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  #11  
Old 03-01-2013, 01:25 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Actually, I think your issue is just an OK Cupid issue, not a big moral issue.

When you list your status as "Married" on OKC, you don't come up in people's searches unless they have expressly selected "Married" as one of the options for what/who they are looking for. You have the choice of being "Married," "Available," "Single," etc.

Choosing "Available," rather than "Single," might widen your options without causing outright lies.

Or, you could choose "Single" as your status to increase your "searchability" on the site, while also writing in your profile that you are married to a man but are looking to date women.

In general, I think it's okay to omit information on an Internet profile (for privacy reasons at the very least), but there are many opportunities to be truthful early on, when messaging someone, on a first date, on a second, etc.

As a less-morally-charged example, when I was using OKC last year, I listed myself as living in a big city an hour away from where I actually live. I did that so I could meet men in said city, because there were much fewer options in my home area. But I always came clean about my actual area of residence when chatting with someone, so they would know about the logistical difficulties.

And now I've got a great man who lives an hour and a half away from me
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  #12  
Old 03-01-2013, 04:37 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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When I read the OP my initial response was - "Wow, SO not worth the drama/hurt feelings that are going to ensue." I was thinking along the lines that if I ever actually met up with someone from OKC and they had misrepresented a significant fact that would have been a deal-breaker for me, I would be beyond pissed off. If I found out right away upon messaging with them - I wouldn't be as pissed off but I would definitely rule them out as someone who was flagrantly untrustworthy. (but that is me)

As an example and, speaking for myself, the thing that would bother me that I could see happening is that I would meet up with a "married/poly" woman that had advertised that SHE was looking for a woman to see for HERSELF only and then finding out that she is actually looking for a woman for HER+HER HUSBAND (I don't have an objection to leaving that possibility open but am feeling boy-saturated girl-deficient and don't want to have that expectation hanging over our interactions.)

So, I could see someone who had a "looking for a female for me+him" profile that wasn't getting any action, make the decision that it was the "couple dating" thing that was the issue and change their profile to make it look like it was just wife/girlfriend who was looking for a new partner...thinking that, of course, when the "new third" actually MET said husband (who is a, of course, handsome/awesome/wonderful guy and any woman would, of course, want to be with him TOO) then the scales would miraculously fall from their eyes and the three of them would live happily ever after in "poly-fi Unicorn-having" bliss. (At some point, I will remove my tongue from cheek...this is not that point .)

(The other fear would be cheaters that are advertising as poly - NOT going to facilitate THAT.)

...

Then I read MeeraReed's post and thought about it a little more.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
Actually, I think your issue is just an OK Cupid issue, not a big moral issue.
Possibly a mix - depending on how it is presented. Your OKC profile can only ever show a little tiny slice of who you are as a person - it's meant to be the "hook" to draw people into a conversation, and most people will recognize that it is, by no means, the whole picture. But outright misrepresentation?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
When you list your status as "Married" on OKC, you don't come up in people's searches unless they have expressly selected "Married" as one of the options for what/who they are looking for. You have the choice of being "Married," "Available," "Single," etc.

Choosing "Available," rather than "Single," might widen your options without causing outright lies.

Or, you could choose "Single" as your status to increase your "searchability" on the site, while also writing in your profile that you are married to a man but are looking to date women.
I may be wrong, but I actually don't think that you can choose "available" as an option. I think "available" shows up only when you choose "married/seeing someone" AND choose "dating" under the "What I'm looking for" option.

I think that choosing "Single" so that more people have the change to see your profile and then explaining immediately in your profile WHY you have it set that way would be the most honest way to game the software. (It would also let you know if someone had actually READ your profile depending on whether they were shocked when you brought it up in messaging.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
In general, I think it's okay to omit information on an Internet profile (for privacy reasons at the very least), but there are many opportunities to be truthful early on, when messaging someone, on a first date, on a second, etc.
OK, I can see that and agree. But the bigger, more controversial, more of a deal-breaker the info could be the more of a problem it will be when the info is revealed. For me, the married/poly info is right up at the top of the list (messaging, not physically meeting type material, at the very least). If someone is looking for their "one-and-only-exclusive-mate-for-life" then it is a No-Go from the start...why cause someone (even a stranger on the internet) pain and disappointment?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
As a less-morally-charged example, when I was using OKC last year, I listed myself as living in a big city an hour away from where I actually live. I did that so I could meet men in said city, because there were much fewer options in my home area. But I always came clean about my actual area of residence when chatting with someone, so they would know about the logistical difficulties.
Ha-Ha. Point taken. You caught me out. For privacy reasons I have myself living in a different small town than the small town that I actual live in (actually "outside of"). It is a similar distance from our "big city" and in a similar direction - and is actually closer to where I work. Because I live in the middle of nowhere, I assumed that I would be the one driving/ dealing with the logistical difficulties - so I probably wouldn't disclose this until I had actually determined that they weren't crazy stalker-type people.

