Online Dating...When to Mention Poly?

[turtleHeart]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Everyone thinks that is the case, but that statement would probably be true if amended to say that women in their 20s and 30s get tons of messages. Older women do not. I sure wish I had a backlog of messages to sort through!

*hugs* I'm mostly going by the limited experiences of my wife, friends (mostly in their 20s/30s as you mention), and my mom who is in her mid 50s. It's funny being at my mom's house and hearing her computer ping every ~30 minutes as she gets a message. Maybe she should write a book ;-) She's open to dating guys between 35 and 75, provided they're fit enough to go outdoors with her. I just hope she leaves enough time outside of dating to finish her masters degree.

[WhatHappened]

Originally Posted by ManofDiscovery

'Well I'm sure there's plenty of girls like that on pof, but I'm not one of them. I want more than just friends with benefits, which is essentially what you're offering'.

Then I try to explain why it's not friends with benefits...it can be a committed relationship like any other, but without the unnecessary locked in monogamy...

Even though I've been seeing a poly man for 15 months now, I'd be interested to hear what kind of commitment you envision offering, and what commitment in a poly relationship means to you, and what you told her about how that differs from friends with benefits.

I talked with one poly man on OKC who explained thoroughly in his profile all the benefits he and his wife would be getting out of him dating another woman--but he apparently had no answer as to what the woman was going to get out of dating a married man.

To be clear, I'm quite content for many reasons with seeing a married man, as long as it's all above board with his wife. I get many benefits out of the particular man, but I think it's a question you need to be prepared to answer if you want someone to consider a poly situation.

Also, although BF sees himself as being 'committed' to me, I don't see him as being in any way committed to me, for a few reasons: he's not going to pay my bills if I get sick. He's unlikely to be here with me in my old age. He's not going to share his retirement with me. He's not going to help me with my children.

And here's a big one: If he gets offered a promotion or transfer that requires moving away, he and his wife are going...together. He's not taking me and my kids, and I don't expect he'd turn it down to stay here with me.

So, what does commitment mean to you when you tell a woman you can be in a committed relationship with her while seeing other people, that it's not just friends with benefits?

And when would you normally bring them up?

Others, speaking from the poly point of view, have said immediately. I think that answer is also true from the non-poly point of view. I would be very unhappy to be trading e-mails with a man, and go to meet him, only to find out he was married and hoping I'd consider it. I'd feel like a bait and switch had just been pulled on me. Upfront, right there in the profile from the get-go is the only way.

all to no avail.

How do you people approach these discussions? And how do you know when you're dealing with someone who isn't going to come on board, no matter what you say, vs someone who needs some time to process what you're saying, but may come around in time?

Are you asking how you can convince someone to see sense, and change their ideas to match yours? I've bolded some of the words that hold those connotations. (And I'm perhaps overstating just a little, to make the point.)

The first answer is to tell people from the start you're poly. The second is to accept people as they are rather than coming at it from an angle of trying to make them 'come on board' your train. Accept that they may like, and have every right to ride, their own train and to want a person who will be monogamous with them.

It sounds like you and this woman are not a match. Many women are not going to want polyamory, and that's okay. Don't try to convince them to accept a relationship style they don't want.

[BoringGuy]

I just don't get it how people GO OUT LOOKING FOR RELATIONSHIPS, like they're shopping for a house. Does this approach EVER WORK? It MUST, or there wouldn't be like all these "dating websites". I've never done it that way. I just meet people however I meet them and deal with the dynamics on a case-by-case basis. But then again I also have very little experience with job interviews because I have gotten 90-95% of all the jobs I ever interviewed for. Go figure, or whatever...

[Cleo]

Originally Posted by BoringGuy

I just don't get it how people GO OUT LOOKING FOR RELATIONSHIPS, like they're shopping for a house. Does this approach EVER WORK? It MUST, or there wouldn't be like all these "dating websites". I've never done it that way. I just meet people however I meet them and deal with the dynamics on a case-by-case basis.

