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  #11  
Old 12-24-2009, 07:59 PM
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lipsnlace lipsnlace is offline
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I'm feeling... conflicted.

I got a phone call from my S at 8am a few days ago (which is unusual), and he told me that he's leaving his wife, and would like my support. We hadn't ever discussed him leaving his wife, or anything of the sort; he just dropped it in my lap. He laid out all of the rational reasons for him to tell his wife that they should split up, he told me that he had talked to a few close friends who agreed that it was time, and he has made arrangements with a friend to stay in her spare bedroom until he figures things out.

Thankfully, I was not one of the reasons on his list for splitting up with his wife. They've split up twice before (13 years ago and 3 years ago), and he said that he always went back to her because it was the "safe choice" and the easy thing to do. It was easier to go back to her and be unhappy than to see her be upset because he wanted to split up. He doesn't like to make people unhappy, so he'd just go back to her.

I've seen that he's unhappy with her, and I know that his reasons for leaving her are legitimate, but I'm concerned that it may be partially my fault. I realize that this is the reaction that most children have when their parents split up, and is probably a natural reaction. But when we were talking, he thanked me for showing him that there are open, warm, and loving relationships out there, and that other people actually love him. He thanked me for demonstrating what a healthy, loving relationship (mine with my fiance) should be like.

I told him that every relationship looks different, but that if he's certain that that's what he wants, then I support him totally. I'm not familiar with any of this, really. My parents are still together, and I don't really know how to support him, or what to say.

I'm happy for him that he's found the courage to be happy in life, but I'm desperately hoping that it wasn't my fault. My fiance is happy for him, too, and thinks I'm silly for worrying. I'm a worrier, it's what I do.

Any suggestions for what to tell him, or how to support him?
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--Lipsnlace

Don't try to tell me who you are; tell me who you love.

The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding and love.
-- Jennifer Edwards

Last edited by lipsnlace; 12-24-2009 at 08:03 PM. Reason: proofreading
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  #12  
Old 12-24-2009, 08:18 PM
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crisare crisare is offline
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My husband and I split while I was involved in another relationship. It took a bit of reassuring my b/f that he was not the *reason* my husband and I split. I won't say that he wasn't a contributing factor towards my feelings - it sounds much like what your S described as the realization that relationships can/should be different than what I had - but it wasn't because of him or for him that I left.

From my perspective, the best thing you can do at this point is continue to be supportive of him. Listen if he wants to talk, if he doesn't want to talk don't pressure him, and for the love of gods, don't badmouth his stb-ex even if he does. You're not being silly, but if you worry about it too much, you turn it into something about YOU and not about him - and I would say the biggest thing you can do to support him is don't make it about you.
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  #13  
Old 12-24-2009, 08:48 PM
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lipsnlace lipsnlace is offline
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Thank you, crisare. Your insight is very much appreciated.

I haven't and won't bad-mouth his wife. I don't know her, and I don't have a problem with her except that he's been unhappy with and bored by her. But that's his thing, and I try to not mirror other people's feelings-- as in, I don't choose to dislike someone just because someone I care about feels that way. Of course if I did dislike her for my own reasons, that would be different.
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--Lipsnlace

Don't try to tell me who you are; tell me who you love.

The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding and love.
-- Jennifer Edwards
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  #14  
Old 12-24-2009, 09:17 PM
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crisare crisare is offline
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Quote:
I haven't and won't bad-mouth his wife. I don't know her, and I don't have a problem with her except that he's been unhappy with and bored by her. But that's his thing, and I try to not mirror other people's feelings-- as in, I don't choose to dislike someone just because someone I care about feels that way. Of course if I did dislike her for my own reasons, that would be different.
Oh totally. It's just very easy to let sympathy slip into ... something a litlte more. I did it a couple of times with my last b/f and it made it harder to relate easily to his wife when they weren't having problems. And during a divorce, he'll swing back and forth between missing her and hating her and everything in between most likely. Just remember that what he says right now might not reflect what he feels in 10 mins. I know I could go from being pissed off beyond belief at my husband to being weepy and sad in the space of seconds. I'm sure my b/f thought I was a basket case. *wry smile*
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  #15  
Old 12-25-2009, 12:05 AM
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lipsnlace lipsnlace is offline
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Okay, I'll keep that in mind and try to be sympathetic. He's already feeling bad about himself, and he hasn't even left her yet (he's going to wait until after the holidays); he feels bad about making her unhappy. They have a lot of history and two grown children, so I can understand his love for her after all that time. So it's hard... But such is life, right?

