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  #91  
Old 03-01-2013, 10:03 PM
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"I keep re-iterating my points that I'm not having my needs met. She claims that's not her job."
It might not be her "job," but it might be a requisite for her staying in a marital relationship with you.

I am aware of her history of fibbing, and wonder how much of the truth she is telling you now, such as about what the occasional-FWB friend has said to her. I also wonder if she's telling her boyfriend that everything's fine between you and her.

As the others have pointed out, you have to keep an eye on whether this marriage is good for you, and on whether it's good for the kids.

Do please keep us posted, regardless.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
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  #92  
Old 03-01-2013, 11:11 PM
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I keep re-iterating my points that I'm not having my needs met. She claims that's not her job.
Hi TN, I've been following your post for a while but haven't spoken up until now. I'm so sorry that you're going through this, I can't imagine how painful it is for you.

This line, in particular, though is alarming to me. Not her job? As you said, "au contrair!" It absolutely IS her job as your wife! When she married you, I would imagine her vows were not "until she got tired of doing it and would rather be with someone else". I happen to agree with the thinking that when you marry someone, not only are you promising to love them for the rest of your life, you're also promising to either fuck them or make sure that their sexual needs are taken care of otherwise for the rest of your life. You have been a saint up to now, putting up with her blatant disrespect towards both you and your marriage. I know you've said that you have a breaking point but you just haven't hit it yet and I have to commend you, because mine would have been a while ago. But have you thought about what your breaking point might actually be? It may help you to have a clear idea in your mind of what is too far.

There is a difference between being caught up in NRE and actively trying to trash your marriage in favor of a new relationship. I actually just recently posted about my own concern about the NRE in my relationship with my new boyfriend and how I wanted to make sure it didn't adversely affect my marriage - and that's because I still WANT my marriage. She does not give any indication in either word or deed that she still wants her marriage and in fact has been doing the opposite.

I think that you likely feel that you have to stick it out to the bitter, butt clenching end and I understand that. I know I always want to make sure I don't have any "what-if's" when ending a relationship, however from my outsider perspective here, I don't know what else you could possibly do to save your relationship with her as she pretty clearly does not want to do the same.

I would not presume to tell someone what to do in their relationship, however I would suggest that you think about what YOU need and whether she is able and willing to give that to you. YOU need to have your needs met, both emotionally and sexually. YOU need her to put in more face time with you and your family, etc. Then, if she is not willing or able to provide these things, you should maybe ask yourself if you can honestly continue in a relationship where you are asked to give so much and expected to accept so little.
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  #93  
Old 03-01-2013, 11:15 PM
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Amen.
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  #94  
Old 03-02-2013, 01:58 AM
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Thanks for your words, naturalblue. I feel this week, I am very close to that breaking point. Last night, when she was practically threatening to ditch our date night to be with her guy, I was running various break-up scenarios through my head, planning to make the break. But she relented and went on the date night with me, and even though it was full of a lot of her NRE-induced B/S, she did go home with me and sleep in our bed. Today she was actually kind to me the few times we communicated, but she is headed out tonight to be with her guy and won't be back until tomorrow night. She knows about my 24-hour rule, and we'll see if she tests me on that again.

I've decided what I'm going to do about that. If she crosses 24 hours and is not home, I'm going to call her. If she comes up with some lame excuse, or downright refuses to come home, or tries to invalidate my feelings again, I'm going to go ahead and call off the polyamory, and call her guy and talk to him about that (because honestly I don't trust her to relay my frustration to her guy adequately). Then we'll finally get some resolution one way or another.
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  #95  
Old 03-02-2013, 02:55 AM
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It seems that she doesn't "see" you anymore. NRE can be powerful stuff and blinding. The fact that you are putting your foot down and making an effort not to be lost in the fog shows me that you are in it but is it with two feet or just the one?

It can be frustrating to watch the NRE. Sometimes it's cutesy but including, sometimes it's down right meddlesome.

Hopefully she wakes up and realizes you hurt so.
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  #96  
Old 03-02-2013, 03:42 AM
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Would more emotional-based communnication help? Trying to describe what you feel like when a boundary gets overdrawn, the physical feelings, pits in your stomach, headaches, etc. ... how it affects your mind, creates confusion and makes you wonder if she really cares about you ... how it affects your heart, how you feel like she is leaving you for another man and it is tearing you up inside, it is making you feel like you're losing your self-esteem ... and even spiritual, how it is causing you to feel as if you are lost in the woods and cannot find your way out.

The above is mostly guesswork on my part, but think of it as an example of what describing the full range of effects would look like. I honestly don't think she knows how much she's hurting you. She sees it on some technical level, but not in any way that really means anything to her.

I feel it's apparent that your marriage is hanging on by a thread. I am trying to think of any last-resort measures that haven't been tried.

Perhaps in a separate conversation, you and she should talk about how the kids feel about all this, how their mother makes them feel. Could even be a conversation that the kids participate in.

I definitely wouldn't trust W to convey information to her boyfriend. You need to get in touch with him directly and let him know how bad things are. You might be surprised to see that he is rather shocked.
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  #97  
Old 03-02-2013, 02:54 PM
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Somewhere in this I think she heard, or read the mantra that she can't make him feel anything ....that he's responsible for his feelings and that also extends to his needs being met.

I'm not sure the emotional base communication will work outside someone saying sorry youre having a hard time getting your emotions or your reactions under control. Sorry youre having a hardtime getting your needs met in some alternative fashion ...like I did/ do.
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  #98  
Old 03-02-2013, 03:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Somewhere in this I think she heard, or read the mantra that she can't make him feel anything ....that he's responsible for his feelings and that also extends to his needs being met.
My ex-husband subscribed wholeheartedly to this philosophy... And while it's true, it still doesn't mean the other person gets to act like a jerk without repercussion. I will have those feelings and I will (eventually, when pushed enough) act on them - if you're not on board with working them out with me, then I'm willing to bet you're not going to like the way I try to work them out.

Good luck to you, TN (and I'm sorry, but I can't call you "Tennessee" without doing the Chumley voice in my head ). I hope for the best for you...
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  #99  
Old 03-05-2013, 02:10 AM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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During the counselling session tonight I'm think I'm going to bring up the idea of ending the polyamory vigorously and see how the W and the counselor react. She's no closer to giving me what I want, and is getting angrier and more controlling by the minute. Last night I had to endure a lengthy rant about my FB posts cluing people in to the fact that I was alone with the girls, and she had to "justify" it to a bunch of close friends.

Then today she came down hard on me for scheduling a date with the wife of the "friend" I mentioned a few days ago, because she is afraid I will spill the beans with her and cause her more "grief".

More controlling behavior. I can't talk or see hardly anyone around here any more. I just have to live in my little chaste bubble while she f**** her guy multiple times/week. I've had it.
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  #100  
Old 03-05-2013, 04:43 AM
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She might regret all this stuff she's did someday ... but not until after the heavy consequences become real.
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