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  #11  
Old 03-07-2013, 07:28 PM
Eth76 Eth76 is offline
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They say a child brings a couple closer together. In their case, that was very much true. To see the three of them together was very hard for me, I was very unhappy, but I did not show it, I did not want to spoil their happiness, so I just made myself as absent as I could.

I was absent from our marriage for two years. Twice I left, and twice she begged me to come back! Why? I was very unsure about my role within my own life, but could not bring myself not to go back when she asked. I was a mess.
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  #12  
Old 03-07-2013, 07:30 PM
Eth76 Eth76 is offline
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When I was at my lowest ebb, she made a huge effort to reconnect with me and drew me closer to her, and slowly, we did. It was good again, but not the same, and it never really has been! I started to build a strong bond with Harry. She went back to work, and because I am my own boss, I was able to help out with the child because I have a lot more free time than they do.

Harry is four now, he is a beautiful loving boy, and a real personality. I love him very much, and we are very tight. I do as much for him in his day to day life as anyone does, and my wife and Alex have done everything they can to include me in every aspect of his life. Harry knows who his Dad is though, and as he gets older, what is he going to think I am?
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  #13  
Old 03-07-2013, 08:02 PM
Eth76 Eth76 is offline
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The hardest part of this for me is that my wife has recently told me that she now intends to have another child, and that THEY have decided that it would be better for Alex to be the Father again. They have told me that THEY have been agonising over this for months, but THEY have now made the decision that they want Harry to have a brother or sister, and not a half brother or sister.

I reminded her of the promise that she made me, and she has told me how sorry she is, and how she knows how much this will hurt me, and yet.........

I don't think she does know just how much this kills me. The sense of rejection and upset that I feel is hard to describe. I very much wanted to be a Father. I very much wanted to have a child with her.

I have left, and again she is begging me to go back. Again she is telling me how much she loves me. Why, what for?
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  #14  
Old 03-07-2013, 08:06 PM
Eth76 Eth76 is offline
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I am 36 now, we have been together for 15 years, and married for twelve, and even when I try, I cannot see a future for us, it gets me down! When I think of a fresh start somewhere new, without her, I feel like a weight will be lifted from my shoulders, and I get a huge sense of relief! At the same time......I am still so in love with her, I miss her very much, and I miss the kid. I am in two minds as to what I will do.

I don't know!
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  #15  
Old 03-07-2013, 08:30 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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My goodness! That's a lot!

Quote:
I have left, and again she is begging me to go back. Again she is telling me how much she loves me. Why, what for?
And your answer could be something like...
"That's appreciated -- thank you. I am glad you love me. I love you too. But it is time to accept that the romance here is over so we no longer share consummate love. This is a companionate love -- friend love now.

I am better in the role of "close family friend" or "uncle" or "godfather" for the children, you and Alex. Those I am willing to be still if you allow me. (Only say that bit if you really are willing.)

But I am not returning to this polyship as "husband." I need a divorce because I cannot see a romantic future for us where my wants, needs, and limits are met. When I think of a fresh romance start somewhere new, without you in the role of my wife, I feel like a weight will be lifted from my shoulders, and I get a huge sense of relief. I need to be free to pursue that romantic happiness elsewhere. My wants, needs, and limits for romance are not met here. Let's accept it.

You are planning to have a child by Alex again, so this husband role ought to be his. He is the father. He ought to be the recognize legal spouse with the kids on his insurance, taxes, etc. Give him and you the opportunity to enjoy consummate love in a recognized legal marriage with the benefits a legal marriage can bring you and the children. That's nothing to sneeze at.

Let's talk honestly and align ourselves to the roles we actually play here rather than carry on all awry like this.

The grandparents are already upset, it's causing me pain, it cannot be good for the kids to see the adults in their world all a twitter. Let's correct this now while they are young, can adapt more easily, and give ALL of us a chance to find the new happy medium shape here for this family where ALL can exist harmoniously and ALL people's wants, needs, and limits are being honored."
Could that help?

You got this far by sweeping stuff under the rug so long it's like a huge elephant now. Break it down, sort it out, and clean house. Start anew as you intend to proceed from here on out.

Because it is not just you adults in here any more. There are children watching your every move. What do you want to model for them in relationshipping?
  • Honesty? Being forthright? Solving problems in a sane way?
  • Or groom them to be easy pickings for abusive partners down the road because they learned how to be "avoidy let it slideys" or "put up with things silently and disregard my own well being" types?

I know that can sound harsh, and I do not intend for it too. But this is IMPORTANT. It may not feel URGENT because they are so small, but it is important to the children's future adult well being to have good interpersonal skills and learn them at home so they do not suffer these kinds of things that you have had to suffer before you learned your skills.

I've been dealing with 2 women friends who left abusive husbands -- both of them did not have the skills to spot them for creepies til it was much too late. Then it became all the harder to leave safely and without retaliation from the abuser -- domestic violence, death threats and murder is sadly not unheard of when leaving. The leaving time is a dangerous time. The best is to be able to spot the creepier and NOT get mixed up with them to begin with. Do not groom the children to be easy pickings later, I urge you. Balance trust with caution.