So we may all have our own limit when it comes to the degree of "truthiness" we are willing to disclose...

JaneQ
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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
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The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 03-01-2013 at 04:46 AM.
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  #13  
Old 03-01-2013, 05:19 AM
ValerieAOK ValerieAOK is offline
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[QUOTE=GalaGirl;187525]What shit?

I apologize if what I write is hard to read/hear and hurt you somehow. My intent is not to hurt you. I am not judging you. You will choose what you choose. You are the boss of you. I'm not going to tell you what you should and should not do. That's up to you. My intent is to try to point out other ways to go to consider if that could serve you just as good. *shrug*

I don't know how to do the quote thing right so I hope this works. I wanted to address this first. I'm not hurt by any of the responses. I'm actually very happy to get a conversation going. The shit stirring is the original post. I know it's boarder line controversial and would get more hits. So, your giving me exactly what I want, and thank you!


Now I also want to address the contradicting myself. Yes I know it seems like a contradiction, I was hurt by a lie about my husband, but more because he waited to tell me for years, and I wasn't hurt until he told me. I know this tactic of being "single" online will inflict some hurt if someone actually meets me, and I reveal the truth. But the profile its self is not hurting anyone right?

Also as an update, my profile is getting tons of traffic now. Lots of responses, even rejection responses which I never got before either, just dead silence. But still no dates, but it's only been days.

Again thank you to anyone leaving an opinion on this. Does anyone have a better site then okcupid? Or other meet ups for potential mates? I'm 3 hours from Minneapolis, I know there is a MN poly group but I don't want to pay the $15 every year for forum access. Although advertising that I'm closer to there might get me more hits, but it is a stretch for me to get to Minneapolis for dates.
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  #14  
Old 03-01-2013, 05:33 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Cool. Glad you are well.
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  #15  
Old 03-02-2013, 05:56 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ValerieAOK View Post
. Even though it's wrong, it's not really hurting anyone. It's like pot smoking in my opinion. It might not be "right" in the eyes of the law, but it's not really hurting anyone is it?
Lying hurts the person being lied to.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ValerieAOK View Post
I know this tactic of being "single" online will inflict some hurt if someone actually meets me, and I reveal the truth. But the profile its self is not hurting anyone right?
Well of course the profile's mere existence isn't causing any actual harm. If it just sat there and nobody reacted to it, ever, no harm done. But isn't the whole point of the profile for someone to actually meet you? Then they meet you and find out you're not single, and now there's a problem.


Quote:
I was merely reacting to a stigma that society shoved down my brain hole. I over came that, and I have faith that most humans can do the same.
But putting this quote together with other things you've said, are you saying that if people don't want to date you because you're married it's just because of society 'shoving' ideas into their brain? And a smarter, better person will overcome that?

Please give people credit that maybe they really are capable of thinking for themselves and making intelligent decisions. There are perfectly valid and even good reasons for not wanting to date a married person. It's not merely a 'stigma.' There are people willing to date a married person for various reasons. Why not be patient while you look for such a person, and refrain from finding fault with those who want a different sort of relationship than you do? This is their right, and a valid desire, to want to date someone who's single and available for marriage someday.

You also used the words "I got over it" elsewhere. I wouldn't want to date anyone who took the attitude that they can lie to me because I'll 'get over it.' That they can lie to me to get what they want. I would feel that they'd really reduced me to a new toy that they felt they had every right to possess, by any means, simply because they wanted it/me, with no regard to the fact that I have wants and needs of my own.
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  #16  
Old 03-02-2013, 06:19 PM
ValerieAOK ValerieAOK is offline
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I really like challenging peoples perspectives with my own, because I feel like their own perspectives be little my own. I can also appreciate others challenging my perspective, it's been one of the best ways of changing my view on the world. So thank you for keeping me thinking about this. While my choices still might not make you happy, I'm glad we have the chance to speak our minds.

