pushy metamour

[GalaGirl]

I am just struggling with feeling selfish - taking the benefits of being in the family (living with girlfriend, him paying for things, being a live-in parent to my step-daughter), but not *feeling* the family love for him in return.

What DO you feel? Sounds like you feel respect and grateful. Glad you get along and don't fight and are not jealous. So could express all that. The things you DO feel.

He is asking uncomfortable, direct questions about whether I love him as a family member, whether I would be friends with him if we'd met outside of GF, whether I'd still want to live with him if ever anything happened to GF and daughter, whether I think of him in the same way I think about my two male best friends at home.

Just answer. Honest, but tempered with tact perhaps? Something like...

• I am not sure if we would be friends if we'd met outside of girlfriend. That's not how it happened. I prefer to deal in what IS rather than "what if."
  
• I do not know if I would want to live with you if anything happened to GF and daughter. I cannot "pre-feel" before I get there. Again, I prefer to deal in what is, and not "what if."
  
• I think of you differently than I do my male friends at home. They are not my metamours.
  
• Why do you ask me these things? What is your need? How are YOU feeling?

When I avoid his invitations to go out for a night with him, or when I disappear into my room when GF isn't about, I feel guilty. Telling him that I don't love him as family feels... disrespectful? And feels like kicking a puppy who has been generous to me... Does that make sense?

It does make sense. But you could not lie about how you feel at this point in time. He doesn't need to know you struggle and you can maintain some privacy about it. You do not HAVE to love your meta.

On the other hand, if he craves connection, you could invite HIM to something -- coffee? A game of Scrabble? Just to chat and connect without it being a thing, at a time that is more handy for you and at a level you can deal with. Your shared GF comes as a "package deal." Accepting the rest of her people -- the kid, him -- comes with that. And if the price of admission here is a Scrabble game here and there with him to smooth feathers, why not?

It's not reasonable for him to ask for feelings you just do not have.

But you could choose to be generous in spirit and give him some of those intangible things in service to the greater polyship : some of your time, take an interest in conversation with him (even if he's boring to you), good wishes, kindness, credit where credit is due, appreciation, etc.

You are in polyship with him too, not just her. Sounds like he wants attention or a sense of belonging? Could it be any other needs in the "connection" bucket besides "love?" Something you could be more willing to provide? See the "connection" list here.

http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

Could that help ID what you think he needs so you can ask him.... "Hey. Are you needing some of THAT?"

Galagirl

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by sparklepop

... he's been saying he's only focused on platonic love with me and this has been the angle he's been pushing lately that I'm struggling with. He wants to text every day, go out together alone, talk on the phone, be involved in moments between GF and I and wants me to verbally reassure him of my platonic love for him.

Whats the saying? "You can't hurry love." How can someone push you to love them? Seems like it would, and does, have the opposite effect. Besides, it seems like he wants more than platonic love. Seems to me, his thinking is, if I can't have sexual love with her, at least maybe I can have romantic love. But he's calling it platonic. Daily calls and texts and one on one dates... it's not what you want or need. He's seeming needy and co dependent.

... the living arrangement is complex and I will not be able to afford to live anywhere else when I'm in their country, for at least 2-3 years. (I am self-employed and my business isn't giving me enough of a wage).

Well, gosh. Living together out of financial need and with all 3 parties not fully in agreement-- awkward!

He said that he wants to make his wife happy and as a pretty submissive guy, I can see that he is being at least partly genuine here. From a less altruistic perspective, he feels that I have helped the state of his marriage ten-fold and he worries that if I left the situation, there would be nobody to 'persuade' GF to stay with him. (They were on the brink of divorce when I came along and now this has done a complete U-turn).

OK now, this is concerning. It seems you've been used as a bandaid for their failing marriage! Now the wife, your gf, has an escape from his neediness and other issues, but he's still there, still creating conflict and pressuring you!

How do you like the pressure of being the one holding their marriage together?

This is something that GF firmly pointed out to him early on, when his boundary-pushing became an issue. He tries to find women but his mood disorders and lack of confidence tend to mean that he struggles, which is a real shame. I definitely think it would help if he had his own girlfriend. GF and I both take him out and help him look online for people, encourage his dating etc. It's just a case of finding one that sticks around.

