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  #11  
Old 03-05-2013, 05:53 PM
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Phy Phy is offline
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So know this situation. Sorry that you have to experience it. It happened in our case as well with my mother. I don't have many positive input to add unfortunately, my relationship with my mother is damaged (from my point of view for sure, I haven't heard her honest opinion yet) and I feel distant and defensive. The confrontation happened a year ago.

But it got better after the first weeks. She came around to just ignore our relationship 'arrangement' mostly and doesn't talk about it nowadays. Give your friend some time, maybe it will become better but if I would be in this situation again, I would (after some time has passed) point out to the other person that this has damaged my picture of her/him and that I am disappointed and hurt. Not in an aggressive way, but I believe that my mother for instance is sure that I am the only one at fault here and that she has every right in the world to hold my life against me in whatever way that pleases her. Still some conversation to be had for sure in the future, but as she has been quite ill and just completed her treatment it wasn't appropriate to stress her even more, from my point of view.

Wishing you a better outcome than I experienced.
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  #12  
Old 03-05-2013, 06:21 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by franchescasc View Post
[*]You said you prayed the other day. I'm curious…who exactly are you praying to?
Obviously this pissed you off! I can assume she comes very religious background. From my personal observations of my own family, first reactions to news that someone they love has stepped outside their little box of acceptable behavior and beliefs is usually less than stellar Any deviation in theology is seen as an attack on them personally. Eventually, they get over it, but not after having their temper tantrum first.

A face to face meeting might go better. I now refuse to have religious/political debates with my mother over the phone, it never goes well . Send her a list of questions (specific to items she threw out at you), that she can have time to research and get back to you. Ask her specifics, like "How EXACTLY are your children being harmed?" or "Why would she think God would turn his back on you?", etc.

Don't allow her to rant and just throw out knee jerk accusations. Let her know that you will not subject yourself to that kind of abuse. If she has specific issues she can ask questions, but she must also be willing to listen to the answer without getting irrational. Remind her that your choices are not a personal attack on her.

For some unknown reason, at least to the Fundamentalist Christians I know, anything involving sex, that falls outside the traditional, seems to be one of the worst sins you could do (right up there with murder), but lying about your address to get your kid in a school outside your area is just brushed aside.
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  #13  
Old 03-05-2013, 06:26 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Yeah BG nailed it unfortunately. Her reaction has everything to do with her and not at all with your reality. Time may help her get some perspective and realize you are the same person.

Dan Savage suggests giving parents freaking out about their son or daughter coming out as LBGT a year. Her reaction - down to the classic 'I don't know who you are anymore' - is very similar to if you had come out as gay/lesbian. I don't think it's a coincidence that you have come out as really, truly, for reals, bisexual. It's not theoretical, not 'fooling around' now. For some reason, some straight people understand fucking someone of the same sex but not being in an actual relationship. Anyway, back to Savage's suggestion, keep in touch, answer respectful questions, address fears. Be a bit more accepting of stupidity and ignorance than you otherwise might. If after a year, your friend is still this judgmental and disparaging, then that might the time to cut ties entirely or ramp the friendship way down. I hope this is not the outcome and she gets her shit together and remains the friend you so value.

Also I get why she was so supportive of your cheating friend. Cheating has an accepted place in our social narrative. It is easier to understand even as people don't condone it. It does not necessarily change who a person is, from an outsider's point of view. It is a far more accessible story of Wife A is miserable in relationship, she cheats (bad) but eventually leaves old relationship for new lover, they marry and carry on the usual monogamous life story (good). Wife B is happy in marriage but has bisexual tendencies, husband is ok with her exploring said tendencies (porn fantasy!) and Wife B finds a lovely women who she falls in love with. Husband still ok with this and they live happily ever after (with pauses for processing of course!). Wife B's narrative cannot be fit into a larger social narrative like Wife A's.
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  #14  
Old 03-05-2013, 06:27 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Maybe it would help her to read stories from the children of poly parents, in their own words. I dont have time to dig up links right now, but I've seen them before and none reported being scarred, even if they said that they didn't think poly was right for them. There's even a study that was done of poly families by a woman whose name I'm not remembering that found the same thing. You can probably find it with some googling. Sorry you're going through this!
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  #15  
Old 03-05-2013, 07:33 PM
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Also I get why she was so supportive of your cheating friend. Cheating has an accepted place in our social narrative. [...] It is a far more accessible story of Wife A is miserable in relationship, she cheats (bad) but eventually leaves old relationship for new lover, they marry and carry on the usual monogamous life story (good).
Guilt also seems to be a big factor in the acceptance/nonacceptance decision. I'll bet that Cheating Friend flogged herself mercilessly, so the other friend didn't have to. In Other Friend's eyes, Cheating Friend's "moral compass" was pointing the right way, but she stumbled off the path.

You (franchescasc), on the other hand, didn't stumble; you tossed out the "moral compass" (at least inasmuch as they feel it applies here) of your own free will. Hence the determination to set you back on the path, so to speak. I think she believes she is being your friend, with the tough-love.

