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  #11  
Old 03-05-2013, 07:06 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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I quite like to deal with fears by breaking them down as much as possible to make them more manageable. So - if I was scared that I might leave my partner if things got tough and I had other partners, I might concentrate on being sure that I remained there for friends and family when things get tough.

Practise not leaving people until I had lots of experiences to fall back on that would help me to believe for good reason that I was capable of keeping relationships going through tough times even though I had other, easier ones open to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lemondrops View Post
My fear is that in a poly relationship everyone feels like in a competition all the time and all nice acts are not based fully on love but fear. I'll give an example.

When A wants a cake and is at B's place at the time, then B might feel pressured into baking it, because hey, if B said "Oh, I'm not really in the mood for baking right now", then A could be all, "Oh, okay, but I want a cake, so do you want me to go to C's or D's place?" and then to avoid all this, B would just start making the cake out of fear that otherwise someone else would do it and A would just leave.
That sort of thing isn't really a poly issue at all, though. It's about how you choose to allocate your time. If I am with my friend, E, who loves shopping and she suggests we go shopping, I might say "No thanks, I don't fancy shopping just now - I have some writing to get on with anyway."

E might head off shopping with C or with M - that's good for all of us. I get to avoid shopping and E gets some company.

Or I might say to E, "I'm not in the mood for shopping, do you fancy a coffee and a chat instead." E might then join me for a coffee and a chat or she might say that she needs to go shopping and suggest we catch up for coffee and a chat later. Either way things are fine. I either have coffee with E or if she doesn't want to, I might ring P, A or G and see if any of them are free for coffee and a chat.

Or I might decide that although I don't really fancy shopping, I do really want to spend some time with E and I'm not that bothered about what I do so I might say "Grand. I'll come shopping with you - a bit of a wander around and a chat is just what I need." I regularly do this with my friend, E. Not because I'm scared of losing anything if I don't but because I love E - she's very special to me. I know how much she loves shopping and that her spare time is much more limited than mine so I'm happy to spend time doing something that isn't totally my thing so that she can spend her time doing something she likes.

I don't see myself in competition with any of E's other friends even if she does spend time with them that she could spend with me.

IP
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  #12  
Old 03-05-2013, 08:05 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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CAKE EXAMPLE:

B could say "I hear your want for cake. I am not willing to meet your cake want at this time. You could go get it at the grocery story or you could bake it. Or there are cookies if you want to change the dessert to something that is to hand."

Why is B afraid of conflict resolution and negotiation from fear of abandonment? Rather than make cake as short term solution, B could work on overcoming fear of abandonment for long term inner peace.

BIKE EXAMPLE:

C could offer compromise of "Let's bike tomorrow" in a polyship if they do not want to bike today with A. There is compromising in polyshipping. Why the belief that there isn't?

Quote:
Basically what I am trying to say is that in a poly relationship the one who needs or wants the other more at a certain time, suffers, because they would have to do things to have the other stay with them (because that's what they want).
If that is why this person entered into polyshipping? They only "agreed" because they were afraid to "lose" the partner? This person is reaping what they have sown. They did not go into it with full willingness, full joy, and entering into something that is good for their mental and emotional health. Buyer beware. They could have been more responsible for their OWN well being.

This person could choose at this point to break up and leave all this crazy making stuff and accept they are just not poly compatible. And go work on themselves.

Or this theoretical person could work on themselves with the goal to be in healthy polyship. Work their own approval and self-validation and do the work required -- not for the partner. But for THEMSELVES because they want to be in healthy polyship FOR THEMSELVES.

When they "give away" self approval and self-validation to the other guy and expect the other guy to dole it out? They want to be approved from EXTERNAL validation sources like other people. So they always fret about the other people "leaving" because that "takes away" their validation source. They will be left floating with no anchor. Scary to feel.

If they learn to approve and validate THEMSELVES, they could become more secure because their "validator" is now an INTERNAL validator and always handy. Whether or not the other person is around. THEY own their internal self-validation -- and can tell themselves any time they need the boost "I am a good person. I am good enough. I am going to be ok. I have dignity, worth and value." and self soothe.

