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  #21  
Old 03-05-2013, 02:39 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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It wil be interesting to see how you respond when he DOES find someone who is "dear to him".
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  #22  
Old 03-05-2013, 05:22 PM
FatMouse FatMouse is offline
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
It wil be interesting to see how you respond when he DOES find someone who is "dear to him".
If they genuinely love each other, if everyone's treated equally, I don't care. I'm not that posessive.

However, I don't want a lot of people involved.
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  #23  
Old 03-05-2013, 05:30 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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If they genuinely love each other, if everyone's treated equally, I don't care. I'm not that posessive.

However, I don't want a lot of people involved.
Sometimes we think we're going to feel one way about something and when it actually happens we feel differently than we thought we would.


The biggest issue here is that you're trying to force your husband to feel things as you do, and you freak out when he has his own feelings instead.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 03-05-2013 at 05:33 PM.
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  #24  
Old 03-05-2013, 06:06 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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If they genuinely love each other, if everyone's treated equally, I don't care. I'm not that posessive.

However, I don't want a lot of people involved.
I just wanted to point out that your desire not to have a lot of people involved may not be a reasonable one. What if your newer bf comes to want space for another person in his life too? You say he's not the kind who would date anyone but you -- what does that mean? What "kind" is he that's different from the "kind" you are? Sure he may feel that way now, but would you be willing to try to restrict him (which would be way hypocritical) if he felt a different way down the line, if he unexpectedly fell in love with someone else, or if he just wanted more than you were ready/able to give him but didn't see that as a reason to abandon your love?

All of that said, having metamours (people who are dating your partners) does make your life more complicated in one sense, but in another sense it's just the same as having more friends, as long as you get along with them. What is your concern... STDs, conflicting life goals? These things can be managed if all involved are willing to talk things through and be careful. Or is it maybe that on a certain level that you feel that being with multiple people means you love each one less, do you think that poly is somehow wrong and irresponsible and not truly loving? If so, maybe you're dealing with some hidden guilt about your own choices that you need to work through. Just a thought.

I will echo other posters in saying that I think it's ok to ask him to wait. BUT, in return I think it would only be fair for you to actively work to get more comfortable with the idea, so that the wait doesn't turn from "not right now" to "never". Read up on people's stories here, check out the essays at www.morethantwo.com, maybe even find a good book or two on the topic of poly.

I also gotta say, I dont think it's fair to expect that your guys should have to come to poly the same way you did -- i.e. with a love too big to ignore -- in order for it to be valid. Not everyone works that way, some people fall in love slowly, through dating casually at first. Just because they might work differently than you, does that mean your way is right and their way is wrong? In the end, what does it really matter if the result is the same? Yes, the thought may make you uncomfortable, but I would suggest that you work on that discomfort and pick it apart, see if it really makes any sense, rather than building walls and rules to enshrine it.

Best of luck!
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 03-05-2013 at 06:08 PM.
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  #25  
Old 03-05-2013, 06:45 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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If your life is so complicated right now and you're struggling with all of this, then why are you still in two relationships with two different people? The easiest way to remove the complication of too many people in your romantic sphere is to break up with your second mate.

I'm a big opponent of the notion that people have control over the actions of their partners. It's not up to you to "allow" him to date other people. You're not his legal guardian. The choice is his and his alone. You can only control your own behaviour and your reaction to the behaviour of others. You can choose whether to remain with him and support him if he starts dating someone else, or you can choose to leave. But you can't choose whether or not he's allowed to date someone else.

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It is not about "fairness" like other people are cookies. You have one so... he gets one. It is about what you are willing to be in and can do WELL. If you are not willing, do not play in that shape. Better to be CLEAR about your wants, needs, and limits.
After kindergarten, "fairness" isn't just about how many cookies everyone has. It's also about treating others the way you want them to treat you. I have a huge problem with "I'm allowed to date other people, but you're not." OK, fine, you can't accept non-monogamy in him. Then what on earth makes you entitled to that acceptance from him?

You want him to accept that you fell in love with someone else and wanted to date him, but you're not crazy about the idea of him falling in love with someone. You've made a "concession" that if he falls in love with someone who's already a good friend, then that's OK. But does he even have such a friend? Or are you really just giving him "permission" to do something that isn't even a realistic possibility?

