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Old 02-26-2013, 11:22 PM
BuffKitTon BuffKitTon is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: San Antonio, Texas
Posts: 4
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ok, you would probably be absolutely right if it weren't for the following, and this comes from nothing other than being me for many many years:

1. at the point that you stop interpreting what I say, fitting it into your worldview (e.g. : my grandparents are super conservative and when I start to indicate that I do not agree with their stance on an issue, they will start making arguments which are designed to attack the position of someone they have imagined and are not actually taking my stance, thinking it over and discussing with me, they are simply debating with an invisible uberdemocrat that is not me.) Once you start having a conversation engaged with me and not the person who you think I am in your head, my words are not nearly as confrontational, in fact here is another example: I have tried many times to change how I leave room for people to request clarification in my speech. I no longer say "do you know what I mean?" or "you know?" because most people assume this is me calling them stupid or slowing down cuz I think they are slow. Now I say "am I being clear enough?" or "does any of that sound unclear?" I try different things all the time, but I have noticed that mostly, they have decided from the beginning that I think less of them simply by not stating otherwise, and if I do state otherwise I am likely to prove that in their minds. I am not willing to cut these moments out either, because I honestly want to have a two way conversation which often has disclarity no matter how clear I try to be and having to rephrase is common among most topics.

2. my immediate circle of friends and family find it difficult to communicate the way that they used to. example? : K's mother will say two or three half sentences, expecting k to fill in the blanks so that she doesn't have to say confrontational things out loud. while angry her mother will be spouting off about a seemingly random assortment of topics, which, might actually be connected inside her head. We, however, hardly follow. She will be angry about something that happened last week, and was barely registered by most of the nearby people, this ripple will affect seventeen things in her mind and then she will try to communicate all seventeen things at once and without being seen as aggressive. She will tell jokes which are aimed not to get a laugh but to get K to take out the trash. She will make fun of K instead of having a real conversation about what is irritating her. next? H's mom stole her flowers she got from me on V day and took them to her work. When H asked about this, they literally did not reply. H is 19 and has to put up with her dad turning off the power at night to "get her to bed ontime". Instead of conversing with their grown child about issues, they are acting like children who have power over another child and are bullying them. This form of communication is NOT OK. NOT "NORMAL" and will never be something that I think I or anyone else should look to for a good relationship. My people know this now, and find it hard when they are back home or talking to their other friends.

I am sorry that you have to put up with someone using communication to hurt you. By blunt I meant that I try not to lead you to my point I simply try to make it. By sideways I meant passive aggressive. I do not believe that I should be responsible for every single thought that you have which you do not allow me to acknowledge or refute. I am not inside your head and you most certainly are not in mine. If the me that you imagine inside is given reasons and ideas that I did not say or indicate, then that is a lie and I am not for lying. Usually, K and I can separate what is an auto reaction based on an assumption and correct it, even after the emotional blowup. The time and space spent apart is weakening this ability to not react as "normal" people would.

If the me in your head is impatient, treats people with less agency than they deserve, or has a tone of voice or volume or facial expression, then you know that there is some bias in your thoughts. When I get these thoughts about you, I look at one of the smiley faces below and pretend its you instead.
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