They could choose to not make self-esteem do the work of self-respect. When they do that? They run out of self-esteem real fast and struggle. The solution is to STOP doing less than self-respecting behavior -- like making cake when they do not want to. Like not biking when they do not want to. Why treat themselves as "less than" like their own self wants and needs are not worth considering at all? That leads to poor self esteem. They don't think much of themselves even to meet their own need to rest from cake baking or biking.

When they treat themselves with self-respect, they hold themselves in good esteem and consideration. Then they feel better and their esteem meter increases. They become more secure in themselves.

Quote:
...and not go to other partners because if they happen to have the possibility, why not use it?
Because when A wants to spend time with B, the only person who can deliver "B type company" is B. So A will be with B to enjoy being with B. People are unique and enjoyable how they are. They are not interchangeable or disposable.

People are PEOPLE. Not things like paper towels.

HTH
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-05-2013 at 08:28 PM.
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  #13  
Old 03-05-2013, 08:21 PM
ManofDiscovery ManofDiscovery is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
CAKE EXAMPLE:
"I see your want for cake.
Mmmmmm....cake.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I am not willing to meet your cake want at this time.
Damn you!! You tease me.
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  #14  
Old 03-05-2013, 08:29 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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LOL.

Cake! Cake-ness for all!

GG
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  #15  
Old 03-05-2013, 08:30 PM
ManofDiscovery ManofDiscovery is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
LOL.

Cake! Cake-ness for all!

GG
That's better...I do like a compliant girl

Have a gold star and go to the top of the class.
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  #16  
Old 03-05-2013, 09:13 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Am i the only one here who sees their relationships as more than just the sum of the recreational activities they participate in?

What is important is that when you DO spend time together, you don't spend the whole time talking about why you don't spend enough time together.
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  #17  
Old 03-06-2013, 02:32 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I see that too. Like... "Just be together already!"

I figured the main focus thing was those B and C people learning to articulate. The HOW to be able to stop fretting so they can just be together already.

To me - most of "poly hooha" is so rarely about "the polyshipping" and seems to be more about the "interpersonal skills and compatability" of the players.

When having to be exercising those skills more because there's more people to use them on?

It suddenly shows REALLY FAST what areas are strengths and what areas are weaknesses. C'est la vie.

Galagirl
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  #18  
Old 03-06-2013, 05:59 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lemondrops View Post
. . . B would just start making the cake out of fear that otherwise someone else would do it and A would just leave.

. . . C would feel pressured into going, because hey, otherwise A will just leave . . .
BUT what's wrong with someone leaving if that is what they want to do?

Another option is to invite C and D over to have cake with A and B. And C goes cycling alone and comes back. So many more options.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #19  
Old 03-06-2013, 02:32 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
BUT what's wrong with someone leaving if that is what they want to do?

Another option is to invite C and D over to have cake with A and B. And C goes cycling alone and comes back. So many more options.


My whole take on this anxiety attack is, why are you with someone if you have to pretend to be interested in things you don't care for just to keep them in the same room with you? Doesn't sound like much fun and i'd probably still leave once i realized you're not really into it. But if you are such a wonderful person that we want to be together, we'll be together no matter how many hobbies or activities we do separately.

I see how the person who said these things is worried, but it really makes no sense at all and sounds more like a symptom of generalized anxiety. I sometimes have that problem too, but i have taught myself to recognize the difference between my imagination and observation of things that take place outside of my mind.
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  #20  
Old 03-07-2013, 08:52 PM
lemondrops lemondrops is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
BUT what's wrong with someone leaving if that is what they want to do?

Another option is to invite C and D over to have cake with A and B. And C goes cycling alone and comes back. So many more options.
What is wrong with A leaving is that this was supposed to be A and B's time together, but yeah, you all are probably right. I guess people wouldn't be such jerks to leave just because someone didn't make them a cake.

It is all probably rooted in a fear of abandonment, not very logical, but based on the fact that "if he has so many, why would he be with me unless I do everything he wants". Not a normal relationship, yes and NOTHING like what we have now. So no, I haven't experienced anything like that, but I sure as hell don't want to. I feel that what you all are saying is right, but unfortunately I don't understand it 100%, I still feel there would be competitiveness and feelings would get hurt because of that.

But what caught my eye and calmed me was that someone said (sorry, forgot to click the quote button) that no one could give what B gives, that only B can give time that is full of B-ness. That idea I like. That makes everyone special without competition.
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