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  #11  
Old 02-23-2013, 04:14 PM
Jeteo Jeteo is offline
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Thank you everyone for your replies, I will read them through and will reply and give you an update on my current situation. It's good to know that I might not be the problem, he simply changed or decided to change.
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  #12  
Old 02-23-2013, 05:44 PM
Jeteo Jeteo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
At 37, your husband sought out an 18 year old.
At 47, he did it again.
How did relationships prior to you end for your husband? Do you wonder what will happen to James in 10 years and/or is this a pattern slowly becoming apparent to you?
and this is the first time in 10 years you've seen him behave this way? Is it possible he is having mental issues or something traumatic has triggered this?
This is the longest relationship he ever had,the 2nd longest was 9 months, so it's not a habit. Yes, I wonder if James will have the same end, but right now I'm more concerned about myself and couldn't care less about what will happen to dear James.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
In your place I would certainly not try to make it work, but you might want to see if he's willing to go to couples counseling first before talking about James moving in
He is very stubborn and has refused going to couple's counseling or even alone. He really thinks this is OK that keeps saying "You have nothing to worry about".
Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
Welcome, Jeteo
Of course he should be able to *express* what he wants. Expressing sounds like this: "This might be very difficult for you to hear. I have reached a stage in my life where I have realised there is something I desperately want/need. I want/need a 24/7 D/s dynamic and I would like to have someone who lives with me, or us, who can fulfill this role. Is this something you could consider?"
Actually it started like that. But every "No" I gave was being ignored or postponed for consideration. If it wasn't such a big deal,he would have been able to quit on the idea, but he hasn't.

Demanding is this:
"I want a slave/houseboy. I'm in love with this new boy and he has to come and move in with us. If you don't like this idea, you can leave." That came a bit after,in different words, pretty much like "But I want him too,and I want you as well,otherwise I might have to let you go because I really want him and I think you can take better care of yourself than he can." This while reassuring me that he loves me more... yet willing to let me go, according to him to "avoid hurting you even more than what I have". Well... what about stopping this crap?

This is NRE gone mental.
I believe that NRE is not actually the process of falling in love with someone *else*... it's the process of falling in love with *yourself*. We feel NRE because this new person makes *us* feel good. In your husband's case, James makes him feel hot, because he's a young guy and it convinces your husband that he's still attractive at 47. He has confirmed that's how he feels,that he was surprised someone that young/cute was interested in him and that triggered this need to make his fantasy come true.

He says he doesn't love you as much, doesn't find you as attractive, so he wants to move a younger guy in and thinks that is acceptable? Indeed,the times I managed to break all contact between them,in less than 24h my husband was depressed and saying "I don't know how to fix our relationship". After fighting and crying,I'd have to agree "Ok,I'll give this a try" and then he'd be fine again! Just like a kid when he doesn't get his toy.

If your husband really wants this but still wants you and values your marriage, we're talking about "I'd really like James to move in. I'd like you to consider this over the next 6 months and see if we can work towards it. I must warn you that if you cannot, my needs may not be met and this might cause me to reconsider our compatibility." It's supposed to be a trial,he says I should give it a try and we'll fix problems as we go along,but I no longer trust him,since he changes terms and conditions and boundaries as he sees fit. I fear(know) that even if it comes to me saying "No, this is impossible for me",I know I'm the one who will have to leave.

What worries me is that you might spend another 10 years with your husband, he might swan off around the world with James, or another younger boy. You'll come out of a 20 year relationship, you'll be 38. No doubt, you'll still be hot But you'll have missed so many opportunities. I really hope I can't withstand that much pain for another 10 years.

Could your husband fulfill his fantasy of having a house boy? Could he even do his mid-life-crisis thing and go travelling around the world? In order to make him happy,I'm going to take the risk,probably at the expense of my own happiness and mental health.