I don't really see it as looking for relationships, more like looking to meet people and then see where it can go. Maybe I was biased before going into online dating, because I have been on a hobby-related forum for a long time, through which I met many people eventually IRL - some of them I just spent a nice evening with, some of them became friends, some of them became people who helped me in my career, some became really close friends.
So when I started online dating I was open and positive about the possibilities of meeting people on the internet. And for me it has worked, yes.

[JaneQSmythe]

Originally Posted by WhatHappened

Even though I've been seeing a poly man for 15 months now, I'd be interested to hear what kind of commitment you envision offering, and what commitment in a poly relationship means to you, and what you told her about how that differs from friends with benefits.
....
Also, although BF sees himself as being 'committed' to me, I don't see him as being in any way committed to me, for a few reasons: he's not going to pay my bills if I get sick. He's unlikely to be here with me in my old age. He's not going to share his retirement with me. He's not going to help me with my children.

And here's a big one: If he gets offered a promotion or transfer that requires moving away, he and his wife are going...together. He's not taking me and my kids, and I don't expect he'd turn it down to stay here with me.

So, what does commitment mean to you when you tell a woman you can be in a committed relationship with her while seeing other people, that it's not just friends with benefits?

I can't speak for MoD or your boyfriend but I can address that from MY standpoint - a lot of the things that you bring up here ARE part of what I see as part of the committed relationship that I am offering to my boyfriend when it comes to being in a relationship with a married woman:

• Mutual Financial support
• Being there in Old Age
• Sharing Retirement
• Moving Together if job requires (although I don't anticipate this)
• (we don't have kids so that doesn't apply - but if we did, they would be part of this as well)

Now, these are not things that I offered him as automatically happening when we started seeing each other (asking someone out/ exploring your attraction is not a proposal of life-time commitment). BUT, I was offering that our relationship COULD grow and evolve to that level (which it has been) if that is the direction things went.

As far as I can see, the only things that I CAN'T offer him (which would probably be expected in a long-term committed mono relationship as opposed to poly relationship):

• Legal Marriage
• Exclusivity

So, for me, commitment in poly doesn't mean anything too much different than it does in mono - aside from the obvious (i.e. not "forsaking all others").

JaneQ

[JaneQSmythe]

Originally Posted by BoringGuy

I just don't get it how people GO OUT LOOKING FOR RELATIONSHIPS, like they're shopping for a house. Does this approach EVER WORK? It MUST, or there wouldn't be like all these "dating websites". I've never done it that way. I just meet people however I meet them and deal with the dynamics on a case-by-case basis. But then again I also have very little experience with job interviews because I have gotten 90-95% of all the jobs I ever interviewed for. Go figure, or whatever...

BG - I 100% agree with you on this. I have never "Looked For" a relationship in my life - for me they are just something that "happens" as you meet people and incorporate them into your life. Then, again, I also have very little relationship experience - a grand total of...TWO (these two to be specific). So you might say that I have gotten 100% of the relationships that I have interviewed for

Interestingly, I have had a similar experience to you on the "job interview" front as well - I have actually never been turned down for a job - so I don't have to do it very often. Hmmm...all of my college/grad school applications were accepted as well. (Maybe I only "interview" for relationships/jobs/schools that I am really well suited for?)

JaneQ

PS. One of my friends, noticing my tendency to have life seem to "magically fall in place" for me - says that I have an amazing ability to "Forrest Gump" my way through life. I think it has to do with our differences in perspective - she is very "goal" oriented, whereas I generally have a "plan" (and two or three back-up plans) but no specific "goal" in mind - I like to leave things as open and flexible as I can, so that if an unforeseen opportunity arises, then I am in a position to take advantage of it.

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Everyone thinks that is the case, but that statement would probably be true if amended to say that women in their 20s and 30s get tons of messages. Older women do not. I sure wish I had a backlog of messages to sort through!

