feel like there might be an answer I'm too inexperienced to see
Yes I'm new to these forums, nice to meet you too.
Ok so I know that as a group, poly ppl have a lot of stored relationship experience and that is really what I want to tap into right now.
K(partner of 6 years)
H(Third for about 6 months, known for 5 years)
about a year ago, me and k started reconnecting with some of our friends that we had fallen out with while I was in the army. H was one of those friends. I soon saw that well, this was going to be deeper this time. K and H were falling in love. K started asking me how to deal with H, how to not fall in love with her since we were together. I said, don't, its ok, fall in love. I am for more love not less. This is not a new concept for me and is something that I feel is totally doable for everyone involved. So we went all in.
H lives in another state, might be a big cause of the following, but I more want to know if I am somehow evaluating my emotions wrong or somehow putting pressure I don't intend to somewhere.
I am feeling, rejected, or neglected or something. I am a virgo, I am a toolbag, I do not want to act on my emotions just cuz they are there.
I work two jobs, from 0900 - 2200 every day except friday and sunday. K is struggling to find a job with her brand new bach degree in accounting. H is a student. They are connected as much as they can throughout the day, NRE being a strong gravity between them. I work in a building and at a job that I can't really do much but get an email or post out every once and a while. Not even text, no reception. When I get off, I attempt to communicate, and even though I know that they arent on purpose attempting to make me feel like an outcast, I dont feel like they want to pay any attention to me.
Last week I called when I got off work on Friday at 1700, I was elated that it was friday and I didn't have to work until 2200. I called K, she was asleep and I had woken her up, she was grouchy and flip. It really brought me down, like, the whole weekend. So today, expecting that tomorrow I might like to be excited about my work day ending in daylight, I called her and asked if she was expecting to be asleep around the time I was going to be off work... I want to avoid calling her until she is awake and prepared to talk. This didnt go well at all. She says to me all the time now that we are in this: " i just dont know how i am hurting you, its like youre just mad at me all the time" which is categorically untrue, yes, I feel a lot of pain that I never see her, sometimes for weeks at a time, I feel bad at night when i go to sleep. But I try every day to reset, emotionally, and be encouraging in her relationship and her job search... I feel like I am trying so hard and shes holding my emotions against me like if I dont just "be" happy, she might call " pattern of unresolvable disputes" and leave me...
Please tell me how much, if any, of this is unique, please tell me if my fear is irrational, please tell me if I am the one being an asshole, If you know of any way of thinking or acting that could somehow make her feel like I really do just want everyone to be happy, cuz thats what i spend all my time trying to do.
Thanks for your help.
Thanks also if this is just too much and you dont want to comment.
Thanks if you find im such a noob and want to joke about me.
Thanks for anything really, I'm kinda feeling alone.