Good luck. I hope that time and (your) patience will get her to come around. I know that in my relationship, my partner has become persona non grata among some common friends because they believe I'm being taken advantage of (I'm mono). I've heard of other success stories, though, so your mileage may vary - I hope it does!
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  #16  
Old 03-05-2013, 07:42 PM
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Maybe it would help her to read stories from the children of poly parents, in their own words. I dont have time to dig up links right now, but I've seen them before and none reported being scarred, even if they said that they didn't think poly was right for them.
My gf's kids totally accept their parents' polyamory. To them, it's just how it is, no big deal. As they see it, the biggest consequence is extra presents at Christmas.
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Old 03-08-2013, 07:54 PM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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I have been slammed at work and haven't had much time to respond, but I've been reading responses. It's great to hear from people who have been there!

We finally got to have a really long discussion about everything. She has been basically alone in a new town for the past 2 years while her husband goes to law school. She's incredibly lonely, and while I've been totally immersed in a new job, new close friendships, etc. She definitely sees this as me replacing her. She also felt very slighted that I had kept this a secret from her for so long....she's the friend I tell everything to. Also, she felt like I was telling her now instead of before so that I could avoid her input. I assured her that NONE of that was true, I apologized for making her feel this way and not being more in tune with her needs while my life was so crazy.

But when it comes down to it, she tells me she doesn't want to talk about MD. At all. She says that she thinks I'm making a terrible mistake that is risking everything. She doesn't understand why I can't wait until my children are out of the house. Basically she sees only disaster ensuing from the whole situation, and she doesn't want to hear me complaining about drama because she thinks "Of course there's drama, it's inevitable with this". I told her I would honor her request, but that it puts a weird distance between us that has never been there before. She agreed and said maybe we're just growing apart


So there it is. I've talked to her a few times on the phone about other things, although she ocassionally brings up a "poly-horror-story" that she's heard. I just put up with listening and hope she'll come out of it soon.
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  #18  
Old 03-08-2013, 11:33 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Reading what your friend said to you made me feel really angry and hurt on your behalf. Whoa, that was some harsh stuff.

However, a thought crossed my mind. Could your BFF be harboring romantic feelings for you? Maybe feelings she can't even acknowledge to herself?

'Cause it sounds like her harsh reaction is coming from a place of personal hurt.

Just my theory. I would NOT ask her about it, though. (I may be totally wrong, and it may make things more strained between you).

I think it's great that she talked to you again and that she is sounding more reasonable now.

A short and possibly irrelevant anecdote:

When I was in high school, there was a boy I had a pretty intense crush on. He was in my group of friends, and he dated three of my closest female friends (basically one after the other), inspiring me to wild jealousy combined with the hope that my turn was next. Then he suddenly came out as gay.

I was floored. The school was very LBGT-positive, I had other gay friends, I felt very supportive of gay rights issues--but I had totally not had even the slightest clue that my crush might be gay. He came out to us (his friends) in a way that was very courageous and moving for him, but I was so confused in that moment (my mind frantically questioning everything, what did it mean that he had dated my female friends but not me and then was gay, etc) that I reacted weirdly. I blurted out something stupid, then was embarrassed and tried to turn it into a joke, which made it worse.

He was very cold to me after that, even though I apologized for the foolish comment. He never hung out with me after that, and never really talked to me about it. I kept wanting to confess to him that my reaction had been because I'd had a crush on him, but I never got the courage to tell him. When we graduated, he had a party and invited all our friends but me. I was devastated.

What I'm trying to say is, give your BFF the benefit of the doubt and keep talking to her. She's got her issues, and she's struggling, and she'll miss you if your friendship deteriorates.
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  #19  
Old 03-09-2013, 08:35 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by franchescasc View Post
She also felt very slighted that I had kept this a secret from her for so long.

But when it comes down to it, she tells me she doesn't want to talk about MD. At all.
"I don't want you to talk about it, but I'm upset that you didn't talk about it sooner."

Yeah. That makes sense.

Sorry, I'm just being bitter on your behalf.

Quote:
So there it is. I've talked to her a few times on the phone about other things, although she ocassionally brings up a "poly-horror-story" that she's heard. I just put up with listening and hope she'll come out of it soon.
Sometimes the best way to make something normal is to treat it as normal. Letting it stay taboo, this "big bad thing" that you do, only reinforces her belief that it's a big bad thing.

She doesn't want to hear about MD? Too bad. She's your friend, MD is your girlfriend, and sharing the joys of romance is a normal thing that people do with their friends. What good is a BFF if you can't call her up and tell her how awesome your date was? How would she feel if you asked her to stop talking about her husband?
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  #20  
Old 03-10-2013, 07:42 PM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Quote:
"I don't want you to talk about it, but I'm upset that you didn't talk about it sooner."

Yeah. That makes sense.
I said this exact thing to her. She says she is mad that I waited to tell her until I had it "all figured out" and didn't require her input anymore. Of course that isn't the case, but whatever. She says she's on FJ's and my children's "team", and can't get on board with MD. She just won't hear that FJ and MD are on the same "team"

@ShrodingersCat:
Quote:
What good is a BFF if you can't call her up and tell her how awesome your date was?
I'm hopeful that she'll get more comfortable with this and not draw the hard line for too long. If she does, we will grow apart, and I won't consider her a BFF anymore. This was actually something she alluded to: "We're growing apart, people change".

It's just totally ridiculous to me. I can empathize with her initial reaction, but now going forward I need her to be happy for me. If she can't be, then it shows me what kind of foundation we have
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