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  #1  
Old 02-21-2013, 03:24 PM
Jeteo Jeteo is offline
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Default Husband demands a houseboy (permanent threesome arrangement)

Iím 28 and my husband is 47 and weíve been together for 10 years, married for 4 (gay couple).

Five years into the relationship he suggested having threesomes, until I finally gave in and we set our rules: weíd both agree on meeting that person, always together, and only for sex. Last December we met an 18 year old guy (letís call him James)for which he sort of fell in love with (they were chatting way too much, the guy is totally his type, and I felt my husband was becoming less interested in me. He also asked James if he wanted to be a backup boyfriend in case things didnít work well with me). He did all this while always reassuring me that I had no reason to be concerned!

Last month he dropped this huge bomb on me: he said he hasnít been happy for the past YEAR(!), that he isnít sexually attracted to me as much as before (and modesty aside I am good looking, fit, attractive and could get laid in less than 10 minutes if Iíd want to) and that he didnít love me as much as before. He said he wanted James to become our house boy/slave boy and live permanently with us, and that he wants to travel the world (literally selling everything we have to travel the world like gypsies). This was all said within 1 hour; I was devastated, I couldnít believe that I had been married to this stranger; I couldnít and still canít recognize this person.

I am strongly opposed to having James with us, since itís clear that he is indeed a threat to my relationship and that I am at risk of losing my husband to a boy we met 2 months ago. James also wants to come live with us, he says he likes us both, but clearly he likes my husband bestÖ James and I are bottoms and my husband is the only top.

My husband has demanded that James comes to live with us and has literally made that a deal breaker for our relationship: that I must accept it, or we should split because he wants to be a dominant top with a submissive slave boy.

He seems more willing to pursue this adventure than to stay in this relationship. He knows it's not even logic, but can't control it.

I love my husband very much and would do anything for him, but I canít understand why he is doing this to me, how can he put our relationship on the table like this? He says he still loves me, and wants this threesome arrangement to work, and that he wants both of us, but I no longer feel safe in this. I donít want to leave him because I love him with all my heart, but I donít even like JamesÖ I have no idea what to do.

Do I try to see if this arrangement will work at all? Should I just leave my husband, even if I love him and have been together and faithful to him for the past 10 years? We got together when I was 18, Iím not sure I want/am ready to start a new life from scratchÖ
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Old 02-21-2013, 10:24 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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At 37, your husband sought out an 18 year old.
At 47, he did it again.
How did relationships prior to you end for your husband? Do you wonder what will happen to James in 10 years and/or is this a pattern slowly becoming apparent to you?

I only mention the above because while what your husband wants to do could be fabulous for partners who want the same, it isn't likely if this is about an age fetish. Love doesn't always mean sexual or romantic exclusivity for everyone. But love never means use up and then treat like a busted toy 10 years later. Only you would know if any of that applies to your situation.

Either way, that he demands this isn't a very loving attitude. He has only know James for two months and this is the first time in 10 years you've seen him behave this way? Is it possible he is having mental issues or something traumatic has triggered this?
If those can be ruled out then it sounds to me like even if you wanted to save your relationship with your husband, he has already told you THAT relationship is over and one you are not sure you want is your only alternative with him. You might just be selling your self esteem off bit by bit for every little bit longer it buys you with him and still not having the relationship you want.

I too did the whole married in my teens only to be single (with a child!) again at your age so let me assure you - it can be the best thing that ever happened despite how hard or scary it seems right now.

Take care of you and I hope things get better.
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  #3  
Old 02-22-2013, 01:24 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I'm so sorry to hear that this is happening to you.

When I was 17/18, I fell deeply in love with a man who was 30/31 at the time. I thought that we were special and that age was just a number. We were together for just six months before we split up, and I never stopped missing him. Four years later, when he admitted that he felt like he'd made a mistake and missed me, I couldn't say no. We gave it another try, first as partners, then as friends with benefits, but neither thing worked out. He honestly believed he was in love with me, I was close enough to him to know that he was being genuine about that... but his actions didn't match his words, I could only conclude that he was honestly confused. He just wasn't into me in the same way as before, and eventually I accepted that and let him be.

As time went on, I found out from other people who knew him well that he'd had a marked pattern of falling for younger women, and of not being able to sustain a long term relationship. He's now dating a woman four years younger than me.

