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  #71  
Old 02-22-2013, 03:12 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Reading your story I had a couple thoughts ....using nre as excuse for disrpectful behavior and hoping you'll have a marriage after it passes is delusional....relationships can be irreparably damaged. My second thought has anyone thought that the NRE is the drug she is using to treat herself?

This looks like many issues and problems layered one on top of the other....like peeling an onion. NRE is not the core.


Loving radiance wrote a very good thread on "NRE as an excuse" or not an excuse. Maybe have her read that.

A therapist once told me that sexual intimacy is often the glue that hold marriages together ....or put another way its often an indictor of a major disconnect. Is she motivated at all to fix that with you ?

Last edited by dingedheart; 02-22-2013 at 03:33 PM.
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  #72  
Old 02-22-2013, 03:35 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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Oh believe me dinged, I know our issues are multi-dimensional. The anger and borderline emotional abuse started not long after our girls were born, and the bi-polar diagnosis and subsequent treatment seemed to help a good bit. The trust issues came about after she had her affair. Our MC at that time thought perhaps the manic phase of bi-polar was pushing her into hypersexuality. Very possible.

The anger returned pretty much after she stopped taking the meds. She hates taking the meds. She wants to be "herself" regardless of the collateral damage. She often thinks she will be OK by getting away from the girls, and me, and finding someone who will accept her the way she is. And maybe she's right. But that would devastate me and the girls, and that's why I'm fighting this fight. At some point I may reach the point where I don't want to fight this fight. I think about it constantly. Right now, I am, and I relish the small, good things that occur occasionally.

You're right about the NRE. It is the explanation for a lot of things, but can't be used as an excuse for a lot of the bad behavior.

As to the sexual intimacy issue, the last time I brought it up (last week) she simply said she's not ready. She didn't say no. But I just got her to read "Opening Up" by Tristam Taormino (and her guy is reading it, too). The sections on NRE and others may get her to re-examine her relationship with me. I just started reading "Intimacy and Desire" by David Schnarch. It is supposedly a fantastic book about resurrecting the desire in a marriage. After I'm done with it I'm going to urge her to read it. She knows that my position on this new polyamory relationship model for us is based on getting my needs met, and if we don't make reasonable progress towards that, I'll end the polyamory experiment, because I won't tolerate not having my needs met for very much longer.

Last edited by learninginTN; 02-22-2013 at 04:27 PM.
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  #73  
Old 02-23-2013, 06:09 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Yes, it seems to me that small steps of progress are good, as long as some progress is being made. I am watching this thread closely to see where she behaves well, and where she behaves poorly. The sucky thing about NRE is it can make her value her marriage less, and take riskier chances with it. So divorce is certainly a possibility here. My only hope is that some of this NRE will eventually generate some RRE -- Renewed Relationship Energy -- where her new relationship inspires her to renew her relationship with you. We can only hope.

Please keep us posted on how things are going.
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  #74  
Old 02-23-2013, 11:45 AM
MaryvilleEllis MaryvilleEllis is offline
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Hi I'm In Knoxville. I like your post & it speaks volumes about someone trying to maneuver their way thru this out of the "norm" off the beaten path lifestyle. Are you 2 anywhere near Knoxville? Let's all be friends.
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  #75  
Old 02-25-2013, 04:11 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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More pushing my boundaries. This weekend my wife and her guy went to a conference that he wanted to attend. Conference was to end Sunday at noon. I asked her to be home by 3:00pm (location is about 2.5 hours from home) so she could spend some quality time with me and the girls the remainder of Sunday. W asked if she could have lunch with guy, and come home a little later. I begrudgingly granted her this, thinking this might push back her time to 4 or 4:30. I promise the girls Mommy will be home after they get up from their nap and we'll all go have dinner.

I get a text from her around 3:00 saying her guy is having car problems (they drove separately, and may have to have his car towed). They haven't eaten yet, so they are going to eat after getting the car situation handled. She finally gets home at about 7:30. So apparently the car issue set them back 3 hours. Meanwhile, I've had the girls all day, including dealing with one who is sick and throwing up. So she gets about and hour with the girls until they have to go to sleep. I'm so mad I can't even talk to her. I'm starving, having held off eating until she got home. I just leave the house and go out and get something to eat by myself.
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  #76  
Old 02-25-2013, 06:55 PM
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Quote:
"W asked if she could have lunch with guy, and come home a little later. I begrudgingly granted her this, thinking this might push back her time to 4 or 4:30."
Not sure if it would have helped in this situation, but as a general rule get all the details out in the open so that you know you're on the same page. If she says "a little later," you say, "So, then I can expect you home at 4 or 4:30, is that right?" At least get a firm commitment from her.

When she called about the car problems, I would recommend asking her straight out: "When, then, can I expect you to be home?" It isn't fair for you to just have to sit waiting (babysitting the kids), not knowing when to expect her.

Now, as for what really happened, we can't say. Were there really car problems? Was it just an alibi? Could it have really taken 3 hours to fix? Well, the answer is, maybe, or maybe not.

At some point you could ask her why it took 3 hours. At that point, you'd have to decide whether to trust whatever answer she gave.

It's understandable that you were upset. Your day did not go well. It's also fair enough (IMO) that you went out to eat alone. Doing so may have staved off a loud argument.

