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  #11  
Old 02-24-2013, 06:59 AM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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That was a shitty thing J did. I mean REALLY shitty. Shitty enough I think most people would have understood if you had ended the poly relationship right then. I'm so sorry he did that to you.
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  #12  
Old 02-24-2013, 02:31 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Oh come on. Are you sure you weren't having brain surgery just to get attention?
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  #13  
Old 02-24-2013, 03:37 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Well, your partner having surgery is stressful. Lying to you about going to see her right after you had the surgery was WRONG. But perhaps it wasn't wrong for him to feel the need for support and cuddles from her when he was worried about you. If he wanted to go see his mom, or sister, or best friend after you came thru the surgery OK and were resting comfortably, would that be wrong? Maybe he felt he needed cuddles and even sex to comfort himself after worrying about you leading up to, and during your surgery. Was this aspect discussed at all?

Second: yes, after 10 dates she has a right to her feelings. After one date, she has a right to her feelings and her needs.

But if she is disrespectful across the board, bad mouthing you, outing you, yea, thats unacceptable.

My gf has been very patient about me dating men she might not find appealing, or 100% good for me, but, bless her heart, she knew it was my journey and that I had something to learn from dating/fucking all these different sorts of guys (I was married and mono for 30+ years and needed to sample a large range of men).

But none of them dissed her or made her life personally uncomfortable!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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  #14  
Old 02-24-2013, 09:07 PM
jayt jayt is offline
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I got tired of the drama just skimming trough this thread, I really do have a headache, I like argeements and terms to be written out as much as possible, I try to keep all messages and emails and etc,.. I that I have with any female I flirt with (or more) so there is a documented record of what terms have been discussed, .. I will let almost anyone read them.... (I have been told I an way too open and honest to a fault) but that is most often from someone who is not nearly as honest as they claim to be... anyway, I think of the lier as the cheater...
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  #15  
Old 02-25-2013, 06:44 PM
tree166 tree166 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Oh come on. Are you sure you weren't having brain surgery just to get attention?
I don't normally go to such extremes when I need attention, but I'm putting it in my arsenal for the future.

Seriously, that made me laugh. Thank you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Well, your partner having surgery is stressful. Lying to you about going to see her right after you had the surgery was WRONG. But perhaps it wasn't wrong for him to feel the need for support and cuddles from her when he was worried about you. If he wanted to go see his mom, or sister, or best friend after you came thru the surgery OK and were resting comfortably, would that be wrong? Maybe he felt he needed cuddles and even sex to comfort himself after worrying about you leading up to, and during your surgery. Was this aspect discussed at all?
Yes, this was discussed at length before I went into the hospital. My mom had this same surgery a decade or so ago, plus a bunch of others, so I know a bit about the stress of having a loved one go under the knife. My stepdad was a wreck when it was happening, so I was expecting similar from J. To my surprise, he exhibited none of the anxiety I expected. Outwardly he was confident that I had the best surgeon possible and everything would be fine. He was concerned, obviously, but the whole thing didn't seem to faze him much.

He claimed after the fact that he was just trying to be strong for me, but I think it's a cop out to try and justify what happened. I don't think less of him for needing emotional support, by any means, but I would have preferred him getting it from his mom or my family (who were with him the entire time I was in surgery) or a friend. The idea of being at my weakest and most vulnerable while he spends time with someone who thought poorly of me is unsettling. Like me being in the hospital and unable to meet his needs was somehow making the things she said about me true. Logically I know that's completely irrational, but at the time I was very emotional. I've never been the kind of person who uses their illness as a reason to not do things, and most of the people in my life didn't even know I was sick until I found out about this surgery despite being born with this illness. I'm capable, I'm tough, and I can do anything has always been my mindset so barely being able to function took a huge toll on my emotional well-being.
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  #16  
Old 02-28-2013, 03:18 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tree166 View Post

...he exhibited none of the anxiety I expected. Outwardly he was confident that I had the best surgeon possible and everything would be fine. He was concerned, obviously, but the whole thing didn't seem to faze him much.

He claimed after the fact that he was just trying to be strong for me... I would have preferred him getting it from his mom or my family (who were with him the entire time I was in surgery) or a friend. The idea of being at my weakest and most vulnerable while he spends time with someone who thought poorly of me is unsettling.
OK, thats just a huge betrayal. Pretending to be strong, and then deceitfully seeing his mistress against your wishes... Let's call it what it is, dishonest and cheating. What is really going on here? How the hell does he think this is OK?
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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  #17  
Old 02-28-2013, 04:16 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I see where it is very upsetting. And I am in no way minimizing that!

But again -- this chick is out of the picture now.

Could choose to focus on what you have here in the present.

1) You have J
2) You have repairs to make in the rship.
3) How do you want to move it forward in future polyshipping with him? And address the issues of
  • a) Any future meta who devalues you as a person
  • b) J's emotional coping skills not being up to par in a crisis causing a break down of trust. How will this be brought back up to par?

Do you have any thoughts in that direction at this time people could help you with?

Hang in there. It's a lot to deal with.

hugs,
Galagirl
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