Life as it is
There are a lot of religions in this world. It is interesting to me that whenever someone dies regardless of religion grief, sorrow, emotions are alike. Depending on the culture the expressions are different. Every culture, every religion, every political ideology believes it. Death is a very mysterious event to me... I was told if one is born one will die someday. Death is the only event in life which is guaranteed to happen.
Across the street an elderly gentleman died this morning. I haven’t seen him for awhile. I don’t know him very well. Still when I heard the news it made me stop doing what I was doing. A lot of questions came to my mind. Some are about him and his death. But most are about me and my life.
Death completes a life. The question came to my mind: how my life is. I don’t know. I wanted to be lots of things. Now I know most of those things are unachievable. I don’t have any regret. I have new sets of targets.
A lot of people are coming in to that house. The angel of death has come on weekend. I suspect more people will show up. It is making me think who will come to my funeral. I know people. I have good friends. I helped people. But who will come?
Last year I met a married couple. They are very warm and wonderful couple. Since September I, she and he have become we. It is going very well. No hierarchy. They have invited me to live with them but I declined. They are financially, I say, above average. I’m just a student with few extra bucks. Government pretty much pays for my education. The rest I take care of myself. I don’t believe I’ll be able to put anything on the table, financially that is, if I move in with them. I don’t want to be an extra baggage.
We do things together. We do things one-on-one as well. I become her consultant and companion when it comes to shopping and redecoration. Other day I had lunch with him. He was very depressed and angry. We were planning how he would kill his boss and a client with zapping gun. We were giggling and laughing so much that others were staring at us at the restaurant. It was fun. When they were looking for a new place they asked my advice. I had no idea what couple/family look for when they wanted to rent/own a property.
I like them. I like their touch. I like the crowdy bed. I like the dirty talks there. I like the pinching, kicking, biting there. I like them very much. I like when she shares her feelings. I like when she meets me when she is hurt. I like when he complains about her and wanted to talk about our relationship with me. I like when I become the mediator/negotiator. Actually I don’t have to do anything. They talk I just sit there. At the end… group hug.
Death has brought me a simple question: what is the future? The couple doesn’t have any kid. Someday they will. What will be my role? Will I be satisfied there? What if my expectations and/or theirs change with time? Ha… its true death is the only event of life which is guaranteed to happen…
Few days ago I met a very skilled man. He is very good with ropes. The way he does his tie-up thing an orgasm is guaranteed. He is also good with words… good in bed. But I don’t see future there either. He lacks ambition. He is happy where he is at the moment. The most important part is he and I don’t see the world, life in general from same point of view. I may not win Noble prize but I have high hopes.
I spent a lot of time with computers. I have four computers and another one is on the way. Most people, including my relatives, don’t know what I really am. They see I’m the asexual weird one who lives with books and computers. No relationship. I kinda like it. Nobody bothers me. Most weekends, I love spending my time with books and computers. No human interaction.
What they will say in my funeral? Unsocial? Introvert? Emotionally handicap? "Yeah… she used to do things with the things… did things… tried to do that thing… I don’t know what thing was that…" Most computer users know Steve Jobs, the Apple guy. How many know about Dennis Ritchie? He died the same year. Not many know what kind of "fruit" Dennis Ritchie was. Dennis Ritchie was good in things… he did a thing with a thing…
The deceased have lots of grandchildren. This is probably their first death. Unlike other time children are not making much noise. Probably they are trying to understand what "your grandfather will never come back" means… Probably he was a loving grandfather. Probably he used to bring chocolate with him… Probably he was a treasure of stories… He was always there. Now he’ll never come back. … He is there but he is not there anymore…
While growing up I really didn’t have anyone. My father was busy. My mother was also busy. I had pain. I was there left alone. I didn’t have that many friends then. I had lots of imaginary friends. Then one day she had appeared like an angel. We became friends and then more than friends. Then one day she called me her girlfriend.
She is trying to have a child of her own. Alas! Lady luck has a different idea… She likes to make fun of her own sorrow. According to her, its better that she doesn’t have a child, because she is unhappy in her marriage. I don’t like her husband either. Good thing is I don’t need to. But I am really sorry for her. In my heart I want her to leave her marriage and come to me for forever. In reality, I know that will never happen.
I know her for a long time. She is my first human friend, she is my first girlfriend. When I wanted to gave up she was the one who grabbed me and told me that I could do that. She is different… If it were a movie I’d probably have said she completes me. She is a source of lots of good memories. Growing up she and I did lots of first time things together. When she got married I was very angry and upset. I felt someone just ripped something from me. Good for me she came back.
This morning when I heard the angel of death has visited the neighborhood I was making breakfast for her. I don’t make breakfast. Not for the couple, not for the hung rope guy, not even for me. Most days I drink fruit juice or coffee… Some morning if I am hungry I shove whatever I find in the fridge in my mouth hole. She’s the only one I make breakfast. When I first heard the news of death I went to check on her. She was still asleep. I felt something that she is with me.
I want her by my side for rest of my life. Can it happen? For how long? Future?
What am I doing in my life? Am I just collecting relationships? Relationships which don’t have future? Am I using these relationships to fill the hours when I’m not in classes, with books or computers?
I thought I had most of the answers… This morning angel of death has informed me that I don’t have most of the answers. HA…