The grass is always greener and to be honest, the chances are that James moved in, your husband would tire of having a houseboy soon enough. If he went travelling, he'd probably realise what a fool he was being soon enough, too. I suggested we do a smaller trip, as a test, because I will he will be fucking bored from being on the road for 1 month sleeping in a RV. He always complains about his back (office work) and being on the road for a month, little to no internet access,crappy food and a bad mattress... that is probably going to save my marriage lol...
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Wow, great response sparklepop.
Would your husband assent to you bringing a burlier, buffer, hairier, and more forcefully dominating older man into your home for your benefit, along with James, making this a foursome arrangement?
I did suggest it,but guess the answer?No. You can't really reason with a Dom person. Especially not while under NRE.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Has he emotionally abandoned you? Has he not been PRESENT in the relationship if all this stuff is news to you? A year is a lot. Was he telling you all along and you not wanting to listen? Or he did not bother to make you aware of his changing wants, needs, and limits at all? He really did not give any signs,he told me he kept it to himself,and cried alone when I wasn't looking.I don't even know if it's true or if it's his excuse to pursue this adventure.I think he is trying to find justifications to pursue something that he knows is stupid.

When was your husband's last health check up?
I suggested therapy,even couple's counseling, but he refused it right away. Crazy people don't think they are crazy, right? Sometimes he even makes me wonder if I am the crazy one for not agreeing with his thoughts.

You may not enjoy starting a new chapter of your life without him, but you will not enjoy starting a new chapter of your life WITH him under these conditions! You can choose to love him from a safer place, that is OUT of the line of fire if he's hell bent on crazy self destructive or relationship destructive things.
Truth is that if I leave him,I can never get back together with him.I already have no self respect, he tried to breakup and I begged him not to. A partner should never have to beg for anything,I lost all self respect when I begged on my knees.
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  #13  
Old 02-23-2013, 08:01 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Oh Jeteo,

This is heartbreaking. I feel terrible for you.

A few points. He's not being a Dom. He's being an idiot. A Dom, even one in the middle of extreme NRE, takes notice of his sub's concerns. This is unacceptable behavior for anyone. A good Dom is supposed to care for your welfare too, not just what his dick wants.

Also, he appears unwilling to change anything or to listen to you. Or go to therapy or do anything that challenges what he wants to do. He is going to do what he is going to do. He is deep in some hellish combination of selfishness, mid-life crisis, cute boy syndrome, and NRE. And he is not smart enough or self-aware enough to see the life ring you are throwing him.

I'm so sorry. This is going to be hard to read.

Your marriage is over.

You didn't deserve this. You didn't do anything to cause it. It is not your fault. You've attempted to find a compromise. One is not possible with him right now.

It's time to save yourself.

It's time to leave, Jeteo. Why now? Why not try the travel and living with the 18 year old?

Because of this statement - pasted because I muffed the quote feature -

'[Galagirl]You may not enjoy starting a new chapter of your life without him, but you will not enjoy starting a new chapter of your life WITH him under these conditions! You can choose to love him from a safer place, that is OUT of the line of fire if he's hell bent on crazy self destructive or relationship destructive things.

[Jeteo's response] Truth is that if I leave him,I can never get back together with him.I already have no self respect, he tried to breakup and I begged him not to. A partner should never have to beg for anything,I lost all self respect when I begged on my knees.'

A spouse should never lose self-respect on behalf of a partner. Never. I know you love him, married him, and want to stay with him. But he has already left you and this marriage. You are begging over a corpse and a part of you already knows this.

It is never ok to self destruct for a partner. It is NEVER EVER OK to make yourself less than who you are for a partner. You are worth so much more than this.

The only thing you can control is your actions. Act to preserve your sanity and well-being, your life. I am very serious. Staying in this marriage under these conditions is destructive to you. It is soul destroying.

Please, for the sake of your soul, leave.
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  #14  
Old 02-23-2013, 08:11 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Opalescent put it better than I could. I completely agree.

Since you say you've lost self-respect, now if the time to start re-building your self-respect by choosing self-respecting behaviors. Do not go along with his crazy plans and schemes. Do not give in to his manipulations and gaslighting. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.

Leave the situation and start taking care of YOURSELF. I understand that you love him so it's going to be really, really, REALLY difficult, but he is not showing you love at all in any of this. You WILL be okay on your own (and it's okay to fall back on friends and family as needed also).
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  #15  
Old 02-23-2013, 09:05 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeteo View Post
This is the longest relationship he ever had,the 2nd longest was 9 months, so it's not a habit. Yes, I wonder if James will have the same end, but right now I'm more concerned about myself and couldn't care less about what will happen to dear James.


