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  #91  
Old 02-28-2013, 08:20 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Are you saying he is suicidal? Could let go and point him to appropriate care. Could call 911 to report him, his therapist, his wife. In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255. If he is at that place he needs pro care and YOU are not pro care. Do not get in the way of the patient getting the health care he needs from sentimental feelings. Care is care. Sort the feelings LATER. This is a life at risk if he is in that place and needs to be on suicide watch for his best healths.

Are you saying he is having you hold his rope and making it hard to leave? Could warn him you are letting go of the rope... and then let go of the rope. If he is not willing to experience yucky feelings and using you for a shield? That's him not willing to deal with life as it comes. That's not a good enough reason to stay in a thing that is not joyous for you.

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Problem is he's told me his life is over if he loses me and that he does not think he can get through this time. Your "Shooting the horse" analogy may not be an analogy In this case.
What do you mean? Could you clarify? Horse is horse to me. I cannot see the difference here. White, brown, black horse... all horse. None of it is gonna be FUN. The horse could need to be put down to end suffering. Shoot, drop rope, whatever the method that suits the situation best. If the overall need is for a "dead horse outcome" the method doesn't really matter. It just needs to end.

Could apply merciful release one way or the other so all can unsuffer. Before you get to that place, you could need time to prepare to deal in horse and agther your strength together. So... could prepare then. Steel yourself to do the job in front of you. Even the sucky jobs.

I'm sorry this is happening.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-28-2013 at 10:51 PM.
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  #92  
Old 02-28-2013, 08:21 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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You are responsible for you, not for him. You need to be at peace with your life and your decisions. Staying in a relationship because the other person can't live without you isn't a good enough reason to stay if that relationship doesn't build you up and bring you joy.
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  #93  
Old 02-28-2013, 10:16 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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This is controlling behavior, using guilt ("I will hurt myself") in order to manipulate you.

Someone else (I think maybe on this forum?) once said that when you hear comments that imply that your partner will be suicidal if you leave, reframe it in the following way: they are threatening someone's life if you leave them. Would it be so easy to take responsibility for him if he threatened someone else's life rather than his own?

The person he's threatening (himself? someone else?) really doesn't matter when you look at it in this context, and it's much easier to focus the responsibility where it belongs - on him. Point him toward help, but take care of yourself.
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  #94  
Old 03-01-2013, 10:54 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Was it this?
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Originally Posted by Emm View Post
Would he be as willing to stick around if she was threatening to harm someone else if he left? "I'll kill myself" as a threat seems to be more socially acceptable than "I'll kill my neighbour", but really they're pretty much the same - an attempt by person A to hang a life on the line and make it person B's fault when the line breaks. In the latter case it's just more obvious that it's not person B's fault at all.
I still don't remember who I stole the concept from, so it may have been another post you saw.
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  #95  
Old 03-01-2013, 01:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
Was it this? I still don't remember who I stole the concept from, so it may have been another post you saw.
*dingdingdingdingding*
That's it! I had a vague recollection of the post, but couldn't remember the actual verbage, or poster. Thanks!
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  #96  
Old 03-03-2013, 02:12 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Wants2BEqual,

I've read through this whole thread so far, so let me try to simplify the situation:

If you stay with this guy, then:
  • You won't be happy if his wife stays in the picture.
  • He won't be happy if his wife is out of the picture.
Unless one of the two parts of that conflict changes, it is obviously better for you to leave this guy.

So, do you think either of those two parts will change? Will you become able to be happy with his wife still in the picture? Will he become able to be happy with his wife gone from the picture? If the answer to those questions is, "No," then it's better for you to leave him.

I guess the problem is that you keep hoping he'll change, let his wife go, and keep you without that complication. He is seeing a therapist, after all. Maybe the therapist will convince him to choose, just you or just his wife. One thing to consider, though, is that the therapist hasn't convinced him of that so far.

What might be useful is for you to decide how long you want to wait for him to change. Not just, how much can you stand, but, how much is fair and reasonable? In some way, you should probably also account for the years you've already waited. Sure the circumstances have shifted to and fro over the years, but the upshot is that you've been made second chair, to his wants and to his wife's wants. Just think to yourself, "I've endured bad treatment for how long?" Figure it out. Figure out how much bad treatment you've endured so far. Then ask yourself, "How much longer is it fair and reasonable to ask myself to endure more bad treatment?"

Right now, he is treating you bad. He is asking you to live in a situation that he knows would make you unhappy. I think that is bad treatment. Why would he put you in this kind of predicament if he loves you?

I think it's pretty awful the times he's walked off on you and left you hanging. For how long? That's bad treatment. Is he going to stop doing things like that to you?

It might also help if you try to step outside the situation, as if it were not you in this situation, but rather, a dear friend. If a dear friend of yours was in the kind of situation that you're in, what counsel would you give to your dear friend? What would you want for your friend?

I don't want to try to tell you what to do. If you want to give this guy some more time for the therapy to take effect, and just to change in general, then I won't complain if you do so. But I would ask you to decide upon a very concrete timetable. Exactly how long it would be fair and reasonable to wait.

Try to be analytical about this, and have some mercy for yourself at the same time. How can you reduce the amount of suffering that you have to go through?

I hope things will improve for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #97  
Old 03-05-2013, 11:19 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
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Thanks Kevin Your post is very thoughtful thank you. Gives me much to think about. It seems very sound.
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  #98  
Old 03-06-2013, 11:56 PM
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No problem; I'm pulling for you.
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  #99  
Old 03-09-2014, 06:54 PM
happytovee happytovee is offline
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Update? I just read all ten pages after finding this thread on a vee search. Doesn't sound workable. The guy sounds incredibly immature and selfish. Hard to figure out why either of the women involved would want him to begin with. Surely you can do better. It is clear that he cares for no one but himself.
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  #100  
Old 03-09-2014, 08:54 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Catching up on this long sad story.

I do understand the pain of the male in this story - as I watched the male in our failed triad go through much of the same. Like your story, the wife encouraged the triad; after she changed her mind, she screamed betrayal and created her own self-fulfilling prophesy. I was gone from their house a year (and through two marriage counselors) when they separated. It's now been over a yeR since they separated, and the finalization of the divorce is imminent.

The difference between your guy and the one I was involved with? Although he too initially believed that if his wife had been on board once, she could be again, when she asked me to leave, he accepted this was not the case. Logic prevailed; not emotionally driven wishful thinking. He then spent the next year trying to repair their marriage - issues that rose to the surface perhaps due to my presence, but issues that were there long before me. When he had exhausted every means at his disposal to reach some kind of mutual understanding with his wife, and it became apparent that nothing less than his total capitulation would make her happy, he left. He left because it was logical thing to do - although every emotion screamed for him to stay. He has struggled emotionally, doubting himself (especially with two children to consider), but logically there was no way for the two of them to have a happy marriage.

Your guy is not accepting the logic. His feelings are his total guide, which accounts for his changeability. I don't believe his intent is to manipulate. I do believe he is failing to accept reality.
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