Online Dating...When to Mention Poly?

[StudentofLife]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

When I've found love, it's never been because I was sitting around waiting for the universe to drop love in my lap. It's happened only when I've realized that I have to make my own happiness, and that I can't rely on another person to fill the voids in my life - I need to fill them myself.

I may have phrased it slightly differently, including desiring a new relationship as one of many ways of making one's own happiness, but to me it sounds as though we are basically saying the same thing.

StudentofLife wrote: Actively working to make the changes in one's life that are desired is not a bad thing--a better job, a new lover, losing weight, more education, new hobbies which require specific skills, etc. All of these things take work on the part of the person desiring the change, and are based on a goal of improving general quality of life.

[StudentofLife]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

That misses the point entirely. The viewpoint BG and I are speaking of is not remotely "I deserve, so I must receive." It's "I'm responsible for making changes to my life and not relying on another person to make me happy."

Originally Posted by StudentofLife

Waiting around for the universe to deliver the goods without being willing to take responsibility smacks of a complacent "I deserve, so I must receive" viewpoint, and is one that, for me, leads to the universe taking a big poop on my head to show me the price of hubris.

Again, it sounds as though we are saying the same thing. You state that a person is responsible for making changes in their life and not relying on others to make them happy. I stated failing to take responsibility for being proactive in making myself happy inevitably brought me a poor result. We seem to be agreeing that failure to take responsibility is a bad thing. As I said, for me that failure has led to being taught a lesson.

[ManofDiscovery]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

There's that "it" again. That makes it sound like the girlfriend you're looking for is a possession, a trophy for you to go out and acquire.

And you did some fancy footwork (not really, but let's pretend) with accusing me of not asking questions... rather than actually answering those questions. So let's try again:

What is it you truly want? Why do you want a girlfriend?

People always want things for a reason. Sometimes people don't know the reason, and often they want things just because society tells them they should want it.

Me? I just want to be happy. I assume that's what anyone really wants, and everything else that they want is a means to that end. So under that (gasp!) assumption, it's natural to infer that wanting and actively seeking a girlfriend means you're unsatisfied with your present situation. If you're going to convince me otherwise, then you'll have to answer the question: why do you want a girlfriend?

Yes, I see all women as trophies, responsible for making me happy. Also, the only reason I want anything in life is because society tells me I should want it, or because I may get approval from others.

Also because I have goals in life, that means I'm unhappy with my life as it is, and I'm looking for the goals to make me happy.

Anyway again, I shall reiterate - this is not the point of the thread.

However I will say - I do enjoy being around women in general (most women, that is). I would be less happy if I had no women in my life. That's not the same as saying I need a woman to make me happy. And I didn't say I wanted a girlfriend. I just said I'm looking to date women open to polyamory and see where it goes.

Now again...please let's get back to the point of the thread.

[StudentofLife]

Originally Posted by ManofDiscovery

However I will say - I do enjoy being around women in general (most women, that is). I would be less happy if I had no women in my life. That's not the same as saying I need a woman to make me happy. And I didn't say I wanted a girlfriend. I just said I'm looking to date women open to polyamory and see where it goes.

Now again...please let's get back to the point of the thread.

You make a really good point, and phrased it better than I have. Being around people in general who add to your quality of life by being who they are and sharing their time with you...I'm going to steal that bit.

Not sure how on topic you'll find this, but I did learn one thing this year. Before I joined a forum for people questioning their sexual orientation, I was very hesitant about presenting myself as bisexual. Knowing that everyone else there was in the same place, or had been there in their past, made it much easier to have the conversations that led to my current comfort level with the truth.

Being on a forum where everyone is talking about being consensually non-monogamous makes it easier to have dialogue about our potential future relationships. Having this truth out front makes everything simpler. If I understand you correctly, you would like having the same up-front approach in terms of meeting new people, eliminating some stress and confusion from the process for everyone. Short of going to meetings of polyamorous people, I can't see many better ways to accomplish that than via online methods. (An ad in your local paper? A T-shirt with the word "Poly-Man" on the front in neon green? No, wait, then you'd have to have a cape and tights, 'cause you'd be a superhero....crud.)

For me there is a feeling of confidence that comes with knowing that from the very start some things are already known by all parties.

[ManofDiscovery]

Originally Posted by StudentofLife

Being on a forum where everyone is talking about being consensually non-monogamous makes it easier to have dialogue about our potential future relationships. Having this truth out front makes everything simpler. If I understand you correctly, you would like having the same up-front approach in terms of meeting new people, eliminating some stress and confusion from the process for everyone. Short of going to meetings of polyamorous people, I can't see many better ways to accomplish that than via online methods. (An ad in your local paper? A T-shirt with the word "Poly-Man" on the front in neon green? No, wait, then you'd have to have a cape and tights, 'cause you'd be a superhero....crud.)

For me there is a feeling of confidence that comes with knowing that from the very start some things are already known by all parties.

This is very true...it's nice to know you're on the same page as someone from the off. One thing a well written profile does is weed out the tire kickers and unsuitables.

That said...I'm still getting the tshirt made. The tights...well I have plenty of those

[StudentofLife]

Originally Posted by ManofDiscovery

This is very true...it's nice to know you're on the same page as someone from the off. One thing a well written profile does is weed out the tire kickers and unsuitables.

That said...I'm still getting the tshirt made. The tights...well I have plenty of those

Since The Pidge and I aren't actively seeking to meet people yet, I won't ever get to see your profiles on dating sites unless you PM me a copy--if you want to do that, I'd love to read them. (I have some time in my schedule today for pointing and laughing...)

I guess we can go one of two ways here--I can assume you own the tights because you're a devoted member of a local theater group OR...because you're English! Too bad it's so hard to change your user name, I think ManInTights really trips off the tongue.

