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  #31  
Old 02-22-2013, 08:39 PM
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Yoni69 Yoni69 is offline
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Hello there FindingMyselfInTheGrey,

I just joined this place recently but have been attracted to the lifestyle for many years. I lived it for a little while so I know it can work but only if everyone agrees on everything.

I too find your story very moving and I too found out about your situation recently, of there being people such as yourself that do not desire sexual relations but are full of love and willing to give it and receive it. You sound like you went to the ends of the earth just to find your true love once again.

I was also with someone hypersexual for many years and would also just go along with it to make him happy. I do not consider myself an asexual as I feel I have a normal sex drive. I may be with someone at the moment that has a low sex drive but has on nonetheless.

At least now I feel I don’t have to “put out” when I don’t want to and it’s sort of a relief, as you called it a “chore”, much like doing the dishes…they gotta be done, just as the hubby’s gotta be done.

If you want to chat with me, I’m someone you can reach out to if you ever just wanna talk about it, such as living with three people in a polyamorous relationship, such as what are the pitfalls and the rewards.
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  #32  
Old 03-06-2013, 08:49 PM
Ceraste1 Ceraste1 is offline
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Default Triad relationships

I have the book called "Opening up". It explores many options of open relationships. If a triad- means three people and its part of polyamory living or lifestyle then what is the problem of a couple seeking just a single female or male for a relationship? How can it be all red flags and taboo and reeks of bad things if its what you and your mate are looking for to find fulfillment and happiness. I am open for any wisdom that someone wants to impart because I really dont get the problem that is always associated when someone posts this and I cant find a difinitive answer.

JD
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  #33  
Old 03-06-2013, 11:05 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is online now
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Here is a link to a post where people were discussing some of the terms that illicit negative feelings/responses. It's a few pages, but the first few post might give you an idea of why certain terms raise some red flags for people.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17481

In theory, there is nothing wrong with having a closed triad. However, more often than not, the "unicorn" or "hot bi babe" is the one that gets the short end of the stick.

Personally, anytime people seem like they are trying to fit real people in the real world into their fantasy - I see red flags as do many others and therefore they go into warning mode. Ah, wait a minute, back up, are you really meaning to say what I heard you say...
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  #34  
Old 03-06-2013, 11:14 PM
Ceraste1 Ceraste1 is offline
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Hello,
Thanks for your response. I can understand how that person would get a bad end of the stick if it was a one sided relationship, however that being said my wife isnt bi, just wants to be included in some aspects of the relationship. I have read how impossible things are and I get it peoples feelings on the matter. What I dont understand is if it makes that third partner happy, then why all the disgust. At the end of the day if your happy in life and where you are and your not hurting people or short change peoples expectations then I have no problem with this. I kind of find it entertaining that its acceptable to find multiple partners but its frowned upon to find one. maybe I missed the mark.

I do appreciate the links I will check them out. I dont want to be percieved as a bad person here. I know what kind of secret life I use to lead to get what I needed from life as far as sex is concerned. I was tired of running around and taking care of my business in hiding. Being out in the open with my wife has made my life easier but with a new set of concerns. Would I be happy if I can find some one that is willing to share what I see in my wife? yes. Is it practical to think this? maybe not. I am always positive and hopeful. Never know how life will pan out.

JD
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  #35  
Old 03-06-2013, 11:28 PM
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Your point is well-made that as long as all three people are happy with the arrangement, then there is not a problem. (Of course the same principle applies to four-person arrangements, etc.)
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  #36  
Old 03-07-2013, 12:37 AM
Ceraste1 Ceraste1 is offline
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I appreciate the links and I get what the hype is about concering the doublestandards of "how unicorns feel". I will say that there are two sides to every coin, for every mistreated woman im sure there is one that is treated very well. In my case, she is Asexual...if she could deal with all of my needs I wouldnt be on this forum discussing my life and trying to figure out what works for US. I dont want her to feel one sided in any way. Its not a issue for her because her needs are met on all aspects of life. She approached me on this and I thought how great it would be to open our home and share our life. With what I do and all that we are involved with we really have allot to give and share. Sex is a big issue for me with no doubt. I really didnt expect to be cast as the one "Red Flagged". With what I have done for the past 20ish years of my life, I have learned one thing.. we have a freedom of choice still in this country...unless that is taken too. You can choose to live a shitty existance and be a third wheel or take the helm and have a great life. My wife and I have spoken together about this at great lengths. I have zero desire to make her feel onesided. From what I read, Poly is allot of different things, none really limiting as long as both primary partners agree and are happy. If one is just settling then that at the end of the day is there sacrafice and choice. We are not in this for hot threesomes or other activities like that. Just looking to find that special someone that will fit into our lives as much as we could fit into theirs. Nieve maybe..who knows. Life is crazy. I could very easily use some of the women in my past for threesomes. Its not what either of us want. Is it a great fantasy...of course. Not the reason of our search.