Looking back, it seems likely to me that he was an ephebophile (http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ephebophilia). How someone like that can ever really maintain an LTR, I just don't know. :/

Anyways, it seems to me you have two choices. Accept your partner's preference and adjust to the idea that he will likely continue to collect young lovers as time goes on. Or, decide that that isn't for you, and let him go. Me, I'd opt for the latter... even if you think you could deal with it without becoming bitter, what's up with how insensitive he's been about this whole thing? He should be talking this out with you as an equal, not making demands and expecting you to suddenly uproot your life and become a gypsy (that part sounds like a plain old mid life crisis). As Dan Savage would say, DTMFA.

Best of luck.
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Last edited by AnnabelMore; 02-22-2013 at 01:27 AM.
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Old 02-22-2013, 02:22 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I'm sorry about the situation you find yourself in. In your place I would certainly not try to make it work, but you might want to see if he's willing to go to couples counseling first before talking about James moving in (or anything of that nature) again, it would probably be enlightening to say the least. It's not right for him to talk to you or treat you that way, and I imagine if you let him get away with it, there's more where that came from.
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Old 02-22-2013, 01:35 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Welcome, Jeteo

Your husband isn't treating your relationship as a marriage - he's treating it as a dictatorship. And as GalaGirl once said to me... he's being flipping FRESH!!!

In terms of D/s, are you bottom and top, not 24/7 Master and slave? I'm guessing that you have not committed to handing over your entire life - simply sexual submission? And now your husband is saying he *does* want a slave/houseboy? Then, don't act like his slave - be his husband. Stand up for what you want. It's your right.

Of course he should be able to *express* what he wants. Expressing sounds like this:

"This might be very difficult for you to hear. I have reached a stage in my life where I have realised there is something I desperately want/need. I want/need a 24/7 D/s dynamic and I would like to have someone who lives with me, or us, who can fulfill this role. Is this something you could consider?"

Demanding is this:

"I want a slave/houseboy. I'm in love with this new boy and he has to come and move in with us. If you don't like this idea, you can leave."

Quote:
Last month he dropped this huge bomb on me: he said he hasnít been happy for the past YEAR(!), that he isnít sexually attracted to me as much as before (and modesty aside I am good looking, fit, attractive and could get laid in less than 10 minutes if Iíd want to) and that he didnít love me as much as before. He said he wanted James to become our house boy/slave boy and live permanently with us, and that he wants to travel the world (literally selling everything we have to travel the world like gypsies). This was all said within 1 hour; I was devastated, I couldnít believe that I had been married to this stranger; I couldnít and still canít recognize this person.
Can you say Mid-Life Crisis?

This is NRE gone mental.

If this helps at all, I'd like you to consider something that I strongly believe in. I believe that NRE is not actually the process of falling in love with someone *else*... it's the process of falling in love with *yourself*. We feel NRE because this new person makes *us* feel good. In your husband's case, James makes him feel hot, because he's a young guy and it convinces your husband that he's still attractive at 47. It likely also makes him feel in control; obviously an important need for a Dom. It's why NRE junkies exist - they need that constant buzz of attention and adoration, because of the way it makes them feel about *themselves*.

I say this to you because I don't think it is *you* that is the problem. I think that your husband has reached the stage that many people do at his age. Also, at this stage in a relationship - the 10 year slump/itch. Of course, he could have fallen out of love with you - but that doesn't mean it's your fault. It doesn't mean you're a horrid, unattractive or unlovable person. It simply means that you are no longer working for each other in the same way.

Your husband is not acting like a husband - there are no two ways about this. He says he doesn't love you as much, doesn't find you as attractive, so he wants to move a younger guy in and thinks that is acceptable? As if, somehow, you should say "Oh of course darling - if you're not attracted to me any more, you should absolutely move in someone who is more attractive to you! Get that need met, my love!" No, no, no.

Quote:
I am strongly opposed to having James with us, since itís clear that he is indeed a threat to my relationship and that I am at risk of losing my husband to a boy we met 2 months ago. James also wants to come live with us, he says he likes us both, but clearly he likes my husband bestÖ James and I are bottoms and my husband is the only top.
I don't blame you for being strongly opposed. Even if James wasn't a threat in the slightest, it's *your* right to have your say on who lives with *you*.

