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Old 02-28-2013, 04:47 AM
ValerieAOK ValerieAOK is offline
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Question Lie by omission.

So, I have had a profile up on okcupid for.. going on 3 years now.. Yes I live in a smaller town so I didn't expect much, but for 3 years I got not even one response, and maybe one visit a month to my profile. No one intiated contact and I got one response out of messaging every single gay woman on the site in my area....

After talking for a long time with my husband about this he agreed he was the most likely reason I didn't get any responses. He agreed with me in deleting the married status, and removing any and all references to my "family" or "we". So on okcupid, I look like a single female.

Has it worked? Yes so far, but it is too early to tell. I've gotten more profile views in the last 24 hours then I did in those three years. And I've gotten several responses to messages I sent out.

Of course I'm worried about lying to potential dates. Yes I would prefer it if I could attract someone despite being married, but ugh.. I just want to date girls, even casually, just to gain some confidence, experience and who knows, maybe I can charm someone to the point that being married doesn't matter to them.

So.. am I really wrong in your opinion in doing this? Is this morally wrong? My husband is fine with it. Is this really just a lie of omission? I do plan on telling anyone that either wants to go out for an actual date, or someone who happens to ask about past relationships.

Will this do more harm than good? Who knows, but right now I just want some dates! I just want to go out with a few girls. I won't bring my husband, and he doesn't really want a relationship with another woman, other then maybe becoming friends with them if I see them more then a handful of times. And I really really don't want to go the gay bar looking for someone. I'm just not a bar person, and I feel like I would be even more awkward trying to hit someone up at a bar then online.

If I knew of any other way of drumming up some interest or finding a date I would try it. Too bad I'm not closer to Minneapolis, I feel like the population there would make my chances higher for scoring a date or two.
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Old 02-28-2013, 05:00 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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That's a lot like asking this:

I lied to friend B, but friend A knows about it and doesn't care-is that wrong?

The answer is yes. It's wrong.

Lying to people is wrong.
Lying to people who you want to consider dating is also setting yourself up for a nightmare of drama.

If they aren't interested in dating you because you are married, they aren't a good match for dating you. Basic incompatibility.
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Old 02-28-2013, 05:42 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post

If they aren't interested in dating you because you are married, they aren't a good match for dating you. Basic incompatibility.
Isn't that the paradox, or conundrum, or irony (one of those it must be):

A) I'm married, but I can date other people too! Yay for me!

B) I'm married, but nobody else wants to date me because of that. Woe is me!




Be thankful for what you have instead of moaning about what you do not have.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 02-28-2013 at 05:44 PM.
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Old 02-28-2013, 05:45 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Since it pings your ethics you could choose to listen. I understand you feel frustrated. Could choose to stay true to your values anyway.

Could strive for accuracy and put more info IN maybe. State you are married. Exploring poly. And want nothing more at this time than some good dates with women to have that experience. A good Opening. Rather than having a full blown open relationship. A date with someone is not a full blown thing. You want some dates. Maybe there are others who want same?

Your want to polyship is want not a need. I mean that kindly but firmly. It comes with the territory. You can Open. That is great to share with DH... that loving trust. Does not mean anyone will automatically Enter into relationship with you guys though.

Could choose to cultivate patience. Could choose to not start lying by omission in your profile. Seems a waste of energy to not put it on there, go on a date, then have a hooha because that could have been put out there before the date.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-28-2013 at 07:55 PM.
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Old 02-28-2013, 07:06 PM
ValerieAOK ValerieAOK is offline
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Okay, so I must admit. I'm learning from the internet world, that the best way to get yourself some attention is to stir up a little sh*t. So, where is my sh*t stir stick?

I know it's "wrong" to lie to someone. I guess I'm not as clear in words as I am in my own head. Even though it's wrong, it's not really hurting anyone. It's like pot smoking in my opinion. It might not be "right" in the eyes of the law, but it's not really hurting anyone is it? Well other then the people who get busted for it. I ascribe by the philosophy of anarchy. If you haven't checked out Stefan Molynuex he explains anarchy and the non-aggression axiom much better then I.

My husband lied to me when I met him. He told me he was straight, but right before we got married he confessed that he is actually bi, and had actually been with a few men in the past. It hurt, I was mad, I was confused, but I still love him in the end. I was merely reacting to a stigma that society shoved down my brain hole. I over came that, and I have faith that most humans can do the same.
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Old 02-28-2013, 07:17 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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What shit?

Quote:
So.. am I really wrong in your opinion in doing this? Is this morally wrong?
You ask for feedback on that and people answer.