I appreciate advice and critisism as always. I dont pretend to know how to spell

JD
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  #37  
Old 03-07-2013, 01:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceraste1 View Post
I really didnt expect to be cast as the one "Red Flagged".
Maybe I need to go back and re-read everything, but I didn't see that. I did see you take offense and misunderstand what some others were trying to say and vice versa. Raising a red flag by what term is used - no big deal, someone will explain. Raising a red flag by unrealistic expectations - again not really a big deal and no one thinks your the big bad wolf or anything either, but people will try and bring you back down to earth so some future partner doesn't get burned because they don't fit your expectations. People here want to see RELATIONSHIPS work! They will give advice and warnings alike.
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  #38  
Old 03-07-2013, 03:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceraste1 View Post
From what I read, Poly is allot of different things, none really limiting as long as both primary partners agree and are happy.
'both primary partners' implies a high degree of monogamous, couple-centric, not-necessarily-poly thinking. Many folks who are poly do not have or want a 'primary' partner. If your goal is a triad, then you won't be a primary 'couple' anymore. Which is fine of course, I just recommend you call it something else.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceraste1 View Post
I appreciate advice and critisism as always.
Well, that's refreshingly different than your first post.

You may find this article interesting or helpful. I think it's the best thing I've read that explains why people take exception to the term 'unicorn hunter.'
http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-c...nicorn-hunter/
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and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #39  
Old 03-07-2013, 02:26 PM
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I am glad you're reading and chatting more comfortably here now, Ceraste.

As I said upthread, I can totally relate to your high sex drive. While my gf is far from asexual, her drive does come and go, and I can get frustrated on the days or weeks when she's not interested in sex. Since she and I have been together, for the first 3 years, I was constantly on ok cupid dating site looking for another lover/play partner/ boyfriend, whatever! Finally I found my bf, Ginger, a year ago.

Most of the men I dated did not meet her. A few did. She wasn't expecting me to bring her home a friend or cuddle partner. Sure, we both thought it would be nice if one of the guys ended up being friendly with her, but miss pixi is well able to find friends and cuddles on her own. She didn't need it as a side benefit of me having a boyfriend. And we weren't looking for someone to "open our home to" full time. Heck, we've been a couple 4 years now and are only now planning to move in together this summer.

But you do your thing! There are as many ways to do poly as there are people doing it. It's a nice goal to wish a lover of yours could be a close platonic friend to your wife! Just plan on being patient as far as a full triad goes (one relationship sexual, one r/ship platonic but cuddly and romantic)... There just aren't that many single women out there willing to move in with an established couple. It's a big risk.
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  #40  
Old 03-07-2013, 03:50 PM
Ceraste1 Ceraste1 is offline
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All,
I appreciate and always welcome constructive critisism. I know that for every opinion that there is a different side to it. I dont have the first clue as to how to go about achieving what we want in life which is why we are here. I know what I would like to have happen. Wether its realistic or not, its hard to tell. Im sure that there is someone on this forum that has had some level of success and unfortunate failure to learn from. I have led a secret life for quite some time. I was rather good at it but it was way to taxing on my physical and mental being always living a lie like that. I dont want that. My wife dont deserve that. If I have to live as a "hinge" and both partners never speak but know about each other I am sure it would be easier living but im sure presents its own set of unique problems. The book I have is rather vague on setting up things like that. I am really open to conversations or private chat about it.

JD
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