Hello from Central New York

[JessieNY]

I wonder if any of you have a relationship with you and 2 others where all is equal and your are a family unit all together living together and taking care of eachother together. How does that work? I also wonder how another woman would feel entering into an exsisting relationship that has been mono for 10 years aside from other pysichal relationships? Also, we have a little boy that I am not sure how he would handle having another "mommy" in the house if this did happen? Also, how is one to feel when told no more babies but then wants to have babies with the new partner? I have many questions and i am sorry to ramble on. You all are so insightful and helpful! I love it!

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by wolfnrose

I think I've mentioned elsewhere that I tend to date mono women just because the people with the level of commitment I seek happen to often be mono themselves, ..

I'm curious if you would be willing to elaborate on this a bit? No need to but if you are willing to share that would great.

[lovefromgirl]

I entered into an existing relationship that had existed for nearly twenty; granted, I'm only with him, because she's mono, straight, and determined to stay that way but it's still rather an intimidating prospect. I also had problems trusting, but we took it -- and still take it -- at a pace that allowed for trust to be built.

We are all childfree, so I can't speak to the more kids issue personally, but I can tell you that's something you need to work out with the people who will be raising them. If you do have children, chances are the partner who didn't want more will be part of their lives anyway, and that's not exactly fair, either.

[ImaginaryIllusion]

Originally Posted by JessieNY

Also, we have a little boy that I am not sure how he would handle having another "mommy" in the house if this did happen?

I wish I had the answer to this one. However I do recall a couple years ago...my son's best friend (who's mother was divorced, and at the time living with another woman) had his 'two mommy's' And my son would sometimes ask why he couldn't have two mommy's too. (And wasn't interested in getting rid of Dad in the process either)

Originally Posted by JessieNY

Also, how is one to feel when told no more babies but then wants to have babies with the new partner?

I don't think anyone can tell you how to feel with this one...is this a question that has actually come up in practice? Or is this from a place of "what's the worst case scenario?"
In either case, I expect you and your husband still have a lot of soul searching, communication, more communication, some possible internal reorginization, and even more communication. (I wonder if there's a theme there? ) It can be a lengthy process...I can only suggest to take your time with it, and be patient.

Originally Posted by JessieNY

I have many questions and i am sorry to ramble on. You all are so insightful and helpful! I love it!

Don't apologize for asking questions...it's why the forum is here.

Cheers, and welcome to the forum.

-II

[wolfnrose]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I'm curious if you would be willing to elaborate on this a bit? No need to but if you are willing to share that would great.

This is drifting way off topic from the original thread, but to try a short-answer, it's mostly just happenstance and a pattern I've seen...

I seek someone who wants a serious, committed, long term relationship first and foremost. Many monos are looking for exactly that as well, albeit they expect a relationship with one guy, not a couple. So, there's an adjustment to be made there. Most often, the failure mode with these people is not their commitment, but their lack of satisfaction in having to share me once they understand I really truly AM NOT looking for leave my mate/trade up/etc... all the normal mono-cheater assumptions.

On the flipside, for some reason when I've gently tried to steer my dating towards poly women (so as to avoid the "you're my entire romantic support system, so why can't I have 100% of your time?" problems of dating monos), I've more often than not run into people who (in MY definitions) are more casual/sex-centric/less-committed. I'm not saying that ALL poly women are like that, and freely admit most poly MEN I know are just as casual too... but there are more "commitment minded" women among the mono pool than the poly pool, for whatever reasons. I can explain poly to monos better than I can strong-arm casual folks into commitment.

The concept of closed-polyFIDELITY is a fairly new concept which I think would be more amenable to what we're seeking, but I haven't known enough people of that ilk "as a group" to really say whether that assumption holds water. In terms of what me and mine seek at this point, I suspect another couple looking for a closed quad would "fit" best, so there is balance when together OR apart, and everyone comes to the table for mutual benefit instead of compensation...

Hope that answered your question, but again it's really just "what I've noticed" rather than "what I can fully explain"...

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by wolfnrose

Hope that answered your question, but again it's really just "what I've noticed" rather than "what I can fully explain"...

You bet, my friend. Thanks for that and take care.

Now back to our regularly scheduled topic

[redpepper]

jessie, are you "allowed" (and I say "allowed" because it seems that is how it is going at this point in you relationship rather than "have you negotiated") to see women on your own?

[JessieNY]

I would be allowed yes to see other women. Ultimately he would like just one woman that we can both agree on and love together and act as unit. Though, it sounds selfish...I don't want to be ther 3rd wheel or vice versa.

[ImaginaryIllusion]

Originally Posted by JessieNY

I would be allowed yes to see other women. Ultimately he would like just one woman that we can both agree on and love together and act as unit. Though, it sounds selfish...I don't want to be ther 3rd wheel or vice versa.

There's really nothing selfish about not wanting anyone to feel left out...including yourself.

There's a good thread on definitions some of which will touch on some of the feelings you may be experiencing. Particularly the 4th post contains a link that addresses specifically the person you're looking for...it's a toungue in cheek expression of how the scenario could play out...and is meant for levity...not a prediction. At the same time it illustrates many of the challenges that frequently occur in such a search.

[Rarechild]

[QUOTE=wolfnrose;18848]Jessie:


Wolfnrose, I'm just getting caught up on this thread, and these two sentiments struck me.

(Oddly, I don't fear -- maybe this sounds arrogant, but I don't want someone who doesn't see my worth enough to hold onto me...).

But the biggest factor by far that *I* have discovered is (and this should really not surprise you?) is whether the other person is fundamentally worthy of your respect. If my fiance' dates a nice guy who seems to genuinely not wish to come between us, I'm hunky dory -- Yeah, stay over, borrow my tools, whatever... but if he's a total jackass who is clearly only going to hurt the woman I love deeply, I get my hackles up quickly.
I don't believe in "bans" or "vetos" per se, but I do expect my mate to listen to my opinion when she's caught up in New Relationship Energy and totally blinded. I've been there myself, and know ALL about NRE making you think the scankwhore is Cinderella... :-) One of my agreements with my current mate is PLEASE DO tell me when you think I'm dating a scank, because I probably won't see it, and she's likely to show her true colors to my mate (who she's trying to push out) MUCH earlier than myself (who she's trying to impress).

Especially this last one. I think this is so important and it is what I find myself wanting for myself and my husband. I want to feel that that the person he is establishing a relationship with deserves my trust and respect. And I want to be heard without defensiveness when I call bullshit on behavior out of concern for him and myself as well.

I always find it hard to explain that while I do trust him, I know the fantasyland feeling of NRE can be blinding, and I want him to trust my observations, knowing that they come from a good place, not wanting anyone to get unnecessarily hurt. Most of the time when I call out behavior, it is because I have behaved the same way and watched the pain come down. Any person he brings into his life is by proxy a part of my life, and I don't want to live through the same mistakes through someone else if I can possibly help it.

Ok, now I'm going to read the rest.