Quote:
Do I try to see if this arrangement will work at all? Should I just leave my husband, even if I love him and have been together and faithful to him for the past 10 years?
You shouldn't have been put into this position in the first place. You've been given an ultimatum, not a consideration. If your husband really wants this but still wants you and values your marriage, we're talking about "I'd really like James to move in. I'd like you to consider this over the next 6 months and see if we can work towards it. I must warn you that if you cannot, my needs may not be met and this might cause me to reconsider our compatibility."

It's *completely* acceptable to say that you don't want anyone else living with you - now, or in the future. It's completely acceptable to assert your own wants and needs. If they aren't compatible, it doesn't mean you should cave.

What worries me is that you might spend another 10 years with your husband, he might swan off around the world with James, or another younger boy. You'll come out of a 20 year relationship, you'll be 38. No doubt, you'll still be hot But you'll have missed so many opportunities.

Quote:
We got together when I was 18, Iím not sure I want/am ready to start a new life from scratchÖ
This is an incredibly terrifying concept, I know. Nobody here can tell you that you should leave. You're describing a problem in your marriage - not your ten year relationship. The only thing I can do for you is put various options out there and give you food for thought.

Anecdote time:

Like Annabel, I've always had a thing for older partners. In D/s we call that mommy/boy and daddy/girl... or in our case mommy/girl and daddy/boy It's never been a fetish of mine in the actual fetish sense - but it became blindingly obvious to me that I was seeking some kind of parental figure in my relationships. (I'm sure I still am - my girlfriend is 38 and I'm 28!)

Almost every partner I've had has been older. I want to tell you about one in particular. When I was 18, I met a man who was 31. I fell in love with him and it was an intensely special relationship that lasted 5 years. I would have married him and probably spent at least 10 years with him; if not my entire life.

I was petrified about leaving him. I loved him very deeply, he was and still is my soul mate. (We are still very close, after 10 years of knowing each other). But, when I left him, a new chapter in my life began. I got to travel a bit, I got to explore other people, explore myself. I became more confident, independent, strong. I was no longer dependent on him looking after me. And don't get me wrong; I wasn't a mess when I was with him. I was a very happy person. But leaving that relationship dynamic did me the world of good.

The thought I want to leave you with is this...

There are many different kinds of relationships.

It is possible to change a relationship into something more healthy.

It is possible to have a relationship of companionship, or even romantic love, it is possible to remain married, or remain close, whilst not necessarily living together.

It is possible to walk out of the door, but leave it open.

Some relationships are very special - and yours very well might be. Some relationships are valuable, even if they end or change. Some relationships are only right for a certain amount of time.

Could your husband fulfill his fantasy of having a house boy? Could he even do his mid-life-crisis thing and go travelling around the world? Could you go and do your late-twenties thing and see what else is out there too? All of these things are possible. Could you stay and have James move in? You could... but if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't take that unwanted path.

The grass is always greener and to be honest, the chances are that James moved in, your husband would tire of having a houseboy soon enough. If he went travelling, he'd probably realise what a fool he was being soon enough, too. Or, of course, he'd realise that this is really what he wants. And if that is the case, why stay in a marriage that is no longer compatible, wasting your youth, love, time and - let's face it - hotness on half-met dreams, whilst he fulfills all of his? Marriage is about compromise, about putting each other's needs first at times. But it is not about denying all of yours in order to let them have theirs.
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ďPeace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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  #6  
Old 02-22-2013, 03:03 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Wow, great response sparklepop.

It occurred to me to consider your situation from this angle, OP --

Would your husband assent to you bringing a burlier, buffer, hairier, and more forcefully dominating older man into your home for your benefit, along with James, making this a foursome arrangement?
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Old 02-22-2013, 04:12 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Wow, great response sparklepop.

It occurred to me to consider your situation from this angle, OP --

Would your husband assent to you bringing a burlier, buffer, hairier, and more forcefully dominating older man into your home for your benefit, along with James, making this a foursome arrangement?
^^^ Like this idea!! Hahaha... now, that would be interesting, wouldn't it?

(And thank you - my response was so damn long and waffly that I was almost embarrassed to leave it!)
__________________

Me: (30f) open poly
In a long-term, long-distance relationship with GF (40f)
Casual FWB with Descartes (27f)

Metamours:
Hubby (GF's husband)
Garcon (GF's boyfriend)



ďPeace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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Old 02-22-2013, 04:42 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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I'm so sorry your husband is behaving like this. He is totally caught up in the NRE, and his desire for the teenagers is a bit disturbing. His demands are offputting for sure. My gut reaction would be to walk away and let him do his thing, and maybe he'll recover his from his NRE-induced fog and come back begging for forgiveness.

