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  #11  
Old 03-06-2013, 04:12 AM
Matt Matt is offline
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BoringGuy -- I have said it in a way of being respectful of my wife's desire to spend time with her, acknowledging that it's not just my home, and being mindful of their relationship. It's been vocalized, expressed, and deeply stressed. "Call before you show up." "Let us know in advance." "Convey it to Ry (my wife), so I have some type of say who comes in and out of our home." I'm not sure how many different ways I can say the same thing and make it stick. I would like to say she got the message that she wasn't welcome by me and won't do it anymore. That's like believing the Loch Ness monster is real. If it was anybody else, I wouldn't hesitate about putting them out for good and asking them to never return. That's just me and how I am.

I haven't been at home since Feb 28th, and she stayed at her apartment leading up to me departing. That's not an accurate measure because we had only been home for a short time. Days as a matter of fact, and she was working an odd schedule. Since my wife has been away, I can guarantee she'll be right back at it when we return home. It feels more like a respecting our space, marriage, and and a boundary issue.

The decision to end the relationship with her has been in the making for awhile. The feelings of guilt over being with her and knowing that I'd never love her the way I love my wife or even at all were the final nails in the coffin. I always felt like I was cheating on my wife, and it didn't feel right. I tried it, and it's a lesson learned. I don't have it in me to love more than one woman. I'm a monogamous guy, and that's that.

Regarding my not wanting to be in a poly family anymore. It came up over dinner, and I detailed why I feel the way I do. I didn't corner her like, "I feel like ___, and ___ this is what you need to do to fix it." It was more along the lines of, "Lately, I have come to realize that what I agreed to in the beginning is not quite what I want for the present or the future. I love you, and I vowed to keep a smile on your face. In keeping with our vow of honesty and being real with one another, I'm not feeling having a third person in our marriage. I agreed to this dynamic because I was in love with you, and I knew you were the woman for me. Much like a woman who had prior children from a previous marriage, it became a package deal. It was either lose the woman I love or accept your lifestyle and the other person that came along with it...." So on and so forth. Love won out. I can't say I have regrets because I love my wife, and at this very moment, I'm in love with her. But I can't help feeling like I wish it was the two of us instead of three of us. As I'm getting closer to 40, it's hitting me that I don't want to grow old with you and her. I want to grow old with just you. I feel wrong for thinking like that, but I have to own what I feel.

My wife is on here. I'll forward her the link and see if she's up to weighing in on the subjects at hand.
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  #12  
Old 03-06-2013, 06:10 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Default I'm the wife in this lovely little situation. :)

Hubby (Matt) has been super honest and upfront with me regarding his thoughts and desires. I will admit that Si has been spending quite a bit of time in our home. She has all but packed boxes and moved in. Cohabitation is a no-no. That was mutually decided.

He's expressed it to her, and I can't say it has gotten better as it's not in practice due to us being in separate parts of the world. I returned home on the 20th of February from a medical conference in S.F., and babe left 8 days later. During that time, there were no unexpected drop-by's or night caps. I attribute that to both of us working most of those nights, so she didn't have the time to violate it. We'll see when we get home. If she doesn't listen, I wouldn't blame him if did tell her that she was no longer welcome at all.

On the flight to Cabo on Valentine's morning, I sort of felt bad about leaving her, but then I realized how much we needed one-on-one time. It did cross my mind about extending an invite to her, but it was like no because babe planned this for us. No kids. No Si. Just me and him on a beach and enjoying each other's company. That initial feeling of wanting her there melted like ice on a 95 degree day. I was happy that DH was relaxing and not on edge because he had to invite her. I loved, loved, loved every single day we spent together. We acted like honeymooners, and looking back, I could see the appeal of it just being us.

I don't believe the issue is just at home, though. It's evolved to everywhere. Family vacations, weddings, and at various events and such. The way it was explained to me was that he feels like he HAS to include her, and it's clearly in a begrudging sense. He doesn't want to exclude her, so out of respect for me and my relationship with Si, he does what we as women do sometimes. Grins and bears it, but secretly, I feel like he loathes.

I could take our son with me to Si's place, but in all actuality, I probably wouldn't spend the night. Before we had children, maybe. I'm a home body. I simply like waking up in my own home and being woken up by our daughter. Those little moments mean the world to me. Matt has never told me that I couldn't stay at her place. It's not what I want to do at this point. Visiting is fine, but home is where I feel the most comfortable.

Right now, I can't respond to him wanting her completely out of the picture. That requires some serious talking with all three parties. First things first is, he has to formally end things with her. Babe wants to do it face to face. That's his right. From there, he and I need to talk. I have to talk to Si. I can't say that I'm opposed to being mono. I simply can't rule it out. It's not what I'm accustomed to it, so I can't knock it or say that's not for me.

