Thank you everyone for your posts. I must say that I maybe left a bit of a wrong impression of myself. That is, I do not yell like a madman on a daily basis without no reason. This has only happened during really big, scary and important fights and I am in no way proud of that and have done my best lately to not do it.
Firstly. Someone asked what kind of progress have I made and there are different things. I need to make it clear though that I would be willing to accept polyamory only if it would make me happy. Would it? I am not sure. I am quite sure that I would prefer monogamy, but only because that is how I have been thinking for my whole life and that's the only way I have had the opportunity to witness with my own eyes. If my boyfriend could still give me as much love and attention as now, then I would really not care if he wanted polyamory or monogamy. As long as he does not hurt me by going crazy with NRE (which I must admit is one of my biggest fears). Another big fear is that we MIGHT understand polyamory differently. In my opinion when two people decide to go from a mono relationship to a poly one, then there should be no need to start flirting with every single girl who you might see on the street or wherever. I would respect polyamory that happens because it happens for a reason. If someone would meet someone besides their already existing partner and then they would all see if this could work out because true feelings are at stake. But I do not like, I actually hate, the idea of my boyfriend losing his mind when we go out and starting flirting with a ton of girls who just seem to have a friendly and a pretty face. This just seems wrong. As general and not 100% true my statement is, I think that attraction and real feelings should come before a group of people decide to go poly, especially if it has to do with a relationship that was mono, not that polyamory comes first and acts as if a permit to show interest in and have sex with whoever is available, basically trying everyone because you can. But I am afraid that my bf does not really believe in that, as when I asked him if I said "sure, let's try this polyamory", would he flirt with 20 girls the next Friday we go out to a party? and his response was "Why not?". Umm, ok, but how should I, the already there partner should feel about that? Having to know that my bf has found someone he truly likes and who I know would be thinkable (I am not willing to accept everything that freely yet, but getting there
), but seeing him act like a kid in a candy store would definitely hurt and in my eyes he would not be that intelligent nice guy anymore.
As to my progress, what I meant by it was that I am not fighting against anything anymore without giving it a chance (a chance in theory first)
. I have been reading lots and when I usually flipped out when I saw someone describing their polyamorous life of antidepressants, tears, loneliness, having their significant other's t-shirt to hug at night, because he in person is out having fun with some new girl, then now I don't, because my bf assures me that this is NOT what he wants for us. However, as I must admit that he is kind of naive, I am sure that he would NEVER let something like that happen on purpose, but these situations might just arise, as we are humans and I think it is ok to be afraid of those them.
However, my main problem now is that all my bf and I do with this topic is exchange articles and forum pages to read. And I feel lost and left alone to deal with all this. And today my bf really went to the library to have some of his own time and I did my stuff at home. It went very well and there was no awkwardness about it, I mean, it is only normal. But what saddened me a tiny bit was exactly the fact that when he came home, he did not focus his attention on me, but started doing the "regular at home stuff", like being on Facebook, cooking, playing computer games. I have not said anything bad about it, but as I feel that the topic of polyamory is very fresh, we should talk about it. And to be honest, I hoped that he would start the conversation, as he knows that I have struggled with it in the past, but have been very open in the last few days, reading articles he sent and sending some to him. I am doing better, but I still want help and his support, he is the one who brought this into our relationship and I am not accusing anyone in no way, but I feel like if he wants it and I have shown signs of "okay....go on?", then he should be extra positive and assuring on the topic of our love and commitment when it comes to poly. Unfortunately, I feel alone and under a burden of information and fears that he could make go away, but he seems to be too busy with his own stuff. He has always been the science-geek kind of a guy, and I have liked it, but I wish he could come down to the emotional-person level a bit more. Days ago he promised to write me a letter based on emotions and fears, like a little help-you note that I could read every time I am confused or scared and just a nice letter of saying "I am thankful that I can write to you about polyamory and I will do it in a way that makes you feel very much wanted as opposed to what you are afraid of." But, unfortunately, he has not done it. And he has not sent me forum posts of real people living a wonderful polyamorous life, only scientific reasoning on why people should be poly. This is ok, but he nows that this is not the best way to reach me, so I have been a bit disappointed, as I definitely speak the language of emotions and experience, not the language of rationality and facts.