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  #21  
Old 03-06-2013, 04:18 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
It's curious to me how quick people on this forum are to suggest pulling the plug on long-term relationships. This is the second such suggestion I received yesterday.

To be frank, it's one of the least admirable aspects of polyamory, and is the aspect of the would-be community here that makes me think monogamy might really be the better way to go.
Dude, stop blaming poly for your problems.

You are fucking miserable. You've been fucking miserable the entire time you've posted here.

When people post about why they are fucking miserable, other people tend to point to the thing that is making them fucking miserable. In this case, it's your marriage. Poly is NOT the reason people are suggesting - gently or not so gently - that hey, this is not working and maybe it is time to end it.

And you know what? You will still be fucking miserable as a monogamous person. Choosing monogamy (or polyamory) will not fix anything. You will still feel despondent, have little self-respect, and feel helpless. Your relationship stance of poly or mono is not the problem. The problem is that your marriage is broken. It is so broken, from an outsider's perspective based on what you've posted here, that maybe it is time to let it go.

If you haven't already, get yourself to a therapist. This level of despondency and helplessness is not healthy. It is not good for you or your children.
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  #22  
Old 03-06-2013, 04:45 PM
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hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
You've been fucking miserable the entire time you've posted here.
Well, aren't you just a breath of fresh air?

Seriously, though, I haven't been miserable the whole time . . . only since August. I think I'm seeing that more clearly now.

I'm working on it.

I do still need to figure out what to do about polyamory. My wife seems committed to it, I'm on the fence about it.

Once the fog clears, once I haul myself up out of this hole I've managed to dig for myself - yes, with my very own shovel, and my own hard work, not anyone else's - I still have to decide what to do, what general guidelines I am going to live by.

So, if it's okay with you, I will still post things to this forum on occasion, and read and respond to people's replies, though not all of them will be especially helpful.
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  #23  
Old 03-06-2013, 05:10 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
It's curious to me how quick people on this forum are to suggest pulling the plug on long-term relationships. This is the second such suggestion I received yesterday.

To be frank, it's one of the least admirable aspects of polyamory, and is the aspect of the would-be community here that makes me think monogamy might really be the better way to go.
It's not pulling the plug when the bathtub is leaky and all the water has already drained out. It's just getting out and towelling yourself off.

It's not a poly/mono thing, it's a modern era thing. Back in the day, women needed to stay married in order to keep themselves and their children fed. Society dictated that even if your marriage was shit, you stayed married, because that's what you did.

I don't suggest people get divorced every time they hit a road bump, provided both members are willing to put in the hard work to restore the marriage. But my interpretation of what you've said is that your wife has checked out of the marriage and is just doing her own thing now. One person cannot fix a marriage all by himself.
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  #24  
Old 03-06-2013, 05:20 PM
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hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I don't suggest people get divorced every time they hit a road bump, provided both members are willing to put in the hard work to restore the marriage. But my interpretation of what you've said is that your wife has checked out of the marriage and is just doing her own thing now. One person cannot fix a marriage all by himself.
If that were really the case, yes, I could see the point of ending the marriage. But please understand that 1) I've only told the story from my own point of view and, as has become clear to me since yesterday, a lot of this is colored by my own despondency, verging on depression, and 2) what's really at stake here is one fairly defined matter of policy regarding the children.

To be entirely fair to Vix, she is still committed to keeping our household together, and maintaining our relationship as a vital and central focus of her life. She does need to be away, for sound reasons of her own, as well as for reasons that may come across as more . . . optional.

As I've tried to emphasize, she really does a lot of the work of the household when she is home, which is still most of the time. She also tries to do what she can to keep the household functioning when she is away. She is devoted to the girls; it's just that she is more willing than I am to leave them on their own for a short time . . .

I have to acknowledge that a lot of my struggles with this really are just my own struggles; I do, in some sense, just need to get over myself, find more appropriate expectations.

But it's also true that Vix and I have some work to do, shoring up our relationship to one another, negotiating some boundaries now that difference between us are coming out into the open.

The conversation I had with Vix this morning really did clarify a lot of this for me. Again, much of it comes down to my own despondency and withdrawal.

She said she'd fetch ladder, to help me climb up out of the hole I've dug.
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  #25  
Old 03-06-2013, 05:31 PM
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hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
You are fucking miserable. You've been fucking miserable the entire time you've posted here.
Let me try a different response to this.

I'm sorry for posting so many things that have been whiny and annoying, and for occasionally responding with snark.