A semester schedule seems quite nice in theory, but due to our ever changing and evolving work schedules, it would have to be done on a week to week basis. We're all on-call at different times and can be called in for an emergency at any given moment, which could throw off planned nights or time. The balance is off, and I don't want Matt's needs to be neglected. The whole schedule would have to be tentative and have a pink pen handy to make changes.

It's a work in progress, and we're taking steps towards working out the kinks and attempting to get the balance back. We'll get there one way or the other. I'm positive and optimistic. I'm happy he came to me and expressed his feelings.
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Last edited by FullofLove1052; 03-06-2013 at 04:07 PM.
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  #13  
Old 03-06-2013, 01:08 PM
Matt Matt is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Sounds like it could be a time management problem. You are tired of sharing your wife because your time/space management needs are not being met at home? You also don't want to date the GF. You do have her as your metamour.

Could tell her and wife direct --
" I would like to set an appointment time to talk about two things. In general...

1) We tried. Me and the GF do not work as a couple because I find I am monoamorous and my wife is IT for me. You and wife can keep seeing each other, but I am best off in the role of husband to her, and metamour to you. I am sorry the dating experiment came to this outcome but it is what it is. I would like to remain friendly. We could talk about all that more deeply -- changing from a triad back to V smoothly.

2) GF is over X times a week. I need some alone time here with wife. I need time alone with me. Could you both be willing to talk to me about space/calendar/time management issues so everyone can get what they need in terms of time and space? I feel crowded in my home. I need to be free of that feeling.

3) Do you have needs of your own that need addressing? When is a good time for all of us to talk so we remain in healthy relationship in our respective roles?"
Tell each separate and then together. So there's no triangulation and you get an appointment to talk in trio about these issues.

I was nursing for a long time - wife could take the nursing babe WITH HER to her GF's home. I took the nursling wherever I went. It is what it is in that stage of life. That is the price of admission wife could pay to a) keep harmony with you and b) still see the GF and C) meet the baby nursing needs all at once.

The "triad" configuration did not fly, but in a "V" you are still in polyship here. You do not want to divorce, but the polymath balance need to be restored to meet your needs too. So speak up so you have be ok in polyship with your polyship people.

Each mini relationship inside the larger polyship needs to be in balance for the overall thing to feel ok and flying true. Right now you sound like you fly crooked because you had unarticulated needs were going unmet. I am glad you took the bull by the horns and have opened a dialogue. Good for you!

You do not want a divorce. So could give it places to go where you could be ok --

Like she takes the nursling with her. And / or she leaves to see the GF after the kids are post bed/bath/story time.

You all make a calendar to address the polymath needs that are unbalanced right now:
  • Time for you alone
  • Time for you and the kids alone
  • Time for wife and kids alone
  • Time for you and wife alone
  • Time for you and wife and the kids alone
  • Time for wife and GF alone
  • Time for you and wife and GF without kids
  • Time for all together -- you and wife and GF and kids. (This is being overdone, but don't overcompensate and make it ZERO.)

Could take it on the semester approach. We do that here -- "Here's the map for THIS semester." Then people only have to suck up on compromises for that term, knowing that next term things can readjust again to meet changing needs.

Sometimes knowing that helps -- "Alright, just for this term. Next term I can ask for different at the check in time."

Could ask wife and GF what THEIR suggested solutions could be for meeting all the people's needs. Then you all cobble something together from those puzzle pieces that could work and agree to try it for a time and see. Check back in to evaluate after X weeks to see if things are good or still need tweaks. Could hold each other accountable to agreements/promises made.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
Thank you, GalaGirl. Very helpful suggestions. The relationship is good as done. I could end it via text, but that seems heartless. I care about her as a person, so my whole deal was doing it in person. I don't want it to be awkward for anybody involved.

My level of irritation with her girlfriend is high because I see her day in and day out at the hospital, and then, I get home after working 12 hours or however many hours, and she's there again. I can't get away from her. It's like working with a spouse. You need time apart or feeling smothered is almost a given. Give us the chance to miss having you around. I wish I could say I had this strong need for her to be there, but it's MIA. I don't know if you all remember that show Living Single, but she reminds of the Max character. Always at their house, eating their food, and borderline living there.

If she has to stay around, there will be certain days, and I can't go for back to back days. I don't want to see anybody 24 hours. Everybody needs time to breathe. There must be a break in between. If she has to stay in my wife's life, I don't want her to be part of everything we do. Get a hobby. Take a yoga class. Go to your apartment. Do whatever it takes to stay away. I'm guilty of biting the bullet and inviting her to join when I know it's not alright with me. That was me being mindful of my wife's relationship and her girlfriend's feelings. These days I'm intentionally leaving her out.

