Malfunktioning and meandering
Ok so here goes,
After years of C wishing on every falling star, every eyelash, and even birthday candles I finally broke and said OK.
What was he wishing for you ask?
(Opinion) What do most hypersexual men who get involved with bi-women want? A threesome.
It came out at a party once when we first started dating that I had participated in a threesome with my two best friends who were and still are a couple. Mind you, it was a drunken debacle with more wine spilt on us then in our mouths that none one of us regretted but agreed should not happen again. I wasn't looking for a triad or a Vee, I was non-monogamous and loving it.
Looking back it was fun.
Did I feel objectified because I was his tool to get what he wanted? Yeah kinda. Did I want to be looked at as a hinge factor in one of his fantasies? I feel I should say yes but I felt like because I was bi he thought he was entitled to what my friends received. Since then I have enjoyed the mono lifestyle. I wasn't concerned about going back but I have morphed to match what he wanted. I didn't go vanilla but I was tamed.
They say, we fear most what we fear the most in our selves.
Hello, nail, hammer, nice to meet you.
What do I fear?
So, finally, when I gave up the idea of not succumbing to his threesome idea I also made one request. I don't want a casual fuck and toss. I want, rather, I miss, the female interaction. The deep-seated connection to know how to react, comfort, touch, know a woman. I suggested instead of a one night threesome that I wanted to pursue dating, to open our lives up to more than just sex. At first he was interested. I did countless hours of research till my eyes hurt from surfing, I scrounged the local online scene, I asked around if anyone knew of a poly-community here and came up wanting.
But still I looked.
We discussed what he wanted. We, FINALLY, discussed what I, ultimately wanted and that was a polyandrous Vee (MFM) (That was a big HELL NO) or a FMF. Ok, that got his attention more. Fine. C just might get his wish after all.
Last night, he asked me what he did wrong. What wasn't he giving me? What was he lacking.
I never thought he'd feel that way. I should have.
We talked about everything. Well, he talked. I cried and babbled. Good thing we've been together long enough for him to be able to decipher my mewlings and snotty babblings. (I'm an insanely ugly crier)
Is poly no longer on the table? No, not exactly. But he has stressed that he WILL be jealous if I develop an attachment to another man. Valid. Understandable even. Am I still looking? Yeah, sort of. Less actively but, yes, still looking. Maybe I'll let him stew over it. And re-address.
Will you guys help me judge the time? I'm pretty sure I'll need it. :/
It's just me, my ramblings and the elevator music in my head.
Me: bi, reformed wild-child turned mom and house maid LOL
Crux: straight/hypersexual, possibly mono?
BC: our son, 5 years
CM: second son 9 months.
Mouse: girlfriend! Status new, feelings not so much.
|blog, non-monogamy, relationship, triad, vee|