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Old 02-22-2013, 05:51 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467
Default pushy metamour

Hello lovely people,

Long story short, when I met my GF two years ago, she'd only just opened up their marriage. I later discovered that Hubby was extremely reluctant and it was a 'coerced poly' situation. However, he genuinely liked me (the old 'dating a woman is less painful than dating another man' chestnut). We live in separate countries, but I stay with them for a total of about 6 months per year, until I can move there permanently.

During this time, Hubby has done things that I am unspeakably in awe of, and grateful for. Firstly, accepting me into their marriage and home with open arms. Secondly, providing immense financial support. Not long after meeting them in person, I was made redundant. They basically completely rescued me and made an immediate commitment to me that I was not expecting or asking for. He has paid for most of my flights, almost all of my expenses over there, paid for my GF and I to have weekends away. Though GF feels that his money is *their* money, because they are married... essentially, he's the one going out to work. Finally, he's also always vehemently fought my corner whenever GF has had an issue with me.

Here is my problem....

Originally, Hubby hoped I would be their Unicorn. GF liked this idea too, but didn't expect it. In the past, he has been very pushy with boundaries. He would never harm me or assault me! But he is very tactile and used to constantly touch me, hug me, try to stroke my hair, or some such. He would constantly make flirtatious or downright pervy remarks, thinking he was being funny. His hugs or kisses would last way too long. He still struggles with GF and I doing 'relationship' or 'friendship' things together when he is not involved.

With some firm words from GF and some gentle ones from me, this behaviour really improved last time I was there. However, I think it created a barrier for me that I'm finding difficult to get past.

Here's the other problem... I started to learn that he and I really don't have much in common. He can be very envious. His perviness has improved, but his lack of boundaries and respect for personal space make him quite difficult to live with at times. He also has a couple of mood disorders that make him quite strenuous to interact with at times.

Despite all of this, I actually love living with them and I do respect him a great deal. I don't want to live separately. I am extremely attached to their daughter and she is to me. I see my relationship with him almost the way I might see working with someone every day - you chit chat, you have a little laugh, you might even hug them when they walk in, but you don't necessarily need to socialise with them or be the best of friends. I absolutely don't want him out of the picture in the slightest and I am happy with a basic level of interaction. I'm really thrilled with the fact that he and I don't ever fight and that, at least on my part, I feel absolutely no jealousy about his relationship with GF. For me, it's all ok and manageable.

However... I am due to go back soon and hubby is fixating on our relationship again. He has been struggling with the fact that I spend about 4-6 hours a night on Skype with GF, but don't want to text him every day. In truth, we just don't have enough in common and I don't even text my best friend more than once every couple of weeks. He is asking uncomfortable, direct questions about whether I love him as a family member, whether I would be friends with him if we'd met outside of GF, whether I'd still want to live with him if ever anything happened to GF and daughter, whether I think of him in the same way I think about my two male best friends at home.

When I've gently suggested that I'm ok with a basic level of interaction, he becomes down and obsessed with anxiety about our relationship. If I tell him the truth, it's going to hurt him, possibly even ruin things between the three of us. I'm not sure whether it's better to pretend that I do, to keep the peace and show my gratitude for all he has done for me... or whether to be more honest, so that he stops expecting our relationship to be forced into an artificial box. Does anyone have any advice or personal experience of anything like this?
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha

Last edited by sparklepop; 02-22-2013 at 05:55 PM.
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