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Old 03-03-2013, 04:55 AM
SEcondary SEcondary is offline
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Default Males wired to be secondary?

Married male and wife fell in love with someone else. She had been sexually intimate with other men for a few years with my blessings. When she told me she had fallen in love and it had to happened again I felt peace and calm come over me. Not what I expected.
I've known for years that sex with someone else was a lot better for her and I love that. I also find it a turn on that she actually needs to be in love with someone else. Shes been in a 3 year relationship now and awhile ago they told each other they feel close. My wife loves him alot but they have not told each other they love one another. His wife is ok with him seeing other women. They don't have sex.
Which is a sign things are not good between them. Now she wants a divorce. My wife and I are hoping she can spend more time with him after he moves out. They date and when they make love they are in bed for two hours most of the time. Making love and talking. I sometimes get real aroused thinking she might love him more than me.
Wonder if some men are wired to be secondary when it comes to sex and love?
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Old 03-03-2013, 05:55 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Hello and Welcome to the Forums!

You might be interested in reading this thread. As it may relate to some of what you are describing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SEcondary View Post
When she told me she had fallen in love and it had to happened again I felt peace and calm come over me. Not what I expected.

I've known for years that sex with someone else was a lot better for her and I love that. I also find it a turn on that she actually needs to be in love with someone else. Shes been in a 3 year relationship now and awhile ago they told each other they feel close. My wife loves him alot but they have not told each other they love one another.

... when they make love they are in bed for two hours most of the time. Making love and talking. I sometimes get real aroused thinking she might love him more than me.

Wonder if some men are wired to be secondary when it comes to sex and love?
I don't know that it is the same thing but ... my husband, loves me... a LOT. But he doesn't often want sex.

I think, at this point, he feels relieved that I am getting those needs met with Dude (my boyfriend). He loves seeing me all happy and sexually satisfied even though it wasn't him, directly, that was the cause. (Although, ultimately, the reason that I am able to "have my cake and eat it too" is because MrS is the man that he is...I would never have given up what I had with him to pursue Dude - luckily, in the end, I didn't have to.)

My husband seems perfectly happy to be "secondary" on the sex front...the "love" front however? Hmmm...I don't think so on that one, for us. Although he is fine with the fact that I love Dude TOO (he is the one that pointed it out to me, after all, and told me that it was "okay", that there was nothing wrong with feeling that way, when I was having my doubting/questioning time.) "More" though? - THAT might raise flags. (Actually, I don't know that it is possible for me to love someone "more" than I love my husband..."differently" perhaps, but "more" is a question-begging term.)

People are different, however...so, whatever floats YOUR boat is fine - especially if everyone else's boat is floating too .

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 03-03-2013 at 06:00 AM.
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Old 03-03-2013, 12:44 PM
SEcondary SEcondary is offline
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I know for sex he is primary with him. He is bigger than me and we found out awhile ago after she was with someone bigger she really needed that. Both of us love this way.
As far as love. When it first happened. She really needs to be in love with someone else to be able to tell me she needs to fall in love with somone else.
After it ended she mentioned feelings once. Nothing was said. After awhile she brought it up again but I think she had trouble saying it so I said love said yes and it has to happen again. She must be able to feel more love with someone else or theres some things she can't feel with me.
We have a very good marraige. Many things in common. Like each other, love each other and enjoy each other. Good communcation and trust.
With her new love she says she feels alot more love with him and feels closer to him. Nothing has changed with us. Thanks for you reply. Ron
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Old 03-03-2013, 12:54 PM
SEcondary SEcondary is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Hello and Welcome to the Forums!

You might be interested in reading this thread. As it may relate to some of what you are describing.



I don't know that it is the same thing but ... my husband, loves me... a LOT. But he doesn't often want sex.

I think, at this point, he feels relieved that I am getting those needs met with Dude (my boyfriend). He loves seeing me all happy and sexually satisfied even though it wasn't him, directly, that was the cause. (Although, ultimately, the reason that I am able to "have my cake and eat it too" is because MrS is the man that he is...I would never have given up what I had with him to pursue Dude - luckily, in the end, I didn't have to.)

My husband seems perfectly happy to be "secondary" on the sex front...the "love" front however? Hmmm...I don't think so on that one, for us. Although he is fine with the fact that I love Dude TOO (he is the one that pointed it out to me, after all, and told me that it was "okay", that there was nothing wrong with feeling that way, when I was having my doubting/questioning time.) "More" though? - THAT might raise flags. (Actually, I don't know that it is possible for me to love someone "more" than I love my husband..."differently" perhaps, but "more" is a question-begging term.)

People are different, however...so, whatever floats YOUR boat is fine - especially if everyone else's boat is floating too .

JaneQ
We have a very good marriage. Love each other, like each other, close to each other same interests and alot of trust. Never had a fight. Disagreements yes.
Awhile ago we foud out she needs someone larger than me. Its a mustnow. Much better for her. We love it this way. Her new love is.
THe first time she fell for someone else she most have felt someone she was't feeling with me.
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Old 03-03-2013, 01:35 PM
SEcondary SEcondary is offline
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Thanks for your reply. We have know for awhile that she needs someone larger than me. So as far as sex someone else will always be primary to her. We love it this way.
After she first fell in love with someone else, which did'nt last long because he moved. She latter brought up feelings with him. She did not explain what they were. The second time she brought it up I asked, "what feelings" and asked love? She said yes, it had to happen again. There must be something she can't feel with me or she feels it more with the right guy. We have a very good marriage. Common interests, love each other, like each other, close. Close and have never had a fight. Disagreements yes. and alot of trust.
She has been with her new love around three years. She says she can feel alot more love with him than me. We had talked awhile ago and talked about married women being able to give more of themselves to a lover. I visit a wife sharing site. A woman stated she a has a deep emotional connection with her lover that she has never had with her husband. Another said her lover has a part of her that her husband does'nt have. I beleive this can be some what common. When she first learned about her falling in love with someone else I just thought my needs followed hers. Now I believe I am just wired to be secondary when it comes to sex and love.

Last edited by SEcondary; 03-03-2013 at 01:55 PM.
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Old 03-03-2013, 02:34 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I wouldn't say it was males in general, though I have seen so many peaceful MFM configurations it does make me suspicious. I think there are a lot more men into cuckold and hotwife fantasies than would normally admit though and I feel that those men in particular are very comfortable in those situations.
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