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  #1  
Old 02-26-2013, 05:13 AM
adarkwolf adarkwolf is offline
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Default major relationship change

I'll try to keep things short since there can be a lot of details. Firstly, my wife who is bi discovered poly a few years back. We talked about it and after awhile I was ok with the possibility, especially so she could have a girl (which she still hasn't). After a while she found another guy in her pursuits and fell for him (not her intent since she doesn't like guys that much). He had to move for his job shortly after we met him in person and he has been trying to move back ever since. They haven't been together yet either and its a LDR. Not sure if he will ever actually move back but again I am ok with it now.

Now for the next problem. She still loves me but we have never had good chemistry as a couple. So we talked and she suggested that we were family but no longer a couple. So this is what I am trying to deal with now. Since I am still new to this and having to adjust to new roles and definitions of the relationship. Coming from a "normal" background, this sort of flies in the face of everything I know or have had in my upbringing. From some of what I have read, it seems the only truely fair way to have a poly relationship with other partners since there is no longer a "primary". I am free to date as is she but we still remain family for each other (more like brother and sister I guess) and for our young son.

Any thoughts on this? Things to watch out for? How to go about dating and explaining my situation? (we are still "paper" married and wont divorce unless something very serious comes along. We also own a home together and plan on living together at least part time at least unless something serious comes along)
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Old 02-26-2013, 10:57 PM
Delphinius Delphinius is offline
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Default going fwd

Hi adarkwolf,

Noticed many reads but no replys to your thread; know that there's usually a lot going on all over the forum so posts sometimes get passed by. Hopefully one of the long timers will chime in soon, they so often have such helpful hints and experiences to share.

Imagine you left out many details in keeping the post concise (well done); It's so amazing that you seem so ok with the major transition of your relationship. Wonder how long that took? I can relate to many of the details of your experience: wanted you to know you're not the only one. Now that you're moving forward.... a little possible help?

With dating, my husband was directed to OKCupid; a dating site that lets people explain more about where they're at and what they're looking for. My husband's profile says he's in a relationship with his wife and her boyfriend. It says "available" rather than "single" (those listing single generally lean monogamous). With an honest profile you'll have a better start on how to explain your situation and it'll be well received. My husband hasn't found a "one" but he's met some really nice ladies and remains optimistic.

Don't know many things to watch out for (the more experienced will hopefully chime in), just suggest to keep it real, be yourself, look to have fun, be respectful and keep the communication lines open with your wife and potential sweeties.

Best of luck! Welcome to Next.... and congrats for finding a way to keep the family together (happily, I hope) for your young son. What a gift!

~Delph
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  #3  
Old 02-26-2013, 11:39 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Hi and welcome ,

Do you want to live as brother and sister ?


How long have you been married ?
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  #4  
Old 02-28-2013, 01:12 AM
BBQGreg BBQGreg is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Delphinius View Post
Hi adarkwolf,
With dating, my husband was directed to OKCupid; a dating site that lets people explain more about where they're at and what they're looking for. My husband's profile says he's in a relationship with his wife and her boyfriend. It says "available" rather than "single" (those listing single generally lean monogamous).
Not that this really matters, and OKCupid's workings may have changed since I disabled my account two years ago, but it used to be that "available" was how it automatically listed anyone who identified themself as "married" or "seeing someone" on one multiple-choice question and said they were looking for anything besides friends or "long-distance pen-pals" on a second multiple-choice question.

But it's a really good site. Or at least it was when I used it.
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  #5  
Old 02-28-2013, 03:59 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by adarkwolf View Post
...She still loves me but we have never had good chemistry as a couple. So we talked and she suggested that we were family but no longer a couple. So this is what I am trying to deal with now. Since I am still new to this and having to adjust to new roles and definitions of the relationship. ... From some of what I have read, it seems the only truely fair way to have a poly relationship with other partners since there is no longer a "primary". I am free to date as is she but we still remain family for each other (more like brother and sister I guess) and for our young son.
I'll let others chime in on the "dating and explaining to others" angle but I'm having a hard time tying together some of the statements in the section I quoted.

"she suggested that we were a family but no longer a couple"
- I can actually see that, if you are both on board with it. "co-parenting/co-habitating" partners, but no longer "romantic/sexual" partners (hence the brother/sister type thing)? (legally married but emotionally separated?)

BUT:
"From some of what I have read, it seems the only truely fair way to have a poly relationship with other partners since there is no longer a 'primary'. "
- hey, what! I don't get this part.

For us, I started out married to my husband, we are still a "couple" - that relationship grows and changes and does it's thing. Then I added, Dude, another partner. Now I am part of THAT "couple" as well - and THAT relationship grows and changes and does it's thing. Then we add the fact that my husband and boyfriend are best friends and love/care for each other (platonically) and we all live together, and now our "family" consists of three people. (On the surface it would appear that my relationship with my husband is primary and my relationship with my boyfriend is secondary - in practice that is an artifact of length of relationship - I characterize it as "working toward co-primary" when I have to characterize it at all.)

If one of us starts dating someone else (which I anticipate Dude will start doing sooner than either of the rest of us), that doesn't necessarily mean that we will become a "family" of four (although it could happen). Our biological families are determined by genetics, our "chosen families" are determined by relationships, agreements, and commitment.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #6  
Old 02-28-2013, 07:59 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Adarkwolf, I just want to wish you the best of luck. If you can try to date people who identify as Poly rather than mono, as a mono person 'may be' (don't want to generalise) more keen to move you into a more traditional set up and I can see, if you are all working and communicating well, that you could really have a very enriching expanded family.

N
x
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