Sounds like a lot of work, matchmaking for your metamour!

... his focus seems to be on the best friend/family side. Perhaps I should be really honest with him about that too.

Him trying to force you into either romantic love or a best friend role is not how friendship grows. When will you tire of this damn PRESSURE?

His mood/personality disorder means that he has issues with control and fixation. He kind of takes a situation and holds it in a death-grip. One of the key problems in their marriage before I came along is that GF felt very claustrophobic with him, physically and emotionally. When he struggled with attraction towards me, he couldn't just let it go, he pushed it. Now he's trying to push the platonic love/family aspect instead. It's the death-grip thing. It's strangling everything.

I can see that! How much can you look forward to your next 6 mos with gf and her kid when he's around being all weird all the time? Does not sound like an attractive scenario.

[sparklepop]

Thank you so much for this - all of you. You have all given me so much useful food for thought.


I've done a lot of thinking about this and something strikes me now.

I have always been fiercely independent - especially financially. Being in a situation where I'm effectively living off someone else has put me in a submissive mindset, I think. It's like I feel that to express my gratitude for the financial lifeline, I can't rock the boat and have to pretend that I feel something that he wants. Money creates such a strange power dynamic, hmm?

I've been thinking about how I would act and feel if I had the financial control. If I was looking after GF and hubby in my house. I know that I wouldn't feel as obligated to fake feelings I don't have. I definitely know I wouldn't push his boundaries or ask the kind of questions he asks me.

On the other hand, if I had been with her for 10+ years and my projected marital dream had changed from monogamy to having *him* move in with *us*... How would I feel if he didn't seem to like me all that much as a person? It would be pretty crap, to be sure.

I guess I'm a little trapped regardless, because I know that if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be able to even have a relationship with her. I couldn't afford to go there and she couldn't move to my country and take their daughter away from him.

I'm thinking that regardless of being self-employed, if I can struggle and get another job on top of this, maybe this would keep me from being indebted to him on the financial front and lessen the risk that if I rocked the boat, it would all be over.

From an emotional-debt standpoint.... I guess when I think about it, he has a choice and always has had a choice. He could choose to leave. He could choose to say 'no' to our V and my GF could make her choice on that. Perhaps the right balance is to be grateful and respectful towards him for accepting me, without feeling that I have to jump through manufactured 'love' hoops because he has? I've accepted him too - I've done a lot for him emotionally too.

I can also do what GG said and make a little extra, unprompted time for him. Maybe this will give him enough reassurance without the need for repetitive verbal assurances that do not feel right to me. They are of course a package deal and I've tried so hard to get to know him, be a confidant, be a friendly, caring metamour... I guess this isn't quite enough for him.*

I like the brother/sister idea a lot. I can't say that I do feel a family love for him yet... But he is more like a family member than a best friend or platonic husband to me. Brother also might help keep him from trying to push the sexual or romantic love angles.

So I guess perhaps the following plans of action?-
- be clear when he pushes a physical boundary
- make a bit more time for him, be compassionate and caring
- work on my own financial situation
- try to stop the jumping through hoops cycle / power dynamic
- assert my own right to feel what I feel, tactfully

He is a person who says "I love you" and leaves you with the sense that he said he so that he can hear it returned. He does it with GF often. He also says this to me often. I need to find a tactful way of diverting this and I'll have to think about how.

[GalaGirl]

Sounds like you are coming together with a plan to try out.

He is a person who says "I love you" and leaves you with the sense that he said he so that he can hear it returned. He does it with GF often. He also says this to me often. I need to find a tactful way of diverting this and I'll have to think about how.

How about "Thanks! That is kind. I appreciate your feelings. "

Report the weather? Because great. He loves you. Thanks. That IS kind. You do appreciate him.

There. He gets "connection" feedback in return, you don't have to be "in love" with him.

GG

[sparklepop]

Thank you, everyone. I feel way less trapped now and feel much more comfortable being able to express my true feelings (as GG said 'weather report') without worrying that it is 'ungrateful' not to express some kind of actual love.

I'm going over there in a few weeks and hopefully all of this will make our cohabiting situation more comfortable and easy!

Thank you again.

Sparklepop over and out!