I guess I should be thrilled; he wants to be my boyfriend, and now he'll be able to without cheating on his wife. It's just hard to be cheery about it when he's having a hard time.
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--Lipsnlace

Don't try to tell me who you are; tell me who you love.

The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding and love.
-- Jennifer Edwards
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  #16  
Old 01-05-2010, 08:15 AM
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lipsnlace lipsnlace is offline
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So my friend M texted me today all excited because he found a poly meeting group in our area. I'm stoked! We live in a fairly small place, so I didn't think that there would be any meet-ups nearby, and didn't even check. How silly of me, I know.

Turns out that Franklin from Xeromag happens to attend that meeting, too! So not only do we have a poly support group that meets up very close to where we attend our University, it happens to also be a well-stocked group with intelligent, semi-famous poly people. Sweet deal.

Meetings are the first Monday of every month, so I'll have to wait until Feb 1 to attend, but it's on my calendar for sure! He wanted to check it out and see that it was worth going to before telling me about it, so I didn't get know about it to go tonight. Oh well. Too bad my fiance (husband in 11 days!) works Monday nights so he can't come too. Boo.

I'm excited! I think that meeting up with other like-minded people will be nice. Most of my nearest and dearest do know about our decision, but it's still a bit fresh to be able to talk freely about, and there are a few who still don't know. So we still have to bite our tongues about it sometimes. :/

I was talking to S a few days ago, and he casually mentioned meeting my parents one day way in the future. I know that this shouldn't have surprised me, but it sortof did. Not like completely shocked, just like an epiphany, like an "oh yeah, that'll probably happen, huh?" I think I've mentioned before that there is a substantial age difference between my S and I; he's 34 years older than me. It's a bit shocking to see that number, haha. He doesn't act like it, think like it, talk like it, or feel like it, but that's how much older he is. I don't care and neither does he, to us it's just a number. But I know that my parents would be more than a little bit shocked, and I think it would also probably hinder their willingness to accept us as poly if they can't get over that hump either.

It's not that I don't want him to meet them, if that time comes... I'm just a little scared about how they'll react. My dad's not the most open-minded guy, and having his daughter be in another relationship outside of her marriage, with a man 8 years older than himself... sheesh.

Anyway, I got on here to write a quick note, and got carried away. So good night everyone!
__________________
--Lipsnlace

Don't try to tell me who you are; tell me who you love.

The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding and love.
-- Jennifer Edwards
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  #17  
Old 01-05-2010, 03:10 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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When I was 23, I dated a 46 year old woman. My parents didn't approve, but assumed I was just doing crazy college experiments in my love life.

It will probably be very different in your situation since you will be married and in the "serious" part of your life. I am not sure how your family is, but I am guessing that there will be "concern." I think all you can do is to stress that you just want people to give this guy a chance. If they let down their guard, they may see that he is ok after all.

As for S's divorce, I think that if he was being all rational about it, then you must have fit somewhere in the equation. It could have been a small factor or it could have more like a catalyst which caused him to rethink his marriage.

As for support, I think that he just wants to know that you do not think badly of him for doing this. And you can be there if he needs to get some stuff off his chest. But I don't know him well enough to say this for sure. Maybe he is the type of person who likes to be challenged in his feelings? Or the type who likes to be explained how another person may be feeling?

Anyway, good luck and I hope it all goes well.
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