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  #61  
Old 02-27-2013, 11:39 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Had a lovely romantic weekend away with Ren. Lots of talking, reconnecting, great food, lovely hikes, hotel room-sex

Now I'm home in bed with the flu (which was bound to hit me sooner or later - everyone I'm close to has been sick, and I've partying hard lately and not taking good care of myself, so...).
And while I am home alone, Ren is off on a date with Lou. Their dates don't bother me (much) (anymore), but today this one does. I just looked in the mirror and saw my flu-face, and the thought that he's in bed with a charming and beautiful woman right now who doesn't need to blow her red nose every 5 minutes, is... making me even crankier than the flu is already making me.

I guess I should just enjoy the fact that he's out of the house for a bit, I'm not a very good patient and I hate being nursed (detest those recurrent 'how are you? feeling any better?' questions - I just want to be left alone thank you). I just hope I won't pick a fight when he returns later tonight.

Feeling very disconnected from C. He's coming to my city this weekend and will stay with us, Ren is also here which means no sex for me and C., which means that theoretically we could skip the 'have you had sex with Molly and if you had sex with Molly did you use a condom?' talk. Knowing him, he will be happy to skip it, knowing me, I won't let that happen. Ah, I don't know... right now my head hurts so much I don't want to have ANY conversation, let alone a difficult one.

Have been exchanging witty emails and the occasional slightly naughty picture with BGuy. We have date in 2 weeks, which I am really looking forward to. Now, i just have to focus on getting better.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #62  
Old 02-27-2013, 07:04 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Tsk! I'm sure if he had a cold you wouldn't be extra glad to be on a date somewhere else since THEY wouldn't have a red nose, so don't even put any energy into those thoughts!

Sorry about the being sick on top of stress, is there anyway you could have a preemptive talk with C about Molly via email BEFORE he gets there so you don't feel the compulsion to talk about it face to face & sick when you're thinking you wont have an easy time with it?

I hope you recover quickly.
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  #63  
Old 02-27-2013, 07:11 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Tsk! I'm sure if he had a cold you wouldn't be extra glad to be on a date somewhere else since THEY wouldn't have a red nose, so don't even put any energy into those thoughts!
ha, I know you're right, it's silly.

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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Sorry about the being sick on top of stress, is there anyway you could have a preemptive talk with C about Molly via email BEFORE he gets there so you don't feel the compulsion to talk about it face to face & sick when you're thinking you wont have an easy time with it?
I hope to be better by the time he gets here, and we do face to face talks so much better than email or phone conversations, so I think I'll stick it out. I'm actually hoping he'll have had sex with her by then, because that will be easier to talk about then this ' I will probably have sex with her soon but I don't know when' thing.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #64  
Old 02-27-2013, 09:17 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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I'm actually hoping he'll have had sex with her by then, because that will be easier to talk about then this ' I will probably have sex with her soon but I don't know when' thing.
was just re-reading this part and thought how funny this actually sounds, and how someone who's not poly would never understand this..
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #65  
Old 03-11-2013, 04:01 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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So, it turns out that C doesn't want to pursue a relationship with Molly anymore, because he was feeling uneasy about the fact that she is, in fact, looking for a mono relationship and was only saying she wanted to try to share him, because she likes him a lot.

I'm relieved that he found this out before things got to the point where they slept together. I still hope there's a wonderful woman in his near future who will not mind the fact that I exist. in his words, it made him unhappy, that he could talk to me about Molly, but not to Molly about me.

I had a strange reaction to his story. I had gotten pretty worked up about the whole situation. And then poof! it was all gone. And I realize that a new situation like this can pop up any minute. But I felt so silly to have worried so much about something that in the end never happened. Yes, something I do all the time, but this time the futility and stupidity of it really hit me.

Been feeling very calm and pretty detached ever since. About everyone. And weird: like there's a big hole where my anxiety about relationships used to live.
Ah well, I'm sure it won't be long before I find something to worry about...

Am going to see BGuy tonight, the first time since out hot make out session. We agreed on 'fun but no fucking'. We'll see where it goes
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #66  
Old 03-13-2013, 04:04 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Dates with all my loved ones lined up. A sleepover with C this weekend, a sleepover with MrBrown next week, a date to have drinks with Knight next week. Lots of fun things planned with Ren. Lots of things planned with friends. A tentative date next month with BGuy.

Speaking of BGuy... That was quite the evening.. started out talking and drinking wine on his couch, which led to kissing, which led to a trip upstairs to his bedroom, where clothes were removed and lots of fun was had by all. Dragged myself home at midnight and felt delicously slutty all the next day

He seems to be ok with the 'fun but no fucking' rule, and I honestly can't see how we would've had more fun had we actually had PIV sex.