I apologize if what I write is hard to read/hear and hurt you somehow. My intent is not to hurt you. I am not judging you. You will choose what you choose. You are the boss of you. I'm not going to tell you what you should and should not do. That's up to you. My intent is to try to point out other ways to go to consider if that could serve you just as good. *shrug*

Quote:
It might not be "right" in the eyes of the law, but it's not really hurting anyone is it?
That seems to imply that in your heart of hearts you know it is not ok with YOU.

YOU are someone, right? So far it's caused you this much brain space and heart space to contemplate doing. Are you experiencing peace of mind? You do not seem to be. That's a kind of hurt. Not a HUGE hurt like getting run over the bus would feel like but a ping in the heart there somewhere.

Again I see that you are frustrated you have not gotten more nibbles to your profile. It is disappointing. But it is what it is. I am sorry you feel frustrated.
  • If you are willing to ignore your ping as the price of admission, then go ahead. It's your profile -- take stuff out. See if it serves you better than the current profile. Deal with the price of admission -- not having full peace of mind for a time because you got a ping. Deal with the dating potentials reactions when you do disclose.
  • If you are unsure of your willingness to make changes like that by leaving stuff out... I'm just trying to point out OTHER things you could do to make changes in your profile to put more info IN to see if that will serve you better than the current profile AND let's you have peace of mind ping-free while making the changes too.

Maybe there's other suggestions for profile management that other people could think of. Who knows?

In the end, you have to determine what is best for you and your profile and balance it against your wants, needs, limits and best healths. You determine what you feel like dealing with/in.

You are in a time of discernment. Spend the time to sort yourself out -- is all I'm saying. I just do not recommend not being true to yourself. That feels gross to me if/when I go there so I try not to go there to begin with.

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-28-2013 at 07:58 PM.
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  #7  
Old 02-28-2013, 08:18 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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On line dating is hard on people and from what I can tell its harder on people looking for women.
I have to admit, its like window shopping with the items only partially in view. That makes it hard to want whats being offered.

Is there a larger city nearby? One with a more diverse gay community with hangouts and events? Maybe instead you can take overnight visits to that city and go on the hunt. People respond better to each other when they interact in person. A picture and circumstance on a screen is easily dismissed. A person you find hot right in front of you will have you considering options you might otherwise nix. Worst case you make some new friends you can meet other people through.
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Old 02-28-2013, 08:34 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ValerieAOK View Post

I know it's "wrong" to lie to someone. I guess I'm not as clear in words as I am in my own head. Even though it's wrong, it's not really hurting anyone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ValerieAOK View Post
My husband lied to me when I met him. He told me he was straight, but right before we got married he confessed that he is actually bi, and had actually been with a few men in the past. It hurt, I was mad, I was confused, but I still love him in the end. I was merely reacting to a stigma that society shoved down my brain hole. I over came that, and I have faith that most humans can do the same.
You contradict yourself.
But anyway. If you truly believe that the hurt that your lie will cause someone else is something they will ' get over' , then I don't really see what kind of advice your looking for?

Personally, I agree with GalaGirl - why waste the energy on a date that is based on lies and will only blow up on you later? Unless you are actively looking for drama, of course, which I know some people are.

I went on a couple of dates with men who were very vague about their circumstances at home. This was in the beginning of my dating as a married woman, and I can say that I was quite desperate for the dates, for the attention. I thought I had to go on this date because who else would date me?
And I chose to ignore the fact that I felt in my gut that the guy was lying (or even, I continued to see him after I found out he was married and cheating).

The sex I had with one of those guys, in the sexless marriage, with the wife who 'did not understand him'? When I think of it now I still cringe and feel horrible about it. But I did it, I made that mistake, and the only good thing that came out of it is that I learned from it and will not do it again. Because I felt it wasn't worth it, at all.
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Last edited by Cleo; 02-28-2013 at 08:38 PM.
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  #9  
Old 02-28-2013, 08:36 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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When the drama ensues, you will be back posting that you can't understand why some mono person you have fallen for is pissed off and angry that you lied to them or that someone fell for you and can't accept poly and is pissed off you used them, lied to them, took advantage etc.
At that point, I imagine you will begin to realize that yes in fact it is hurtig someone. Several someone's in fact.
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Old 02-28-2013, 10:53 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I lied to get a date once. It turned out, in my small city, that several people I know know her and for years I have felt ashamed every time I see her or hear about her. She likely would never of dated me if she had known and I feel disrespectful now as she is a lovely person looking for something real with someone else. I feel like I fucked with her trust of the world and of me. I knew as soon as we started talking on our date that because of her questions one lie would lead to others and I would eventually have to make a fool of myself and let her know my circumstance. It felt horrible and I regret the whole thing to this day. Now I have a profile that spells it a out for anyone who reads it. I would rather not know who I missed and know who really thinks I will fit their life.
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