me some hope that maybe maybe my relationship WON'T end that way.
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  #62  
Old 03-08-2013, 05:03 PM
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I know, sigh.

But 12/13 years... I just had a 10/13 year anniversary with my Spouse (10 married, 13 together) and this type of story of yours is exactly what I wonder about: will i wake up one day and find out my partner is not the person I thought they were?
BG, would it help to say that in every case where I've personally seen it happen (anecdotal, I know), that it was due to a lack of communication that went on far too long for it to be fixable?

It was that way in my own marriage (17 years married, 22 years together). He wanted me to be something I wasn't, and I buried myself for far too long. We rarely talked, and in fact, while I was trying to pick up the pieces of our marriage and told him that I wanted us to talk - to be friends again, he said, "We never needed to talk before; why do we need to start now?"

Ugh.

Same thing in this case - a (bad) lack of communication caused this blowup, and now they're picking up the pieces.

If you communicate honestly, if you talk to death, if you don't bury your feelings, well... it's no guarantee it won't happen, but hell - you're in a better spot than I was. You've got that going for you. That and an acerbic wit.
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  #63  
Old 03-08-2013, 05:16 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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If you communicate honestly, if you talk to death, if you don't bury your feelings, well... it's no guarantee it won't happen, but hell - you're in a better spot than I was. You've got that going for you. That and an acerbic wit.
LOL, "talking to death" isn't exactly good either. I understand what you mean - talk about what's on your mind - but some people talk too much and think that running their mouth constantly means they're "communicating".
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  #64  
Old 03-08-2013, 05:16 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Well, happy belated anniversary to you all. I wish you all many more years of success.

It's such a tricky thing when dealing with human emotions and varying personalities. You're right. Sometimes people just wake up and it dawns on them that, "Wait a second. I never liked your perfume or cologne. I never liked your cooking. I never liked your mother. I dislike the color of your hair." You hope that never happens, but when it does, it's like what the hell is going on? I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone having a glass of wine with Rod Serling and insanity is happening around me. That perfectly sums up how I feel right now!

I, too, have seen it happen to others, but I guess I never saw it coming our way. We've seen some of our best friends who had seemingly happy marriages, wake up one day and decide, "On second thought, I don't want to be married anymore." It's like a mid-life crisis of the head and the heart at the same time or a split personality that's deciding to pay a visit? I'm just wondering what makes people wake up and have entirely different desires, and what makes them realize that what they've been living with all this time isn't what they truly wanted ? Did something happen in a dream that felt like a premonition? It's special.

That's what I'm trying to figure out with Matt. Did he just wake up and realize, "Uhh yeah. This ain't working, so something needs to be done." They were getting along just fine until like I said mid-end January. His attitude changed and there was a shift. Was there an under the table personality transplant? Each step has become even more puzzling than one before, it went from, "We're a triad," to "Poly's not for me," to "I don't want to be part of a poly family," to where we are now, which is, "I don't wish to acknowledge her existence or even take notice of her."

Lol. That's hilarious about the pets. I would hope there would be signs leading up to that, and your respective spouses wouldn't be like, "Omg. That's it. I have to get out of here. I'm so over these cats being here. I just can't take it anymore!"
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  #65  
Old 03-08-2013, 05:32 PM
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LOL, "talking to death" isn't exactly good either. I understand what you mean - talk about what's on your mind - but some people talk too much and think that running their mouth constantly means they're "communicating".
LOL, too true. Talking AT someone is not the same as talking WITH someone.
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  #66  
Old 03-08-2013, 05:35 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I hate to admit this, but when people talk TOO much, I sort of stop listening, and what I hear sounds like the voice on Charlie Brown. I'll say the occasional yeah, right, or mmm-k. I tell people in advance just spit it out and stop trying to take the long way around. Lay out the facts, so we can discuss it before I reach retirement age.
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  #67  
Old 03-08-2013, 05:37 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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That's what I'm trying to figure out with Matt. Did he just wake up and realize, "Uhh yeah. This ain't working, so something needs to be done." They were getting along just fine until like I said mid-end January. His attitude changed and there was a shift. Was there an under the table personality transplant? Each step has become even more puzzling than one before, it went from, "We're a triad," to "Poly's not for me," to "I don't want to be part of a poly family," to where we are now, which is, "I don't wish to acknowledge her existence or even take notice of her."
Yeah, that's the thing I was fascinated by a couple pages back where he was all "I invited her to stay for dinner assuming she would decline because I was only doing it to be nice" to "nothing get the message across like the police showing up". Then he was all, "no no I didn't mean it THAT way", but it seems like he really DID mean it "that way", but didn't want to say the words, instead says the exact opposite. How does one exist when the information they are supposed to use to make decisions is inaccurate? It's like that man-woman thing where the guy asks "what's wrong?" and the woman says "nothing", and the guy drops the subject, taking "nothing" as face-value and truthful, when the woman REALLY means that something IS wrong and wants the guy to ask more questions because she didn't MEAN "nothing", she just ASSUMED that the guy wouldn't stop asking at "nothing" because persistence shows that he really cares, or whatever. Of course, this is not a "man-woman/woman-man" thing, but I'm guessing that most people reading this have come across the "what's wrong? / nothing" Q&A at least once in their experience.

"Nothing" means "if you really love me, you'd prove it by second-guessing everything I say". Pfeh.

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Lol. That's hilarious about the pets. I would hope there would be signs leading up to that, and your respective spouses wouldn't be like, "Omg. That's it. I have to get out of here. I'm so over these cats being here. I just can't take it anymore!"
On the flip-side of that, my Other Partner is very much a cat-person, but doesn't like living with other people.
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  #68  
Old 03-08-2013, 05:40 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I hate to admit this, but when people talk TOO much, I sort of stop listening, and what I hear sounds like the voice on Charlie Brown. I'll say the occasional yeah, right, or mmm-k. I tell people in advance just spit it out and stop trying to take the long way around. Lay out the facts, so we can discuss it before I reach retirement age.
With my Spouse, it's more like Homer Simpson, when Marge is telling him something "important" and he's got this glazed expression on his face like, "mmmmm. Donuts."
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  #69  
Old 03-08-2013, 05:45 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I'm soooo bad about saying, "No, nothing's wrong. I'm fine." Then, I'll wake him up at 3 in the morning, so we can talk about what "wasn't" wrong 12 hours ago.

I think the same is happening now only it's months later, and it's like that original yes, no, I'm fine, or extension of an invite to dinner, really meant no or yes, but I wanted you to pick up on that or read between the lines. Subliminal messages. I think we'd have better luck with the morse code. And people say women are complicated! Ha.
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Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3.5) children.
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  #70  
Old 03-08-2013, 06:43 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I think we'd have better luck with the morse code. And people say women are complicated! Ha.
HA! Yep, morse code would be much easier.

In my house, I was the one being tuned out, so when we finally entered counceling, he was "shocked" at some of the things I had to say. *palm to forehead*, I'd only been telling him the same stuff for 5+ years. Keep up the counceling and go often, it can make a world of difference.
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