I feel tremendously calm about him.. would not care if I did not hear from him for weeks.. feel secure that he likes me and wants to see me again, and I feel the same way about him, but would not be sad or upset if things did not go that way. I think it's the most casual relationship I've ever had, and I can see myself meeting up with him once in a while when we feel like it, just enjoy each others company and bodies. I tried to explain to Ren why this feels so different from all my other relationships. I said: I don't want to spend the night with him.. I don't want to have dinner with him.. I don't want to go anywhere with him, well a bar maybe but no a movie or restaurant or hiking or a day trip or whatever.. It is just what it is and nothing more.

I keep surprising myself. It feels awesome.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf

Last edited by Cleo; 03-13-2013 at 09:30 PM.
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  #67  
Old 03-22-2013, 03:21 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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A date with Knight. (more about my history with him here)
Always the very first moment I lay eyes on him, when he walks into the bar where I'm waiting for him, I'm thinking.. is that all? Is this the guy I cried over, agonized over, for so long? He seems ike a regular guy. Not even all that cute. He looks tired, and older than I remember. But this only lasts 10 minutes or so. Then we slip into our routine of conversation and we keep going for almost 4 hours. Talk, talk, talk some more. Funny witty teasing, he challenges me so. Always makes me look at things from another perspective. I never know when he's serious or flippant and yet I do know.. when it gets real.. he is real and he is very serious. He became so beautiful to me agian over the course of the evening.


One tender, careful kiss, his hands on my leg a lot, some neck nuzzling and hair ruffling. Smiles and eye contact and togetherness. For the first time I managed not to cry in his presence, although there was one brief moment when I came close. Went home so happy to know him, have him in my life, this onconventional weird guy with who I have this unconventional, weird but meaningful relationship. Happy.

***************

Ren has a date with his ex GF tonight. They are what I like to call FWVLB (Friends with very little benefits) - close friends who hold hands sometimes, kiss or cuddle just a little. He still loves her and would love to get back together with her. She broke up with him, she said it was because of the poly thing, but has later admitted that she has severe commitment issues and that she always breaks up with guys after six months or so, and that she maybe used the poly thing as an excuse. I like her a LOT and would be so happy if they got back together. It was so cute seeing Ren a little nervous, finding the fridge stuffed with things she likes and things she might like (she's coming to dinner while I am at MrB.'s).

I am really rooting for him which is a great feeling. I have sometimes wondered if I am uncapable of feeling compersion with Ren - there is always so much resentment and jealousy when it comes to Lou, but I really think that that has a lot to do with her as a person and her behavior, and not so much with the fact that Ren has a GF. With another woman I would feel different. I dream of the day when he has a GF who I like and trust and who could become a friend. So fingers crossed that it will go well!
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf

Last edited by Cleo; 03-22-2013 at 03:33 PM.
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  #68  
Old 03-28-2013, 03:13 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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So, C just sent me an email that he has slept with Molly and had unprotected sex.
We were fluid bonded, well I guess we're not anymore

I had told him that if he didn't use condoms with her we would have to go back to condoms. He hates them and often can't perform when using them. It hurts, a lot, that he chooses to have this experience with her instead of me. And this is the day after he sent me a long email how much he loves me and how much I mean to him.

In a way I'm glad he slept with her, it was coming. But the fact that in this important matter he chose her over me, has me scared.

He was supposed to come to my city tomorrow and we were supposed to go to this event where a lot of my co-workers would be present. I was nervous about it, in a happy-nervous kind of way. Now I feel weird about going there because despite his words, I feel slighted. Am I overreacting?

Also, I'm kind of mad at him for telling my over email. We texted and we're going to talk onthe phone in an hour. I'm so sad....
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #69  
Old 03-28-2013, 09:03 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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That does suck, and Im sure you've already talked, but I'd say dont be mad at him for telling you over email, that's a hard thing to tell somebody, and I'd focus on the upside of him wanting to tell you right away.

Overreacting? I would feel hurt if a fluid bonded partner chose to fluid bond with a new person and go back to using condoms with me if they had problems performing with them. I'd imagine it was because people get scared of performance issues with new partners but he feels comfortable with you so feels more at ease having problems in front of you? So I'd understand, but I'd be pretty unhappy too, but I'd try not to look at is as having them choose somebody else OVER me.

*hug*
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  #70  
Old 03-28-2013, 09:16 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Thanks Anne. We have talked by now. I wasn't so much mad about him telling it via email, but about the fact he emailed me and then immediately went into meetings for hours so was unavailable for communication.

we talked. I understand better where he's coming from. I've been his only partner for 14 months, after he came out of a pretty horrible divorce.

He said: I want to feel free.
I said: you are free, but your freedom is sometimes going to hurt me, and you have to accept that, and I have to be free to tell you about the hurt. And it can be the other way around at some point.

So yeah, I do understand him. And it still hurts. Have to feel the hurt, work through it, know and feel he loves me, and continue on the path we're on together.

I know with my mind he's not choosing her over me. I also know the fluid bonding means much more to me than it does to him, emotionally. I've only had condomless-sex with 2 men, ever... my husband, and C. It hurts that he chooses to give that up. But it does not mean that he does not love me. That is what I need to really tell myself, and feel.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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