I truly believe a lot of societal life based on lies of omission to make things comfortable for people to get through the day. My self included.

And Like I said, I want things to be casual. This to me means fun, perhaps toy like, you are correct in calling it that. But I still have my favorite toy from when I was a child, I've never tried to change it, and I appreciate it for what it is, care for it and in the case of a human "toy" if they chose not to participate then they are free to do so.

When I met my husband I told him flat out, I didn't think we would get serious. I wanted something, casual, fun, maybe sexual. I knew I would be moving soon after meeting him and I didn't think we would have time really to get attached. And I wouldn't want my life's ambitions to take him away from his life's ambitions. It turned out our ambitions lined up and he traveled with me across the country to live where we currently live. More then 3,000 miles.

So.. I know the direction my life is heading. Out of the most respect I can have for someone else (in my opinion) I don't want to just assume people will want to travel with me (metaphorically). I truly just want to date some girls, learn how to wine and dine them, romance them, have fun new experiences. As if I'm a single female.

Let me ask this in a different way.. what does it really mean to be single? How am I really any different? I feel like my husband is just like a best friend. Best friends don't get in the way of dating do they? My best friend in high school did not. Sure I'm committed to staying with him, but does that mean I have to devote all my time to him? Is that maybe how being single status is so different? I won't have time for the new person?
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  #17  
Old 03-02-2013, 10:42 PM
FatMouse FatMouse is offline
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You should never lie about something like that.
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  #18  
Old 03-03-2013, 12:19 AM
ValerieAOK ValerieAOK is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FatMouse View Post
You should never lie about something like that.
Why not? What's the big difference between someone married and single anyway?
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  #19  
Old 03-03-2013, 12:28 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Because if you are willing to lie to any potential partner about your current relationship status what else are you willing to lie about in regards to current or potential partners?
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  #20  
Old 03-03-2013, 12:50 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ValerieAOK View Post
I really like challenging peoples perspectives with my own,
So what perspective are you challenging in this thread? The perspective that being honest with other people is good, wise, kind, and/or respectful? The perspective that truthfulness from the start is a better foundation for relationships than lies? If so, go ahead and back that up.


Quote:
I truly believe a lot of societal life based on lies of omission to make things comfortable for people to get through the day. My self included.
If 'lies by omission' include 'omitting' to tell someone you think they're fat or ugly...yes, we all do that. It's called common courtesy. It's called kindness. We are not obligated to voice every thought that flits through our minds. But there is a moral obligation to be upfront about important facts that affect other people. Such as that we're married, when we want to date.

Quote:
This to me means fun, perhaps toy like, you are correct in calling it that. But I still have my favorite toy from when I was a child, I've never tried to change it, and I appreciate it for what it is, care for it and in the case of a human "toy" if they chose not to participate then they are free to do so.
Most people don't want to be someone else's toy to be cared for. And how are they free to make an educated choice when you withhold pertinent facts?

Quote:
I truly just want to date some girls, learn how to wine and dine them, romance them, have fun new experiences.
Please make sure in your dating profile that you're upfront you want to use them as a learning tool, like a chalkboard or an old junker car, while you hone your skills.


Quote:
As if I'm a single female.
But you're not.

I'd sometimes like to behave as if I'm child-free. But I'm not. I'd like to live in a penthouse in NYC as if I'm a billionaire. But I'm not.

Quote:
Let me ask this in a different way.. what does it really mean to be single? How am I really any different? I feel like my husband is just like a best friend. Best friends don't get in the way of dating do they? My best friend in high school did not. Sure I'm committed to staying with him, but does that mean I have to devote all my time to him? Is that maybe how being single status is so different? I won't have time for the new person?
You may not see it as any different. You may even argue circles around someone by continually saying, but why? but why? but why? That doesn't change the fact that another person may see it as different, and may not want to date a married woman, and ought to be given the full information necessary to make that choice. None of your arguments are going to change the very real fact that many people, probably most, are not going to appreciate getting involved with someone and only later finding out she's married.

You know, you started this thread by saying you can't get what you want by being honest on your profile. So you want to be a little less honest so you can have what you want. Getting what we want is not really the hallmark of a mature life, well-lived. It's a child's mode of thinking. Living with integrity and honesty, respecting others, accepting that we don't get everything we want in this life...these are the signs of maturity and adulthood.

As someone else said, nobody here can make you do or say anything on your profile. It's yours. Do as you will. Just don't be surprised when people are not terribly happy with you on finding out the full truth.
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