I can't tell you how refreshing it is to hear that. So many people in your position are trying to protect everyone else, they fail to take care of number one. have no doubt that whatever outcome this has, you yourself will be just fine in the long run, as long as you look out for your own well-being first.

Quote:


I did suggest it,but guess the answer?No. You can't really reason with a Dom person. Especially not while under NRE.

Yes you can reason with a Dom, NRE or not. You cannot however reason with a 47-year-old adolescent. A "Dom" has nothing to do with being unreasonable. D/s doesn't mean that the sub has to put up with whatever infantile bullshit the Dom feels like dealing out that day of the week.
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  #16  
Old 02-23-2013, 09:11 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
Truth is that if I leave him,I can never get back together with him.I already have no self respect, he tried to breakup and I begged him not to. A partner should never have to beg for anything,I lost all self respect when I begged on my knees.'
To me that sounds like you went into shock. Don't worry so much about what you do in the heat of the moment, in shock, when you are just not in the right frame of mind.

Worry more about getting back INTO a sensible frame of mind and making clear, sensible decisions that are in the interest of YOUR own best healths and YOUR own well being.

This is going to suck either way. No doubt about it. Could choose the path of least suckage. Could choose to leave this situation and letting him deal with whatever wacky he wants to chase.
  • He wants to live with James? Great. Go live with James and James' house then. You are not living with James. He is free. So are you.
  • He wants to sell all the things and go travel? Great. Split up the things, he sells his things, he can go. You are not going. He is free. So are you.

But YOU say "NO!" to this madness for yourself. You do not have to participate in things that do not interest you. (I know that is understatement.)

If you truly think he is suffering from anosognosia, where he is loopy in the head and does not realize he is ill and loopy in the head, it will be VERY hard to deal with. Esp if he does not want to go get treatment. Do you think you are looking at involuntary commitment?

Is he a danger to himself or others? Is he depressed? Manic up and down bipolar? First with the crying in the night and then this "wheee!" fantasy stuff? Clearly this is bad, but you are the one who is there to know HOW "bad" this bad is. It's too hard to tell from a distance online.

But dx or not -- on the James/gypsy travel front it's still a big fat NO, for YOU right? So go with the "NO! I will NOT be a part of this." And let that be what it will be. He wants to break up over it and be wacky, so be it. He wants to yell at you because you "won't let him" do wacky -- fine. Yell.

Ignore him for a bit. Get YOURSELF into a healthier space first. Then determine the next choice that is on YOUR plate:
  • If you need to deal with some serious health care actions, prepare.
  • If you are just done, be done and walk away. Alert his next of kin and save yourself.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-23-2013 at 09:17 PM.
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  #17  
Old 02-25-2013, 04:34 PM
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RfromRMC RfromRMC is offline
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I got to this thread late and lots of good advice already.
Suffice to say, this isn't Poly. This is part Dirty Old Man Syndrome, part Asshole-itis, and you need to free yourself from this creep as fast as possible.

It is NOT ethical nonmonogamy when someone pushes another person around to accept a multiple-person arrangement. And then the fact that he would say no if you found another partner you like just says he's a plain Hypocrite, period.

This dude just sounds like bad news, plain and simple.

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  #18  
Old 02-25-2013, 05:27 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Ah Jeteo,

What you do is your decision. I know that you aren't going to make a decision based on a group of internet strangers. But, I do hope that you take the advice in and bear it in mind when you make your decision.

I agree with everything everyone else has said in response to your last post here and your overall thread.

Yes, a sexually dominant person can have a dominant (even domineering) personality. But a*good* Dom/me also has traits such as patience, nurturing, responsibility, humility. I am a Domme and whilst asserting control is a part of my personality, I cannot act like a spoilt child simply because I am sexually dominant. I would never dream of wanting to.

My GF's husband has quite a submissive 'personality' and the two of them have gotten themselves into a cycle after ten years where she pretty much calls the shots and he follows. The fact that she isn't like that with me tells me that it's not all her. I refuse to follow, I stand up for myself and my own beliefs, and this means that we don't have the same dynamic as the two of them have.