We'll see how it plays out...
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  #14  
Old 03-06-2013, 02:20 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Are you using your real names? Do you realize you have 12 hours to edit your posts, after that it's on the internet for good?

If you don't have a problem with your personal private life being out there, then disregard this public service announcement.
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  #15  
Old 03-06-2013, 03:45 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Boring Guy...

Thank you for the PSA. The names used are are letters from each of our names. In real life, we're already out to everyone, so it wouldn't be a biggie if people knew about this.
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  #16  
Old 03-06-2013, 04:56 PM
AJ1 AJ1 is offline
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Can I clarify: Matt - did you have these feelings of wanting Si around less before before becoming romantically involved with her? If not, I think it will be inordinately difficult to separate your strong feelings of guilt from your feelings about Si in general. Even though you didn't actually do anything wrong, you feel guilt about what transpired, and those feelings are what counts. It is extremely common for people in such a situation to feel adversely to the person they "cheated" with*. Seeing Si reminds you of those feelings, and makes you uncomfortable.

That may not be the entirety of the issue, or even the majority of it, but it is likely a contributing factor. If Si is important to your wife, it may be wise to just take one step at a time. Have the break-up, deal with the fallout, and see where life lands. It sounds like you have let all these emotions bottle up inside until now you just want to throw the whole thing away and not have to deal with it. That may be the easiest solution for you, but it also might cause unnecessary pain to your family. Not just Si and your wife, but if your kids have grown accustomed to having her around it will be painful to them as well if she is totally cut out of the arrangement.


* I know you didn't actually cheat, but it sounds like you are experiencing similar feelings to those circumstances.
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  #17  
Old 03-06-2013, 05:09 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
Thank you for the PSA. The names used are are letters from each of our names. In real life, we're already out to everyone, so it wouldn't be a biggie if people knew about this.
Just be aware that your sig has Si's full name in it as well...
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  #18  
Old 03-06-2013, 05:30 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Time with my gf is definitely scheduled on a week-to-week basis. I prefer that, actually. My moods change, and I couldn't do a "Thursday is always date night" schedule because what if I wanted to do something else on Thursday?

You've asked her to phone before coming over, and it sounds like she's not respecting that. So put your foot down on that point. Every single time she comes over without calling first, whether or not you really mind her being there that particular time, tell her "Sorry, we've asked you to call before coming. We're having family time now, please come back a different night. Remember to call first."

I would also take away the key and change the security code. Those are for people who live with you. Next time she comes over, just ask for the key back. Even if she has another copy, you're going to change the security code. Nothing says "You're not welcome here right now" like cops showing up, locked and loaded...
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  #19  
Old 03-06-2013, 06:09 PM
Matt Matt is offline
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I agreed to giving her a key because sometimes the nanny has things to do, and if we're at work, somebody has to be there. She stepped up so we wouldn't have to hire a second person. That was fine. We didn't mind the help. Somehow and some way the visits turned into overnight and extended stays.

Examples of what I can live with. If I'm working overnight, which isn't unusual, it's cool if she's there with my wife. I know they have their Lifetime movie nights. Saves me from crazy movie central. No issue. She comes over on Sunday's to watch that show Downton Abbey, maybe? Cool, but here's the problem. She doesn't leave that night or the following morning or even ask if we mind if she stays longer than expected. It's assumed that it's wanted by both of us. (If asked, the answer would be no from me every time.) She'll leave to go to work or visit her apartment to get clothes, and then she returns like it's her house. We get home around 6 or 7, and when we get there, she's already there. I didn't want to treat her like the hired help and tell her that her services were no longer needed for the evening. Maybe I should have, and this would be under control. As a goodwill gesture, we've asked if she wanted to stay for dinner. I thought it would be understood that after dinner, she could politely exit the stage on the left and enjoy her night-at her own apartment. Never panned out that way.

Seriously, you are right. Nothing gets the message across like police showing up. If she can't respect our house and rules, stay away. The code for the panel and the password with the company will be changed. If necessary, the locks, too.
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  #20  
Old 03-06-2013, 06:38 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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So you're ready to go from inviting her to stay for dinner so she doesn't feel like hired help, assuming she'll politely exit stage left, to "nothing gets the message across like the cops showing up"?

You REALLY do need to work on your communication skills. Not your wife's, not the girlfriend's, but YOURS. There are more than those two extremes. That's no way to handle this.

I hope you learn and grow from this episode in your life, that is all.
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