You sound like you want to be free of this marriage - so love her and end it and keep on loving her as your friend and ex wife. Perhaps godparent to the kids. Sometimes the most loving thing one can do is to be FIRM of purpose. Give the gift of a hard limit. This is DONE. Time to move on to a new shape.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one. Love hard. Play well.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-07-2013 at 08:45 PM.
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  #16  
Old 03-09-2013, 12:35 AM
Eth76 Eth76 is offline
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@Galagirl...... What my wife & I have is more than compassionate friendly love, although at times I have questioned that. We were still being intimate with each other before I left, although Alex has been the dominant sexual partner for some time.I do believe that she does love me though, why else would she be crying down the phone, asking me to go back. She could easily just be with Alex, there is nothing to prevent it, but she says that she does not want that.

I believe she loves us both, but him more than me. She has no problem with me seeing others, but she would have a huge problem if he did the same. The one time he did, she was distraught!

I do love her, but I need to let her go now, not just for me, but for them as you suggest. Tough love! I think that she can cope without my love, but not without his. This thing with her wanting another child by him, and breaking her promise too have one by me has brought the situation to a head. We can't go forward because of it!

Time to let go!
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  #17  
Old 03-09-2013, 12:46 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eth76 View Post
I do love her, but I need to let her go now, not just for me, but for them as you suggest. Tough love! I think that she can cope without my love, but not without his. This thing with her wanting another child by him, and breaking her promise too have one by me has brought the situation to a head. We can't go forward because of it!

Time to let go!
I agree. While her words say one thing, her actions are telling something very different.
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  #18  
Old 03-09-2013, 12:50 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Yup. Time to let go. YOU meet your own wants, needs, and limits and put your own oxygen mask on first. End some of those bonds. Stop being lovers, stop being marrieds. If you still want to participate in this family like a family friend /uncle person? Keep conduct in the sister/friend bucket so you can detach from each other romantically more cleanly. You need to be free to find new romance. Simplify life for everyone. Don't be sleeping with your sister. (metaphorically.)

Could give her the gift of a LIMIT reached. YOU end it because she doesn't have the strength to.

She will feel sad. So what? She's already sad. Could stop getting distracted with her WANT to be together (which can no longer be because limit is reached) and listen to her NEED to be free of suffering.

Suffering will end when she's completed the journey though the stages of grief. Don't come back to wear roles that you know do not fit you any more just because she asks you to when she's in the denial/bargaining stage and you feel uncomfortable watching her process through the stages of grief. You are not comfortable NOW. So pick the path that leads to your improved wellness in the long run then.

Giving false hope just to come back HERE again and have to take another running jump through the stages of grief. Ugh. Prolongs her suffering through the Grieving Time because she never gets to FINISH. And why prolong suffering for you? That's not taking care of you.

If you do not know what to say in a stage she happens to be in, say nothing but "I am sorry. I grieve too. I see you grieve. Limit has been reached. It is what it is and it is nobody's fault that grief process just feels... unfun."

Give it the time, and you will ALL make it through. Keep going back to square one? You walk in circles.

Sigh. Hang in there.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-09-2013 at 01:19 AM.
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  #19  
Old 03-09-2013, 01:03 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Leave. It would be one thing if she truly wanted a family with you, and was willing to prove it by keeping her promise. What on earth is wrong with Alex having a half-sibling? What? Nothing at all, except that they're more concerned about building their bond, and have been from the beginning, than with being even a little fair to you.

She has lied to you over and over and over, both of them have, and now they have, together, without your input, made a decision that will have major hurtful consequences to you. You deserve better than this. If they won't respect you, then it's up to you to respect yourself to walk away, or else you will become bitter over time, and poison your own life as well as theirs. You CAN find love with someone new, so many others who have left a long-term relationship have. You're going to be ok.

I'm so sorry. :/
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  #20  
Old 03-10-2013, 01:46 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eth76 View Post
I started to build a strong bond with Harry . . . Harry is four now, he is a beautiful loving boy, and a real personality. I love him very much, and we are very tight. I do as much for him in his day to day life as anyone does, and my wife and Alex have done everything they can to include me in every aspect of his life. Harry knows who his Dad is though, and as he gets older, what is he going to think I am?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eth76 View Post
I am still so in love with her, I miss her very much, and I miss the kid.
You are his second dad, that's all. You are already a dad. That's why you miss him. And he surely misses you.

I think it is quite unfortunate that your wife and her lover have this notion of not wanting a "half" sibling. To a child, a new brother or sister will just be a brother or sister. They would only look at them as "half" anything if the parents tell them to. And it is a pretty shitty thing to do to a family, making a full sibling more important than a half. They need to get over themselves.

You and he are both fathers, one by biology and the other by love and commitment. If I were you, I would go back to your wife and both of you try to get her pregnant, and everyone love all the children equally and stand by each other in unity as co-parents of all the children together, no matter whose sperm fertilized the egg. The more important thing is love.

You should PM LovingRadiance or read her posts about her family dynamics. She has a husband and a boyfriend and children from each. They all parent together and it works.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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