I am grateful for this forum, and for all the replies to my various posts - those replies that have been patient and understanding as well as those that have been, um, less than patient - for helping me, sometimes in spite of myself, to achieve a small measure of clarity.

I don't know, at this point, what my own choices will be regarding polyamory, but I think I do have some basis for a more constructive approach to my wife's current engagement with poly.
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  #26  
Old 03-06-2013, 05:35 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
To be entirely fair to Vix, she is still committed to keeping our household together, and maintaining our relationship as a vital and central focus of her life.
In what ways? Maybe people here could help you more if you spelled out these things.

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She does need to be away, for sound reasons of her own...
Need is a very strong word. Why does she 'need' to be away?
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  #27  
Old 03-06-2013, 05:44 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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My doubts about my own capacity to be polyamorous are deepening by the day. Whether that's just despondency, or my own inability to connect with people, or just an accident of my circumstances, I don't know. That's a matter for another thread, though - "Theory, Practice."

I just have to figure out how not to be depressed and anxious about all of it.
Could also be hitting a personal limitation. That is the limit. Right here.

The way to "un-depress" then once a personal limitationis found is not to engage in behavior that taxes your limits.

Some things one can learn to deal with over time from regular exposure and "grow skills/get used to it." Some things one can learn to deal with by avoiding the trigger.

It is up to you to discern what kind of flavor this is here for you and what type solution to apply. Hang in there -- and do sort.

Galagirl
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  #28  
Old 03-06-2013, 05:47 PM
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hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
In what ways? Maybe people here could help you more if you spelled out these things.
She thinks of our household as home base, and our relationship as a lifelong partnership. The vision we shared in the past is that we would grow old together, whatever other, um, adventures we had in the mean time. We would be able to rely on one another in a pinch, share a common history . . . you know, the works. It's not exactly story-book, I guess, since she's not at all monogamous and I'm not sure whether I am; but she wants me to be the one she comes home to, and she wants to be the one I come home to.

Does that make any sense?

Also, if it came to a choice, she confirmed this morning that this is the relationship she to which she would give priority. If all other relationships failed, this is the one she would want to save.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Need is a very strong word. Why does she 'need' to be away?
1. The air in the city we live in is quite toxic; she has chronic asthma, and has to take increasing doses of maintenance drugs to keep ahead of it, drugs that are having cumulative, long-term side-effects. She needs to be in a places with cleaner air, as often as she can manage it; until we can move our household - which depends on me advancing my career, rather than writing to online forums! - that means periodic travel.

2. She is developing her skill as a teacher in a particular domain - again, being coy, to protect identity; we're part of a small community of people who tend to know one another, even across vast distances! - and travel serves that purpose. She has some travel coming up this spring related to professional development, and the events she attends in Europe are also relevant to that. She's quite good at what she does, and I'm proud of what she has accomplished.

3. She really is into the idea of being poly, and the one other relationship most worth cultivating happens to be an LTR . . . with an American ex-pat in Europe. Whether that's a need may be a matter for debate, but it does contribute to her happiness.
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  #29  
Old 03-07-2013, 02:29 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Also, if it came to a choice, she confirmed this morning that this is the relationship she to which she would give priority. If all other relationships failed, this is the one she would want to save.
And this will be demonstrated by what behaviors done by her/you? The keeping and care of the relationship you share with each other?

Is this standard, this code of conduct acceptable to you?

Are they written down somewhere? So both can be held accountable to each other?

Cuz... talk is talk. Action is action.

When one's talk does not match their walk? There's problems.

GG
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  #30  
Old 03-07-2013, 05:19 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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I've not really read the while thread, sorry bout that.
I would like to cover the original topic though, the level of support a parent decides to give their children is so very individual.

There's a festival I've wanted to go to for the last ten years. All of my mates go, but it's always on the weekend before my son starts his new school year, my preference is always to be with him on that weekend. I've still not been to that festival... So be it. Perhaps I'll go in the future.
I know starting school is a big deal for him, I choose to be with him. It's my pleasure and honour to support him during times that are significant to him.

Other people I know don't make choices like that, and so be it.
His father (my ex) oftens goes away during times that are significant to my son.

Part of the reason we split up was because I didn't agree on any moral or ethical stance with the idea of leaving your kid/s when they really need you.

I sort of liked the idea that my chosen partner may be there for me if I really needed him, and he would continually prove via his abandonment of our son that he was not that type of person.

That's ok, that's who he still is today. Not the person I want as a partner in this often difficult world. I do want someone I can rely on, yes I do.
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