I know, I know....Get back on topic.

[ManofDiscovery]

Originally Posted by StudentofLife

Since The Pidge and I aren't actively seeking to meet people yet, I won't ever get to see your profiles on dating sites unless you PM me a copy--if you want to do that, I'd love to read them. (I have some time in my schedule today for pointing and laughing...)

I guess we can go one of two ways here--I can assume you own the tights because you're a devoted member of a local theater group OR...because you're English! Too bad it's so hard to change your user name, I think ManInTights really trips off the tongue.

I know, I know....Get back on topic.

I will forgive anyone for going off topic if they also amuse me in the process. I know, I'm a total hypocrite...one rule for one, one rule for another.

We English all dress in tights, Robin Hood style. I wasn't around in the middle ages, but I'm sure they found a dernier tight ideal, offering as it does zero protection for the human leg in a combat situation.

Personally I just put my tights on, tuck my willy in so you can't see it (it's tiny anyway so that's easy) and prance around squeeling 'oooo! I'm a lady!!!!'

That's pretty much my Friday and Saturday nights down to a tee. And people suggest that I don't know how to make myself happy.

[StudentofLife]

Originally Posted by ManofDiscovery

Personally I just put my tights on, tuck my willy in so you can't see it (it's tiny anyway so that's easy) and prance around squeeling 'oooo! I'm a lady!!!!'

That's pretty much my Friday and Saturday nights down to a tee.

Lord love a duck....I think if you simply include the above in any of your dating profiles, you won't have to worry about mentioning poly. Of course, the mass migration of Brits throwing themselves off the cliffs into the sea to get away from you might cause your whole country to tip sideways, but life is risk.

And whatever you are, you are no lady!

I think we two have officially murdered this poor thread. The thread is not just merely dead, it's truly most sincerely dead! I'm sorry, ManInTights. I need to go check the User Guidelines for possible infractions for having too much fun.

[AJ1]

MoD - I just wanted to add that I totally see where you are coming from on online dating.

For me personally, the activities that I find fulfilling and enjoyable are "alone" type activities: reading, laying in the grass thinking, more reading. They cannot be parlayed into a means to acquire a romantic partner. Extroverts will say "join a book club!" but I don't enjoy "gathering in a group of people to talk about a book we all read", I enjoy "reading". Alternatively, "talking about a concept I read in a book with one other interesting person, who has read other interesting but tangentially related books." But how can I go about finding another person to talk about books with one-on-one...hmm...maybe online??

I am all about personal growth, and I don't feel like I have any void in my life I need to fill. I am happy as I am, and regardless of the number of partners I have or don't have at a given time, I like who I am and am happy with my life. That being said, I also enjoy meeting and getting to know people one-on-one, and the easiest way to find compatible people (that I have as yet found) is online dating. That goes for "mere" friendships as much as for romantic partners.

How else do introverts find one another? "Go out and do things with large groups of other people" is just not what we find enjoyable. "Peruse online profiles until I find a seemingly compatible person, then ping them about meeting up one-on-one" just makes sense.

Which is better? Being genetically inclined to be a healthy weight, or deliberately maintaining a healthy weight through diet and exercise? I guess it is easier if you are genetically inclined, but if both yield the desired result, can you really fault the exerciser for putting out effort to reach their goal? I see that as analogous to online dating vs. dating from your existing circle of acquaintances. Yeah, its certainly easier if compatible and interesting folks just fall in your lap, but I truly do not understand the stigma against actively seeking what you want.

DH and I also have a soft rule against "poaching" romantic partners from our existing circle of friends. We lost two very good friends of ours when a romantic partnership went south. Not worth it!

[ManofDiscovery]

Originally Posted by AJ1

MoD - I just wanted to add that I totally see where you are coming from on online dating.

For me personally, the activities that I find fulfilling and enjoyable are "alone" type activities: reading, laying in the grass thinking, more reading. They cannot be parlayed into a means to acquire a romantic partner. Extroverts will say "join a book club!" but I don't enjoy "gathering in a group of people to talk about a book we all read", I enjoy "reading". Alternatively, "talking about a concept I read in a book with one other interesting person, who has read other interesting but tangentially related books." But how can I go about finding another person to talk about books with one-on-one...hmm...maybe online??

I am all about personal growth, and I don't feel like I have any void in my life I need to fill. I am happy as I am, and regardless of the number of partners I have or don't have at a given time, I like who I am and am happy with my life. That being said, I also enjoy meeting and getting to know people one-on-one, and the easiest way to find compatible people (that I have as yet found) is online dating. That goes for "mere" friendships as much as for romantic partners.

How else do introverts find one another? "Go out and do things with large groups of other people" is just not what we find enjoyable. "Peruse online profiles until I find a seemingly compatible person, then ping them about meeting up one-on-one" just makes sense.

Which is better? Being genetically inclined to be a healthy weight, or deliberately maintaining a healthy weight through diet and exercise? I guess it is easier if you are genetically inclined, but if both yield the desired result, can you really fault the exerciser for putting out effort to reach their goal? I see that as analogous to online dating vs. dating from your existing circle of acquaintances. Yeah, its certainly easier if compatible and interesting folks just fall in your lap, but I truly do not understand the stigma against actively seeking what you want.

DH and I also have a soft rule against "poaching" romantic partners from our existing circle of friends. We lost two very good friends of ours when a romantic partnership went south. Not worth it!

Thanks for your response...I can say that you talk a shitload of sense.

Actually I'm very much on the extraverted end of the scale, but it's still not that easy to meet people when out and about. It's just not that easy to bump into the kind of person I'm looking for...maybe I'm just too picky.

Anyway I agree with you...there are many paths to the same destination, and you can't always say that one is right and one is wrong.