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  #11  
Old 03-04-2013, 07:46 PM
FatMouse FatMouse is offline
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I just hope he understands...

When he told me he would be unhappy if he's not able to date, I felt guilty. So yeah...

Last edited by FatMouse; 03-04-2013 at 07:47 PM. Reason: grammar
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  #12  
Old 03-04-2013, 07:59 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by FatMouse View Post
When he told me he would be unhappy if he's not able to date, I felt guilty.
What about asking him to hold off dating others for RIGHT NOW, while you guys address some of your insecurities about the idea? Therefore you are not saying NO forever. Changing the status quo is never easy and can take some getting used to before your mentally ready to face it.

What are you afraid of? Do you even know? So many times just the thought of something sets off all our alarms and sends us into panic, but once we have time to calmly dissect it, there is really one or two items at the heart of it. Granted, they can be MAJOR factors, but once identified, solutions can be found to minimize or alleviate your insecurity.

Is it really that you can't share or is it more a fear of if you do, it will now be a competition and he will choose her?
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  #13  
Old 03-04-2013, 08:28 PM
FatMouse FatMouse is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
What about asking him to hold off dating others for RIGHT NOW, while you guys address some of your insecurities about the idea? Therefore you are not saying NO forever. Changing the status quo is never easy and can take some getting used to before your mentally ready to face it.

What are you afraid of? Do you even know? So many times just the thought of something sets off all our alarms and sends us into panic, but once we have time to calmly dissect it, there is really one or two items at the heart of it. Granted, they can be MAJOR factors, but once identified, solutions can be found to minimize or alleviate your insecurity.

Is it really that you can't share or is it more a fear of if you do, it will now be a competition and he will choose her?
I didn't want to say no forever. I wanted to wait until I'm ready to deal with the idea. All of this came so sudden and unexpectedly.

Like I said before, he once told me he was okay with just me dating two people and that was it. Now he changed his speech, told me that he lied and came up with this, caught me off guard. I'm all conflicted and my mind is a mess because of this. I don't know what to do.

I don't even know if I have insecurities. I don't think I would have any if his other love was genuine and not just a woman he found. I am just not ready yet. This happened all so suddenly, during a time in my life where I'm having a load of stress at home, a load of things to sort out in my mind. I was not expecting this kind of discussion with him. At all.

I swear I do not know how I would react. I am extremely confused. I don't know if it's the fact that I can't share. I don't know. I only know I'm not comfortable with the idea, I don't know if I will be later or not... I'm just not ready. I wish he would understand that.
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  #14  
Old 03-04-2013, 09:12 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Like I said before, he once told me he was okay with just me dating two people and that was it. Now he changed his speech, told me that he lied and came up with this, caught me off guard. I'm all conflicted and my mind is a mess because of this. I don't know what to do.
Of course you are confused an conflicted. He lied and broke trust. All the more reason to STOP and say NO. Give yourself the time you need to get calmer and get a handle on yourself. Then deal with you two getting to a more stable place also.

You guys have trust rebuilding to do. Who wants to be building new things on a shaky foundation? That's not healthy.

He does not have to understand it right now. (Be nice if he could get there though, I agree.)

Right now? He has to HEAR you and RESPECT YOUR LIMIT. You could state your position loud and clear:
"I am at my limit. I am not ready at this time. I am too stressed to take this on board right now. So the answer is NO. I do not have a time frame for when that might change, so treat it like a hard limit "No -- never, not like this with broken trust."
And he can either
a) Deal with the news, process his feelings, and treat you respectfully because he wants to Open again with your goodwill and your blessing. He could wait til time passes a bit and you can both approach this calmly and do the work to rebuild trust and prepare to Open again in a healthy way for him to be able to date.

b)Deal with the news, process his feelings, and treat you disrespectfully because he just wants this and does not care about doing it with your goodwill and blessing on board. He goes on to RUSH you to make decisions you do not want to make when you are stressed out.
Then YOU can choose the next choice:

a) He treats you well, consistently? You stay. You get comfortable. You grow more trust. You MIGHT change that to a soft limit. You might give it the green light. Only the passing of time and your trust in him will answer that. You can't know the end of the story before reading the book.

b) He treats you badly and without concern for your well being? You leave. It will hurt, but better get out of the line of fire than try to polyship with a person who doesn't care about his poly partners' well being.
Plain and simple, hon. Your stress level is telling you a MESSAGE. Listen rather than shut down. Or if you shut down, that's the big red alert that you are not just AT LIMIT here. You are BEYOND YOUR LIMIT. Put the brakes on.