Not even all women in their 30s. I get maybe 3 messages a month.

I think it has a lot to do with what you're looking for, how many cutesy pictures you have, and whether or not you say right up front that you are married and not looking to fuck around.

Originally Posted by BoringGuy

I just don't get it how people GO OUT LOOKING FOR RELATIONSHIPS, like they're shopping for a house. Does this approach EVER WORK? It MUST, or there wouldn't be like all these "dating websites".

Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe

BG - I 100% agree with you on this. I have never "Looked For" a relationship in my life - for me they are just something that "happens" as you meet people and incorporate them into your life.

When I was younger (late teens, early 20s) I would sometimes fall into the trap of looking for relationships. It never worked out. If I did meet someone that way, it was short lived and unfulfilling. Whenever I gave up and decided to be happy being single, I would inevitably meet someone who fit right into my life at the time. That was true right up until I met my husband when I had decided I absolutely did not want a serious relationship at the time. Oh Universe, how ironic thou art.

But that being said, I do have a profile on OKC, and I did meet my girlfriend that way. But at the time, neither of us was actually "looking for" a relationship, we were both just open to the possibility of perhaps meeting someone. Since we were both busy people, that seemed a reasonable way to go about it. She had come out of a bad relationship a year before and had taken a break from dating. At the end of the year, she decided to re-open her OKC profile. She saw that we matched around 90% and messaged me with something along the lines of "I always contact cute girls who match me over 90%. I'm not looking for anything necessarily, but would you be interested in coffee?" and it just went smoothly from there.

I think the #1 most important rule of dating is to be 100% happy and secure with yourself and your life, by yourself. You can't bring anything positive into a relationship if you're looking for it to fill some hole in your life. Nobody [who is healthy] wants to be relied upon to fix you or your situation. Once you have your own life in order and you're happy being single, things tend to just fall into your lap. The catch is you can't try to fool fate by "making yourself happy just so you can find a mate." You have to be sincerely making yourself happy for your own sake.

[BoringGuy]

Originally Posted by Cleo

I don't really see it as looking for relationships, more like looking to meet people and then see where it can go. Maybe I was biased before going into online dating, because I have been on a hobby-related forum for a long time, through which I met many people eventually IRL - some of them I just spent a nice evening with, some of them became friends, some of them became people who helped me in my career, some became really close friends.
So when I started online dating I was open and positive about the possibilities of meeting people on the internet. And for me it has worked, yes.

That is what i'm talking about. I've been "meeting" people "online" that way like you just said since 1985. But this THREAD is about specifically online DATING.

[BoringGuy]

Originally Posted by BoringGuy

That is what i'm talking about. I've been "meeting" people "online" that way like you just said since 1985. But this THREAD is about specifically online DATING.

Ok, and nobody jump up my ass for saying "this thread is about" something. I never said people can't talk about things. I'm just saying that my comment about "looking" for relationships was directed at the title and thrust of the original post. The original post is about when to mention you're poly in an online DATING situation, which to me implies that a person went online LOOKING for a "relationship" - not that they went to a forum for gamers or hiking and just happened to meet people that way with whom they became friends in real life. If we didn't have the internet, i'd be asking myself "i wonder why people go LOOKING for relationships in coffee-shops", and someone would inevitably have to point out "but i just go there to drink coffee and sometimes i make friends". That isn't what i meant.

Some people understood though.

[ManofDiscovery]

Although the thread was about online dating, it can easily be expanded into 'when do you mention the poly thing with new partners'.

And yes, some people use the internet to find new relationships. Some people use bars. Some people use work. Some people use their train spotting and stamp collecting clubs (those two are my personal favourites).

Is any one method superior to another? Is it better that you found a partner when you weren't actively looking, as opposed to when you are? Personally I don't see the difference, but that's not what I started the thread for.