But I know that's much easier said than done when you've invested a huge chunk of your life and emotional energy into someone you truly love. I'm in a somewhat similar position myself. Is there any way you could get him into some marriage counselling? Sometimes that disinterested third-party can get someone to begin thinking of the serious repercussions of their actions, and can sometimes cause the serious introspection that can help cut through the NRE fog.
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Old 02-22-2013, 05:12 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I don't blame you for feeling shock. I just read it and I feel like "whoa! This is awful!" So your feeling is not unfounded. I am sorry you are hurting.

Others have already given good input. I'm going to just sum up how I understand this and give my input. So this is what the situation is?

Quote:
My husband told me last month that
  • he hasn’t been happy for the past YEAR(!)
  • he isn’t sexually attracted to me as much as before and he didn’t love me as much as before.
  • He wanted James , guy he's known 2 mos, to become our house boy/slave boy and live permanently with us
  • he wants to travel the world (literally selling everything we have to travel the world like gypsies).
  • I must accept it, or we should split because he wants to be a dominant top with a submissive slave boy. It is a dealbreaker for him.

I am
  • upset (for many reasons)
  • not willing to have James move in.
  • not willing to sell everything and travel like that
  • feeling like he's some stranger I cannot recognize
  • feeling not safe in this situation.
  • feeling devalued and our relationship devalued ("I can’t understand why he is doing this to me, how can he put our relationship on the table like this?")
  • feeling confused from his mixed messages. (He wants all those things above, and then says "He says he still loves me, and wants this threesome arrangement to work, and that he wants both of us. " But he approaches me with less than loving behavior. Behavior I find upsetting and confusing. )
A good domme understands the care and keeping of a sub. No sub? Doesn't get to BE a domme. And you can only domme ethically within the framework established and negotiated with the sub. This sounds like it steps outside your framework. It's beyond fresh, selfish. It's sounding crazy, unsafe. Is he well?

At this point? SAY NO. I AM NOT WILLING TO GO ALONG WITH THIS.

Put the brakes on this. You will hurt either way, so save yourself from MORE incoming pain.

Some choices in life are not "win/lose" but "this stinks, and this stinks. So which stinks the least then?"

I'd go with NOT dealing with James in your house, NOT dealing with traveling the world like gypsies. Those def do not sound fun to you, so do not reach toward those things. Plain and simple. This is your personal limitation.

Quote:
He seems more willing to pursue this adventure than to stay in this relationship. He knows it's not even logic, but can't control it.
Has he emotionally abandoned you? Has he not been PRESENT in the relationship if all this stuff is news to you? A year is a lot. Was he telling you all along and you not wanting to listen? Or he did not bother to make you aware of his changing wants, needs, and limits at all?

I was wondering about his mental health too. Because I was reading and thinking -- "Dude! Is this guy even ok in his mental health? All this stuff sounds over the top!" When was your husband's last health check up?

You could respond with something like this...
"I love you. I do not love THIS.

This plan sounds over the top to me. This person you have known only 2 months and you want them to move in. You want to sell all our stuff and be an impulsive world traveler. This is impulsive stuff that I do not care for.

I would like to request you get a health check up. Even you say this is not logical and cannot control it. You seem out of control, so get a health screening. If you are not well, let's find out before making major life decisions.

If you are unwilling to get a screening, and you insist on this and want it to be like a dealbreaker? Then my regretful answer sadly has to be NO. Deal broken then.

I am just not willing to get myself into a situation like that. I am responsible for looking out for my own mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health and none of your offer is healthy sounding for me. Offer declined. Thank you. "
You may not enjoy starting a new chapter of your life without him, but you will not enjoy starting a new chapter of your life WITH him under these conditions! You can choose to love him from a safer place, that is OUT of the line of fire if he's hell bent on crazy self destructive or relationship destructive things.

Either way there will be some pain, so pick the choice that pains YOU less. Choose your own best healths and your own well being -- choose to put your OWN oxygen mask on first.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-23-2013 at 04:35 AM.
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Old 02-22-2013, 06:39 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Wow! Great advice from the members above!

I am sorry for your pain. Starting over sucks, but it's so worth it. I left my husband at age 54 (he was 56) and I am sooooo glad I did! If I can do it, anyone can.

Good luck and cyberhugs.
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