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Originally Posted by FatMouse View Post
"You get two, I get two"

This is something he told me. And he mentioned I was being hypocritical when I got upset that he might consider adding someone else. I asked him and he said he would be unhappy if he fell for someone and had to choose or reject them.
You are being hypocritical. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. If you can't take it, don't dish it. You're the one who opened up this can of worms, don't be so startled when they start crawling out all wet and slimy.

GG said, rightly, that you can ask him not to date other people. But you need to realize that this is a request you are making, and he has the right to choose whether or not to grant your request. If he grants your request, he is also well within his right to make the same request of you, with every reasonable expectation that you will grant it.

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I don't even know if I have insecurities. I don't think I would have any if his other love was genuine and not just a woman he found. I am just not ready yet. This happened all so suddenly, during a time in my life where I'm having a load of stress at home, a load of things to sort out in my mind. I was not expecting this kind of discussion with him. At all.

I swear I do not know how I would react. I am extremely confused. I don't know if it's the fact that I can't share. I don't know. I only know I'm not comfortable with the idea, I don't know if I will be later or not... I'm just not ready. I wish he would understand that.
It sounds to me like you do have insecurities ("I can't help but feeling that he might find someone who provides what I can't provide, which would lead him to like me less."). Insecurities are about you. They are not caused by him or some hypothetical other woman. They are caused by your self-esteem, how you view yourself and your place in the world, and how much power you give other people to affect your emotions. Sometimes non-monogamy can bring pre-existing insecurities into the spotlight, but non-monogamy itself does not cause those insecurities to exist inside of you.
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  #26  
Old 03-05-2013, 06:53 PM
FatMouse FatMouse is offline
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@ Annabel

Him: Just tell them that i'm content vvith having you.
Me: Are you into Poly?
Him: Not in a vvay you think.
Him: I agreed to be in this, but i vvon't have tvvo girls, even if i could
Him: so, no. from my side, i'm not
Me: What if you ever find someone you fall in love with?
Him: There are types of guys that find their loved one and are content vvith that. i'm such a type
Him: even if you throvv a harem at me, i vvon't end up romantically attached to any

He allowed me to reply for him because he's not a member (nor he's interested)

My other mate doesn't want to have more than two women. He said he prefers what he called an "N shape relationship". He also said he will just get into that kind of relationship if he finds "a love too big to ignore", as you said.

"do you think that poly is somehow wrong and irresponsible and not truly loving?"

I thought so at first. Then I started to understand a bit more as he educated me in the subject. Then, I joined this forum to learn some more.
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  #27  
Old 03-05-2013, 07:07 PM
FatMouse FatMouse is offline
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@Cat

Hmm... I feel like you're telling me that if he meets someone, he should just date and tell me to deal with it. And I don't feel that's right. Is that what you're saying? (if I misunderstood, my apologies)
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  #28  
Old 03-05-2013, 07:18 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Fair enough!
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #29  
Old 03-05-2013, 07:35 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by FatMouse View Post
@Cat

Hmm... I feel like you're telling me that if he meets someone, he should just date and tell me to deal with it. And I don't feel that's right. Is that what you're saying? (if I misunderstood, my apologies)
Well, more or less, yeah. Or more accurately, that if he meets someone and chooses to date her, then your options are to deal with it or move on.

That doesn't mean you can't plead your case and ask him to take your feelings into consideration. It just means that, at the end of the day, it's entirely his choice whether or not he dates some new girl that he falls for.

It also means that if he's in that situation and you pressure him not to date her, you should expect him to feel resentment and jealousy that you're denying him something that he has freely given to you.

You don't have to feel it's right. I'm just some stranger on the internet with too many opinions.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #30  
Old 03-05-2013, 08:45 PM
FatMouse FatMouse is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Well, more or less, yeah. Or more accurately, that if he meets someone and chooses to date her, then your options are to deal with it or move on.

That doesn't mean you can't plead your case and ask him to take your feelings into consideration. It just means that, at the end of the day, it's entirely his choice whether or not he dates some new girl that he falls for.
Eeh... In my opinion, it's not how a relationship works, doesn't sound fair for it to work that way. I think there should be some consensus. But that's just me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
It also means that if he's in that situation and you pressure him not to date her, you should expect him to feel resentment and jealousy that you're denying him something that he has freely given to you.
I agree here.
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