Eventually, you may want to talk to her, about how the day went from your point of view. You kept on having to make bigger and bigger concessions. Now, maybe her day went badly too, but she'll have to speak for herself about that.

This will probably continue for some time, this series of jagged ups and downs. There will be some days when she treats you right. Other days, she will neglect you. She is still letting the NRE cloud her judgment, and I suspect she is (perhaps subconsciously) rebelling against an array of regrets. You are getting caught in the whirlwind of her rebellion. It will take a lot of patience to get through this.

Make sure you explain to your counsellor that you are very frustrated with the situation right now. Make new decisions about your boundaries if you need to.
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  #77  
Old 02-25-2013, 08:29 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I'd say it might go beyond pushing. Did the weekend include Friday night?

So she has a meltdown for having to spend 2.5 hrs with her kids and has no problem dragging "her weekend fun time" out to the last possible second. How many hrs was she gone total ?


Show of hands on anyone believing the car trouble story...
Wow if thats true the universe isnt trying to help her out on being poly...or her handling being poly.


They didnt look at a clock until it was an oh fuck moment....crap I'm suppose to be home right now....

Jagged ups and downs ???? where are the ups ??? I see no ups. She wants to have the new guy as a primary ( meaning replacement ) she has buyer remorse on the kids ...doesnt want to spend anytime with them .... (meaning return or disposal...time burden) ...stopped having sex with TN, etc ,etc ....Wheres the UP's


Id seriously and quietly start thinking about saving yourself and the kids. Start drawing up survival plans. If she comes around great if not you wont get caught flat footed.

Last edited by dingedheart; 02-25-2013 at 10:30 PM.
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  #78  
Old 02-25-2013, 09:23 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Just curious, was your expectation that she would be home at 3pm based on your own calculations or did she say, "I will be home around 3"?

Based on MY experience:
An event that's scheduled to end at noon, could get out as early as 11am or it might be 1:30pm before you ever get to your car. Add in an hour for lunch and a 2.5 hour car ride (without traffic issues), 3pm seems optimistic at best.

Car trouble: 30-45 minutes just waiting for a tow truck, add in another 30minutes - 2 hours to fix the problem. Flat tire or out of gas would probably only be an hour delay any thing else would likely be longer.
More clarity on time expectations would be a definite MUST. You should not be left to assume or calculate her ETA. You don't really give a shit when the event ends, you want to know when she will be home. So ask what time she expects to be home. If things go wrong, she needs to keep you updated more often and with more specific time expectations. No more "we are going to be home a little later", that is definitely too vague.
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  #79  
Old 02-25-2013, 10:25 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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W originally asked me when I expected her home. Since I knew the conference ended at noon, and the drive is about 2.5 hours, I told her by three. That's when she brought up the fact that she wanted to have lunch with her guy. I SHOULD have said, "So I can expect you home around 4 or 4:30, then?", but I didn't, just assuming that would be a reasonable expectation.

The fact that she didn't text me until 3:00 about the car problems is a big red flag. She's lied so many times in the past that she does it easily and without much effort. The location they were at was about 1.5 hours away from where they left, so they should have been there by 1:30-2:00. They were apparently planning on having lunch in this town where they started having the troubles.

There's so much unaccounted time that in my mind it's all just so much BS. I don't even think I have the energy tonight to talk to her about it. This is not the first time she's stretched out her time with her guy. If I do I might frame it in the guise of "I need more ME time this week because of you going over your guy allottment." She's already given me a hard time about counting hours, but seriously that is what it takes to make sure she's giving time to me and the girls. If we were in a different place, and she was meeting my emotional and physical needs, then things might be a lot different. Right now I'm the one doing the sacrificing, and if I need to keep track of how much I'm sacrificing down to the hour, then so be it.

If there's any consolation to me, it's that she got someone to work for her today so she could stay home with our girls, who are sick. It's RARE that she would do this, usually expecting me to stay home if the girls are ill and can't go to preschool. Maybe this is her conscience talking to her about yesterday.

Dinged, I know it looks pretty bad from where you stand. It looks pretty bad from where I stand, too. If there are any UP's, it's that we're still married, our finances and assets are all still intact, I've won some concessions on things like keeping him away from the kids and keeping our relationship under wraps, and we're still doing weekly therapy. I've said before and I'll say it again - I have a breaking point, and I haven't reached that yet.
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  #80  
Old 02-25-2013, 11:06 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by learninginTN View Post
The fact that she didn't text me until 3:00 about the car problems is a big red flag.
My husband goes into clueless mode when it comes to time and expectations, which is why I had to learn to ask him when he expects to be home and then comment on why this was a problem. I also after many, many years (absolutely nothing to do with poly), have gotten him in the habit of texting me when he is finally on the road (and back in cell phone range) with an estimated eta of being home. After all things always change the day of travel .

Quote:
She's lied so many times in the past that she does it easily and without much effort.
Completely sympathize here. Any deviation of plans sets off red flags due to past issues. Completely understandable and she should be made aware that since she waited until 3pm to initially make contact and she wasn't more forthcoming about when she was going to be home, it looks like she had something to hide. Because she has lied in the past, she has to make the extra effort to prove she is not lying anymore, like doing everything in her power to be home on time and more communication if something changes.

Let's face it, he is a big boy, she really didn't HAVE to wait while he got his car fixed (if that is indeed what happened) and lunch could have been fast food drive through ... Something to bring up in counceling.
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