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Old 02-25-2013, 03:35 AM
confusedandsuch confusedandsuch is offline
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 8
Default might not be cut out for normality - long =/

heh, actually, I've always known normal isn't really my thing, but I am only recently realizing I might not be able to hack a normal relationship, either.

Let's see... I'm a 29 year old female, but I'm one of the guys. Always have been. I'm currently in my second long term relationship - the first one ended poorly at 25 after ten mostly wasted years - and my BF is a wonderful man who I love very much. We are both pretty flawed people in a gazillion ways, but are both goodhearted and I don't think either of us have ever done anything to intentionally hurt the other any time in our relationship. We have never had any serious discussions on opening our relationship up in any fashion. I don't really anticipate it, either.

Which means I'm probably in the wrong place, but I don't know where else to seek advice.

My BF and I live together, have since before we started dating, actually. He is my best friend - I only ever date / have sex with friends. I am mildly autistic, and think I might have some trouble separating friendlove from partnerlove from sexual attraction. They're all very tied together for me. Anyway...

I have recently realized I'm engaged in a platonic 'emotional affair' with a dear friend of mine - male. Life has been tough recently, and I've found a lot of comfort in spending time and texting with him. It's probably not even fair to say it's platonic, because he's an old friend who was the first guy I was really hormonally attracted to, and we have had sex in the (distant) past. And, as with all my friends, our conversations are filled with double entendres and inappropriate humor and, well, it's just how me and mine make conversation. Sometimes attraction is involved, but not acted upon. This is all well known to my BF - who has similarly grey conversations with his friends - but somehow I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

If I were single, I'd have jumped my old friend months ago. Especially because my BF and I are getting very little time alone these days. There are times when I realize I am particularly attracted to old friend, and it's disconcerting and makes me question things. Unfortunately I don't rightly know what it is I'm questioning. I think I'm here for a sympathetic sounding board more than anything - if I'm in the wrong place, send me packing kindly, please =P

I want to stay with my boyfriend. Things are tough right now for a million reasons, but he is being particularly amazing through it all. We love each other very much and see a permanent future together. I don't want to give up the relationship I have with my old friend - part because I very much depend on him for emotional support right now, and part because if I stopped being friends with my guy friends who I have a questionable relationship with, I'd have no friends. Think I might be a perv (kidding, of course) Pretty sure that if this relationship doesn't work, I won't entertain the notion of a closed relationship again. Not sure what that realization means for this relationship. Pretty much just confused.

Not sure what I'm asking of you guys - my apologies. Think I just want to know if I'm doing my BF a disservice here. If so, how I go about fixing that in a fashion that doesn't ignore my wants/needs - which I know from experience ends poorly for everyone involved. I appreciate your reading this - I'm sorry it was so long. Any advice anyone has to offer would be appreciated.
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