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  #11  
Old 03-08-2013, 05:06 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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The best advice I would give you is to read as much as you can on this forum. How to cope with jealousy is a main theme--and it IS possible to cope with it and overcome it.

It sounds like you are open to the idea of alternatives to monogamy, but are struggling with the reality of seeing your boyfriend also love other people.

It also sounds like you are young (which isn't a bad thing at all!) and that you will learn more about life and love as you go. Saying that your boyfriend is "the best thing that ever happened to you" is how young-ish people often describe love and relationships. I know that's how I felt when I was 20. But now that I'm 30, I feel like I have a lot more control over love & relationships. Meeting someone great isn't just something that "happens to me." It's within my power to create my own "best things" in my life.

I know you feel like you are mono, but I would actually suggest you date other people to see what works for you. You can keep dating your poly boyfriend...I'm not saying you should break up with him. I'm saying you should actively try to meet other people--mono people, poly people, and everything in between--to gain more perspective on whether you will truly be happy in a poly relationship long-term, or whether the world is full of great guys who can provide a different type of relationship that might suit you better.

I have found that liking more than one man gave me a clearer understanding of how to move past feelings of jealousy. I can like two people and once and it doesn't mean I like one less; so surely my partner can, too.

Also, your parents and your friends' parents might not be the best gauge for the success of monogamy--your sampling pool would be people with kids circa age 20, right? As you continue to experience life, you will meet people of all ages and relationship styles.
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  #12  
Old 03-08-2013, 06:18 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
What I really need is some guidance, in the way of how to deal with such a transition of mind set. How to learn to cope, understand and then eventually get rid of the jealousy that comes along with this lifestyle.
Ok. Thanks for clarfying. How about this...

Changing Core Beliefs:
http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/wr...lsebeliefs.htm

Self Respect Vs Self esteem
http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/selfrespect.htm

Jealousy Management

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/P.../jealousy.html
http://www.morethantwo.com/jealousy-insecurity.html
http://www.serolynne.com/poly_jealousy.htm

Esp the first one with page 5 and 6 things you and your BF could do.

And don't forget to avoid pitfalls:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im..._Polyamory.pdf

But keep in mind if you are going against fundamental grain here within yourself -- if you try again, test your core beliefs/values and continue to find you are just not cut out for it and just do not want to be living in polyship because you value monoshipping (neither is wrong), you are prepared to accept you and BF have different core values WHEN? Could mark a date. This cannot be the endless experiment!

You sound like you could be at the place of

"I have already tried for THIS long. First experiment results are found unsatisfactory. Unsure if I am still willing to keep on going for more if results are more of same. Also unwilling to face breaking up emotions and face loss and grief transitioning emotions in order to open self to new possibilites in romance department.

Willing read and research to help me determine if I want to try it on one more time with changes in my emotional management and see if I can cope better for _______ amount of time. If at the end of that time I am not feeling better, then I will _______. "

Is that where it is now? How would you fill in the blanks?

Because if it just isn't a runner in the end it isn't a runner in the end. When's the end of your dating experiment? You can't go on forever here in unhappy land.

How much time is a reasonable, rational amount of time for you to be in the "I'm finding out" place before the return is no longer worth the investment?

Those are things you could consider too as you soul search and make the reasonable, rational plan here that serves your self respect and long term health and well being. I hope things go well for you as you learn to better define and meet your own values, beliefs, wants, needs, and personal limits.
GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-08-2013 at 06:28 AM.
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advice needed, help sought, mono jealousy, mono poly dating nature, mono programming

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