If you let yourself be treated a certain way, you will be treated a certain way. It doesn't matter that you got down on your knees - we are all capable of begging in some form when we are scared. It doesn't matter how you've been in the past - it matters where you are now.

So you have two choices. Go with what he wants and give in to James moving in. Accept that making that decision is going to continue to put you underneath your husband's thumb for the duration of your marriage. Accept that saying yes to something you absolutely do not want is going to place all future decisions in your husband's hands.

Second choice is to stand up now and either leave, move out, or refuse to have James live with you. Accept that making that decision will be scary and difficult. Accept that making that decision is going to empower you to find your own self-worth and find someone who will actually understand what a marriage is all about - partnership.
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  #19  
Old 02-25-2013, 11:34 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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"You can't really reason with a Dom person."

Yeah, I know this one's been beaten (heh) to death already, but I gotta chime in. My roommates are in a 24/7 TPE marriage. I've chatted at length and played with a woman who won the International Ms. Leather competition. I've been involved with a lovely Canadian man with nearly 20 years of experience as a dom (even makes his own toys!). Not to mention that my gf is also my dom (though admittedly we're still building our dynamic). My pont is, I know from doms. They're people, and nothing about them is inherently unreasonable, since being reasonable is merely a matter of being able to listen and genuinely respond to another person... which is, in fact, exactly the sensitivity and insight that makes for the best, cruelest, most intense domination imho... the kind that knows just how to get inside you and flay you open because it *understands* you... errr, *cough* I may be getting off topic.

Anyways, I'm sure some doms ARE impossible to reason with. But y'know what, I bet they'd be that way even if they were vanilla clones of themselves... it sure isn't like vanilla people are immune from being unreasonable. Don't let this guy get off the hook for being impossible to reason with just because you think it's part of who he is as a dom! It's who he is as a *person*.
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  #20  
Old 03-30-2013, 08:20 PM
Jeteo Jeteo is offline
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Time for an update: 3 weeks ago, after my husband nearly broke up with me, many fights, many tears and some broken glass... he finally kicked James out of our lives! It was extremely hard to make him do it (fortunately the boy did some mistakes that worked in my favor, such as buying a webcam for porn shows and even told me "go fcku yourself").

Eventually my husband understood that he had to stop changing rules every time James f-ed up, so he told him things weren't going to work ... because James and I clash too much. Now, I wish he would have admitted it was because James is a mess, but even after all this, my husband STILL wanted to remain friends with him (which I know would again lead to James being once again "considered" in a full time position for a trio). He even said "Ok, you guys don't like each other, but I'm attracted to him, could I meet him alone, just for sex?" Seriously...

Conclusion: he isn't having contact with James, not as far as I can tell. I've been monitoring WhatsApp and Skype, and since James didn't block me on neither of those (but I asked him to block my husband) it doesn't seem like they've been having any contact for the past 3 weeks. However, my husband works as a freelancer and sometimes spends 4 nights of the week out: while I don't think they are meeting (James lives very far) I don't know if they are talking on the phone/email.

So, now that James is out... it leaves me with the other part of the problem: that my husband told me that he wasn't sexually attracted to me, which really hurt me. I'm young, attractive and I'm working out and doing progress, it really hurt me when he said he wasn't sexually attracted to me.

Ever since, sex has become a big deal for me. When we don't have sex (and since he is usually gone for half the week) it makes me feel "in danger", that something is wrong. Before James, we used to have sex once or twice a week, which isn't much ... but I got used to it. Now, well.. we did it 3 times this month (March), so that doesn't even make it once a week.

Since it's only been 3 weeks that he broke contact with James (and he didn't want to do it) I imagine that he is hurt and stressed. But I'm also hurt and stressed! It stresses me that he wanks twice a day when he has a pretty good husband who would like to have sex. It stresses me that when he wakes up at 6am ( and I'm clean and ready) all he does is "Good morning.. go back to sleep" and goes to the other room and wanks.

I feel that now that I know that our relationship was/is in danger, I evaluate everything to the most minute detail. Maybe I'm seeing problems where there aren't.
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