Everyone has to hold their own emotional baggage. Let him be responsible for him. You be responsible for you. See if you can talk and sort it out.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-04-2013 at 10:21 PM.
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  #15  
Old 03-04-2013, 09:42 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by FatMouse View Post
Now he changed his speech, told me that he lied and came up with this, caught me off guard. I'm all conflicted and my mind is a mess because of this. I don't know what to do.
I heard a definition for "intimacy" at one point that I really liked. "Having the ability to hurt someone and not doing it". In a relationship setting this would be akin to telling my loved one something painful or humiliating to me, trusting that they would not post it on Face Book the next day, or bringing it up during an argument at some later date. I have given them something they can hurt me with and they (hopefully) have demonstrated that they will not hurt me with it - thus building intimacy between us.

Dishonesty is an intimacy killer (if we can continue to use the definition above). If I cannot depend on someone being honest with me then I am much less likely to share delicate issues with them. Will they hurt me with them? I don't know anymore.

It also sounds like you guys need to have an unambiguous conversation about how you would like this to play out. Be precise, don't make sweeping generalizations, and say what you actually mean. All of this guessing and hoping is going to end poorly.
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  #16  
Old 03-04-2013, 11:22 PM
FatMouse FatMouse is offline
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@ Gala

He said he didn't tell me at first because I was stressed out back then and he didn't want to make it worse or cause me to dump him out of anger. Do you think it might have been a (failed) attempt at protecting me and our relationship? Just wondering.

And thank you for your advice. He's not around at the moment, but we're planing to have a talk later. I hope it goes well.
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  #17  
Old 03-05-2013, 12:13 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by GSAS082612 View Post
... but my major question is, are you in a poly-triad or poly-vee. Depending on the type of relationship can explain different options and answers.
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Originally Posted by FatMouse View Post
Umm... Can you maybe explain what that means? I seriously have no idea about the terms used here
FatMouse - GSA is asking if your "second mate" is also romantically involved with your "first mate". In a "triad" all three people are involved romantically/sexually with each other. The stereotypical example is the couple (usually straight guy/ bi gal) that is looking for a girlfriend for BOTH of them. In a "Vee" two people are involved with "hinge" person but not with each other (I get the impression that this is your configuration) - this is my configuration, I have a husband and boyfriend, but they are not boyfriends to each other (although mine happen to be best friends as well) - I am the "hinge" of the Vee and they are the "arms".

Hope that helps.

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Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


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  #18  
Old 03-05-2013, 02:17 AM
FatMouse FatMouse is offline
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Ooh, I see. Thank you for the explanation!

No, my mates are not involved with each other in that way. They know each other and sometimes talk, but that's all.
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  #19  
Old 03-05-2013, 03:30 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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He said he didn't tell me at first because I was stressed out back then and he didn't want to make it worse or cause me to dump him out of anger. Do you think it might have been a (failed) attempt at protecting me and our relationship? Just wondering.
So your relationship is a delicate flower that will fall over with the first wind? Why be in such a flimsy foundation relationship then?

Or he thinks YOU are a delicate flower who can't take Life as it comes?

I suspect it is more him -- he didn't want to have to deal with it. From fear, from shirky, from whatever. For me a "soft lie" is still a lie. It's just not being honest no matter how you slice it. Now how can you polyship in a healthy way with someone you cannot trust?

Is that how you want to live your life in polyshipping? In a flimsy foundation with an untrustworthy partner? That's not choosing to Open at a time where you are as strong, and in as healthy a way as you could be Opening.

I'm not trying to be mean or the voice of doom here. Just try to keep it real over there. Could sort yourselves out. Could not proceed any further until these things are addressed to satisfactory conclusion before adding even more people to the mix.

You can polyship with whatever number all of you feel is best for your situation but could do it at a pace all of you can handle. Everyone has a polysaturation point.

How about he "protects" the relationship trust from taking dings in future by him choosing not to lie? And you could receive information in a way that creates safe pace for it to be shared. No shooting the messenger. Work on better trust, healthier conflict resolution. Communication.

Or if he is not worth it and you get too little return on your investment here -- walk away.

Only you know what it is over there. I hope your talk reaches a conclusion for you one way or the other.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-05-2013 at 03:43 AM.
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  #20  
Old 03-05-2013, 04:34 AM
FatMouse FatMouse is offline
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I think we are getting to an agreement. That's a good thing.

I asked him what the deal was. He told me he is not going to actively look for a partner. He said he wants to have a space open, in case someone who is dear to him (as my friend is to me) appears. That makes more sense to me.

I said it was all cool. I don't mind it. I only asked him to just give me some time. I said I was not ready for more people just yet, I still need to get adjusted to the whole situation (I started this sort of relationship on September last year. Not a very long time, imo) and I need to have my mind clearer. I'm stressed about a number of other things, so relationship problems are the last thing I need. He understood.

The lie problem ended up being a big misunderstanding. We talked it out too. I asked him to tell me about whatever happens and he agreed.

I guess it's all cool now (?)
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